Dear guy hanging out of the sunroof of the limo,

We have never met, but there are a few things I am pretty sure I know about you already:

1. You are on a bachelor party or some other sort of testosterone-oriented night out with several of your other male friends.
2. You have been drinking Keystone since about 1:30 this afternoon.
3. You bought that new “going out shirt” you’re now wearing this morning at Armani Exchange, and you’re telling everyone it’s “Armani” because you don’t know the difference.
4. Most of your friends’ names have the suffix “Dog” attached to them, and are possibly hyphenated with the starting initial of their given name (examples: G-Dog, T-Dog, and 24 other possible combinations)
5. The two most prolific words in your vocabulary are “Yeahhh!!!!!!” and “Whooooo!!!!”, however the word “bro” rears its ugly head quite frequently as well.
6. Although your appearance makes your sexuality somewhat ambiguous, you appear to be a fan of females, and are comfortable in the safety of shouting at them from moving vehicles.
7. You have no intentions of sharing the prized sunroof position with any of your compatriots who are relegated to shouting things from rolled down windows at best.
8. As far as you know, shots come in only two varieties: Jaeger, and Kamikaze.
9. You never miss an opportunity to quote Caddy Shack, the “More Cowbell” Christopher Walken SNL skit, or most annoyingly, Borat.
10. You are positive that you could have gotten that stripper’s phone number if C-dog “hadn’t been so gay” and wanted to leave.
11. You dance with an awkwardness that betrays an affluent suburban upbringing whenever the song “Drop it like it’s hot” is within earshot, “Marley totally changed your life”, and you are likely the bastard who always plays “Don’t stop believing” on the jukebox. If I were Steve Perry, I would so kick your ass for only bothering to sing along to the first verse. You should know that “Oh, Sherrie” is better anyway.

There are many other things, guy hanging out of the sunroof of the limo, but I think you get the point. I see you only in passing, but we are already well acquainted, and I hope to never find myself inside a vehicle with you and your “going out shirt”.