David Gorcey (DG): Chupacabra, thanks for your time today.

Chupacabra (CP): I like to suck Goats

DG: You certainly do.

CP: I once sucked 7 goats in 29 minutes.

DG: Truly an amazing feat. How was it growing up with the word “Suck” as part of your name?

CP: Sometimes other kids made fun of me, so then I would suck out the blood of their pets. Then they would stop. One rich kid used to call me “Chupa-caca” and the others would laugh. Then I got hold of his horse one night. Now he rides a bike.

DG: So I know that Goats (the “Cabra” portion of your name) are the main target for your exercises in horror, why goats when there’s so much out there?

CP: Goats are delicious like kittens and most puppies, but they don’t make me sneeze.

DG: Fair enough. So who has been a role model for you as you’ve mysteriously endured for all these years?
CP: Lenny Kravitz cause the guy really knows how to suck. Ha, I kid, I kid. Honestly, I’d have to say mostly Michael Vick. But also, probably former Reagan Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger. I suck goats.

DG: You’re mostly nocturnal, so I’m wondering what keeps you up at night and makes you so active after dark?

CP: I love to suck goats at night. It depends though…Sandinistas, those assholes at PETA, the “Are you smarter than a 5th grader” home edition, lots of things keep me from sleeping. But every second I sleep is a second a goat is not being sucked unless my cousin Hermillo is doing it, in which case I’d like to say “You better watch it, puto, porque I seen you that one time and I didn’t forget how you didn’t share the goats after I told you where they were with tia Stella.”

DG: Hmmmm, I didn’t realize it was a family affair.

CP: He’s barely family anyway because his real dad is some gavacho from Seattle.

DG: Ok, well, whatever. One last question…Tell me a little bit about what the future might hold for you.

CP: The complete and total sucking of goats. But, I dunno, I might go back to school (maybe Cal Sate Fullerton), I might go teach English in Prague, I might backpack South America for a few months, I’m kind of conflicted, but not in my sucking of goats.