Dear White Guy Trying To Take Part In The African Drum Circle,

I think it’s great for all of us to expand our horizons and experience other cultures as much as possible. Certainly you have fully embraced this concept, and for that, I applaud you. Your efforts have further united the people of varying cultures and backgrounds here at this street festival because they’re all in agreement that this looks a bit awkward.

I know the group of people dressed in traditional African garments playing African songs on the drums are unique and quite cool, but you look weird standing there hovering about with them. I’m sure they appreciate you going the extra step to purchase and wear traditional African garments as well, but you know that one time you went to a sushi place and instead of a Japanese chef in front of you, it was a blond guy named Nathan? This is sort of like that.

It may not be nice to say, but I don’t think they want you as a friend, and at this point you are probably creeping them out. Let’s put it this way, I doubt that on St. Patrick’s Day any of them will call you up to see if you’re down to have a couple Guiness. It’s not that they don’t want to take part in something like that, it’s just that you seem to be kind of hanging out a little too long and although none of them have actually said it, I think they’re just kind of waiting for you to go away because they have a good thing going and you aren’t really helping.

I bet none of them like that you adopted a Swahili name which you now introduce yourself as either. It’s because you’re supposed to be given those types of things from someone else, that’s where their true meaning and significance come from. It’s like how Shaq gave himself the nickname “Big Aristotle”. One day he probably loaded the dishwasher from back to front instead of front to back and thought to himself:

“Wow that worked out a lot better than loading it from the front, I must be a thinker, and thinking can make you smart.       Who’s the first smart person I can think of besides Bill Nye the Science Guy…Aristotle was smart I think, so I’ll                   call myself  ‘Big Aristotle’ cause I’m tall, but also quite insightful given my recent dishwasher progress.”

The point is, the nickname would have a lot more meaning if someone else thought he was insightful and gave him the name instead, but since he came up with it himself, it is disregarded faster than the “rap” songs he records. He probably has some gold and platinum record frames in his place for his albums which he made himself rather than actually acquiring them through album sales the way you’re supposed to. Am I making sense here?

Further, you probably will not be invited when the group does a tour down the coast, stopping at local festivals to bring their music, cultural understanding, and good vibes to others. This should serve as the first indication that they are more or less done humoring you. I don’t want you or anyone to stop yearning for more knowledge and cross-cultural experiences because just like reductions in defense spending, that would be un-American. However, I do want you to stop over-doing it. Similarly, I watched this thing on the History Channel about a ninja training school in Japan and it was mostly awkward American white guys like you, so don’t worry, I’m gonna get to them too, but I feel that I need to share this because the people in the African drum circle are probably too nice and focused on positivity to do it themselves.

*This post was approved by DavidGorcey.com’s Cultural Sensitivity czar, Terrence Brewer.