Dear Hipsters,

There are many things in this world that we wish were different. We wish that all fast food restaurants served breakfast past 10:30. We wish the government did a better job at coordinating organized beatings of people who wear a bluetooth headset while working out. We wish Geico would give us a Caveman commercial where they actually kill, cook and eat that terrible British-accented gecko they use in their other spots.

We also wished that you were smart enough to see the irony in belonging to an entire sub-culture that tries desperately to be anti-most types of culture (including, I hear, horticulture). Make no mistake, hipsters, you are mostly just silly and the only thing more asymmetric than your haircut is your confusion. I don’t quite know when your numbers grew to the levels of an actually identifiable group, but I do know that you look like a bunch of carnies with college degrees.

I am also trying to figure out how to ward you off. I have a feeling it involves talking about investment strategies, but another idea may be to wear t-shirts that say “I (picture of a heart) the modern history of the US military”. That would probably get you to stay away. Another idea I had is to convince society that only people who disapprove of hipsters should get pin-up girl tattoos. This way, every time you get one, you will be indicating that you disapprove of yourself and back in the old neighborhood we had a word for this, and that word was “moded”.

Put that issue of The Onion and your Lucky Strike down though cause there’s a couple things I do like about you:

• You ride bicycles which is not only better for the environment, but also increases your likelihood of being hit by a car and therefore largely out of sight for a while. Although, this does means I may have to see you in your hipstered-out wheelchair that you will put lots of stickers on and adorn with flags.
• You recycle pretty much everything because that helps you feel better than others. This is also good for the environment, and your recycling of bad, Ramones-inspired-but-less-cool fashion creates less demand for clothing that others like myself want to buy, putting downward pressure on prices. I take the savings and invest them in interest-bearing accounts, but you wouldn’t know anything about that.
• You shop at progressive grocery outlets featuring products from cooperative farms or local organic growers. It’s always good to support local businesses and make healthy decisions. I find it interesting, however, that before going there, you will check your iPhone to see if you got the email featuring coupons for said establishment so that you can support these people slightly less even though you have the discretionary income to pay for fancy accessories with expensive data plans.

There is much, much more that could be pointed out, like drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is only really cool when it comes with a shot of Wild Turkey and costs $4.00, not when it is $6.00 and served at your friend’s “art show”/housewarming party at his live/work loft he shares with his ex-girlfriend who designs skateboard decks and knits flask holders in her spare time. You get my drift, hipster? Good, now roll that pant leg up, and ride off into the sunset cause I hear there’s an indy theater over there that is showing a director’s cut of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro (1983).