Dear guy at the gym who practices karate in front of the mirror,

We haven’t crossed paths in a while, but I know you’re still out there. And I want you to knock it off, because I haven’t forgotten about you. You’re still occupying the fitness room at a 24-Hour Fitness when no classes are in session, and you’re still ridiculous. Your Senor Frog’s Ensenada souvenir tank top indicates that you are in your mid-forties, maybe older, and that makes your behavior all the more sad.

The fact that you do not see how absurd it is for you to practice your katas in front of the mirror only makes me want to kick your ass that much more. And it looks like I have a good chance because I don’t plan on attacking you in a rhythmic, predictable assault of punches to your stomach and kicks to your lower legs. Anyone practicing katas somewhere other than their “dojo” or still-dinosaur-wallpapered bedroom should have their blue belt taken away from them and be spanked publicly with it. You are possibly the only person alive whom I would root for Cobra Kai against. “No Mercy for the tool doing katas at the gym, Johnny!”

So stop it, because I feel embarrassed for you, ok, “Mitchell” or whatever your name is? Don’t make me come for you, because if I do your Senor Frog’s Ensenada souvenir tank top and Ocean Pacific shorts will never be the same…