Look here, asshole. This sidewalk isn’t big enough as it is. The individuals that approved the plans on this side of town either did not anticipate this level of foot traffic, or did not foresee the degree to which a lack of consideration would characterize pedestrians’ mentalities here. Either way, you have too much going on as you are pushing a stroller, walking your dog, and speaking on your cell phone and it is directly affecting the mobility of the other people who are trying to get somewhere via this sidewalk.

I will say that at least you aren’t pushing one of those tandem strollers where two children sit side by side occupying every last inch of pavement, but your wife is probably doing it about 10 feet behind me. Or perhaps she isn’t because she cut you off after one child due to your arrogance and general buffoonery. That would make me a little happier, because it would be clear evidence of natural selection in action, but there’s a chance that your salary range has circumvented that like Magellan to the earth. You probably didn’t get that joke because in your college history class you were busy trying to score weed so you could get baked before the Dave Matthews concert. I don’t blame you, every time I hear them, I wish I had something that would alter my reality as well.

The point is, you should not, under any circumstances, be trying to walk your dog, push a stroller, and talk on your cellphone at the same time, let alone on a busy sidewalk in a crowded neighborhood. You’re not even using a Bluetooth, which is ironic because you totally seem like the type of person that would spend a lot of time with one of those in their ear when it doesn’t really need to be, such as during a haircut or while bowling. This is an example of a time when it might actually be appropriate as your hands are occupied by a child and a pet-things most people cherish lovingly but are really just accessories for you. I’m sure your child will one day reflect on this and resent you for including her in your embarrassing behavior (in addition to your drinking problem). Your dog, while well groomed and cared for, is probably now evaluating how bad the shelter really is because all that stuff you hear could just be a bunch of liberal bs perpetuated by the mainstream media like the health benefits of acai berries.

So, think a litle harder before you leave the house next time and take some advice from the Shakespeare of our day, Meatloaf, who said “Two out of three ain’t bad”. I can tolerate two of the three activities you are pursuing at the moment, however attempting all three is more unacceptable than the fact that Tim McGraw has his own cologne which I imagine smells like a mixture of Marlboro Lights and PBR. Cheers.