Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of speaking with personal hero and well known historical conqueror, Genghis Khan. In it, we find a man who strove to communicate better with the opposite sex, regrets his reputation a bit, and still has his sense of humor after all these years.

David Gorcey (DG): Genghis, thanks for taking the time to speak to me today…

Genghis Khan (GK): No problem, Dave, thanks for having me.

DG: Genghis, you gave us the world’s largest contiguous empire, one of the first meritocracies, and forever transformed the history of two continents. But if for some reason you hadn’t been such an epic conqueror, what direction do you think your career might have taken?

GK: It’s tough, you know. After talking to guys like Brando out here, I feel that acting is something that would really have appealed to me, although I’m sure at some point I would have wanted to take a step back and direct. Kurt Cobain (I call him K-Cob) really opened my eyes to fronting a band though too.

DG: Interesting, what genre of music do you think you would have pursued?

GK: Probably something emo, I really dig Sunny Day Real Estate.

DG: Cool, I could see that. Let me switch directions on you a little bit and ask you about relationships…

GK: Well, I’m kind of a private guy, Dave…

DG: Sure, and stop me if we venture into an area you’d rather not discuss, but I’m curious about your experiences with women, and what your thoughts are about the less violent courtships more common today.

GK: Hmm…it’s really a double-edged sword, like the one I killed so many Tartars with. Ha, I can’t tell you how many times I used that one right before chopping off a head by the way!

DG: Must’ve been great.

GK: Dude, you haven’t lived until you’ve made an ironic joke to a man whose life you’re about to end. Anyhow, it can be really hard to meet people. I was never one for the bar-scene, and it’s tough finding a companion you identify with emotionally whether you’re on the plains of the Gobi, sacking Baghdad, or pressing deep into the territory of the Chin Dynasty. I learned early on that women tend to be a bit standoff-ish if you’ve killed their current love interest, parents, friends, livestock, pets, desecrated their ancestors’ graves, and burned their city to the ground. You really gotta bring your A-game, know what I mean?

DG: Oh, totally…

GK: So, that’s kind of where the woman-stealing thing played a big role for me, and it served me well. Nowadays, it seems like you can’t really do that, and to me, it’s no wonder that so many marriages end in divorce. Look, I can’t count the number of wives I’ve had, but guess what, not one of my marriages ended in divorce, although I’m comfortable admitting that I had to seek counseling a couple times.

DG: That’s a good point. Do you think it’s more because you realize the commitment and understanding that goes into a successful marriage, or was it because they really had no choice whatsoever?

GK: I mean, it’s a little bit of both, you know? Relationships require a lot of give and take, a lot of sacrifice. There’s going to be good times and bad, every relationship has them. A lot of my wives felt that I concentrated more on acquiring lands and empire building than on them, but we’d find a way you work through it. I think my relationship with my mother had a lot to do with the way I went on to interact with women as well.

DG: OK, whoa, I don’t think I have time for all that…

GK: Alright, well, I think it’s important to realize that men and women communicate differently, but that doesn’t mean we can’t communicate. “Women are From Mars, Men are From Venus” just like the book says. It’s all about listening though. I tried never to go to bed angry because then I’d be thinking “Why won’t she tell me what’s wrong?” the following day, instead of focusing on surrounding and sacking the next city, and I didn’t need that…

DG: Absolutely. Ok, last question which I’m sure my readers and historians alike are curious about, but if you had to go back and do it all over again, what, if anything, might you have done differently?

GK: Ahh, regrets. Ummm, I lament my reputation a bit, so if I had to do it again, I might have allowed people more time to submit to my rule. Generally, I gave people the chance to surrender before a seige, but everyone has to be a tough guy. One time in Turkey I had surrounded some city, and I got up on my horse and I’m like “Guys, there’s an easy way to do this, and a hard way…” Those bastards beheaded one of my messengers they’d been holding hostage and threw his head over the walls. I picked it up, and they had carved “Heads Up!” on his forehead. At that point, it was mid-afternoon, and I’d been drinking since about 10, so I really just lost it. Needless to say, I was disappointed that reason and logic couldn’t carry the day, although I gotta say, we all passed the head around and got a good laugh, I still have it actually.

So, there’s that, but I think I would have planted and explored my aesthetic for landscaping more as well. I like Palm trees. I came across a lot of them, but I was young and unable to appreciate the way they can define space and bring a vibrant color to a courtyard or terrace. I got a couple plastic ones in my place out here, but it’s not the same.

DG: No palm trees in the afterlife, huh?

GK: At least not where I’m at. I hear that asshole Liberace got his hands on some though, his place is pretty tight.

DG: He must know someone.

GK: Could be.

DG: Well, Genghis, thanks for your time and for the historical events you unleashed on mankind.

GK: My pleasure, Dave. Hey when do I get my DER SCHNICKELFRITZ shirt?

DG: Hopefully not for a while, man.

GK: Ha, ok, ok. Hey, can you bring one for Mussolini? I’m always joking around with him about those silly brown shirts. I call him the “Fascist Fashionisto” just to mess with him…

DG: Good one. I’ll have to check, I think I’m out of his size though…

GK: Whatever.

DG: Alright, buddy, all the best…

GK: Likewise. Cheers, dude.