Dear Guy Who Plays Maroon 5 Loudly While Driving,

Oh man. Mannnnn. What happened to you? When you stepped into your car this morning, you clearly thought to yourself “I bet playing my radio really loud with the windows down will draw positive attention to me, likely from females”. Little did you know the way it would actually turn out. I’m not sure why you, or anyone follows this logic, but it is especially erroneous when the loud music you employ in search of this attention is the substance-free music by the Saltines of the music world, Maroon 5, as I will explain.

It is possible that you were playing a different song on your adult-contemporary preset station which ended and that Maroon 5 came on which you mistook for a Freecreditreport.com commercial and therefore decided not to change the channel. However, by the first chorus, you should have realized what was going on and that Maroon 5 was no qualified co-pilot on your quest for coolness. Allow me to explain why you are in error. There are many possible reasons why individuals, particularly males, play music loudly which I shall enumerate, but your decision to play Maroon 5 is flawed and downright laughable.

1. Music can convey one’s identity. For instance, rap music is frequently the genre blared from automobiles driving slowly, and this is because the playing of loud rap music is a male’s way of saying “I listen to rap music loudly because I identify with its message, so therefore I too am somewhat tough and street-savvy, making me a suitable mate for for females.” If the music you play loudly conveys the idea “I identify with Maroon 5’s message of crap wrapped entirely in shit” the notice paid to you by others, and particularly potential mates, will be one of confusion, pity, ire and immediate dismissal from the list of those with which courtship would be considered.
2. Loud music=expensive stereo=higher status. Someone might also be playing their music at full blast to announce that they do not have the factory original stereo in their car. The message conveyed here is “I have an expensive stereo, and the fact that I have discretionary income to allot to such features indicates an enviable financial status, even if these loud sounds emanate from a ‘98 Pontiac Bonneville.”Even if this strategy is effective in illustrating status through one’s audio system, its effect is nullified by the lack of sophistication displayed through the poor use of such a status symbol. It’s like if you bought a Mercedes and used it to carry farm equipment. It had potential to achieve its goal of denoting higher status, but then you f-ed it up with how you actually used it.
3. Music preferences help satisfy basic needs of collective acceptance. People use music to announce to their peers that they are part of the group and thereby observe the cultural norms existing in their societies. No one likes to be an outsider except maybe the characters who were the outsiders in the movie “The Outsiders.” This is why most of the time when one hears a car playing loud music, it is a song they recognize as being popular. Although the poor-man’s Goo Goo Dolls known as Maroon 5 have had chartable success, it is a mistake to translate this into the music you choose to identify your presence and contact potential mates with as no one actually thinks they’re cool except maybe you. Everyone at their concerts won tickets by being the 5th caller at 5:55 on the weekday drive-time radio show hosted by people who will probably be more financially secure 3 years from now than anyone in that band (term “band” applied loosely). Sadly, your desperate cry for society’s warm, loving arms will instead attract its cold, hard shoulder.

By now I hope you see the flaws in your logic and why your decision to drive around blaring Maroon 5 will likely have the inverse effect than the one you set out for. Potential mates will say to themselves “Although my attention was achieved as I attempted to establish the source of the loud music, the poor choice in such music indicates to me that this individual is less likely to be a well-adjusted person who can discern what is accepted as enjoyable and beneficial in an ever changing society. Such characteristics are not desirable for my offspring as this will decrease their chances of successfully finding mates, meaning that my genes will not be carried on as I hope they will, and therefore I will avoid any potential mating with this individual”. It’s that simple, Guy who plays Maroon 5 loudly while driving, but you probably can’t hear me.