I used to think that the whole phenomenon of people being famous that don’t deserve to be was a recent by-product of the internet and reality television. But if you go back and look, you’ll see that this has actually been true throughout the ages. See, I love history as much as the next guy, but  I’m about to upset you Egyptologists more than Napoleon’s little stint there a couple hundred years ago. Honestly, I’d be uptight if a diminutive French guy invaded a country I devoted significant time to studying as well. The fact of the matter is that King Tut is probably the most overrated person in history, and I’d just like to point this out because he deserves a reality check, even in the afterlife.

King Tut is the only Egyptian many people can name, and arguably the most famous of the pharaohs which is unfortunate because he never actually achieved anything in his short life. This makes him sort of like an ancient version of Kim Kardashian only less gaudy, and with more knowledge of the 21st Century. Here’s what happened- he became a king at 9 and reigned for about 10 years before he died without ever doing anything historians of the time bothered to record, and they had no problems recording things that lasted (unlike the Dave Matthews Band). It is somewhat ambiguous as to whether he even had kids which seems hard to do when you are 19, a king, and a God in times before contraception. I mean, I would’ve had tons of progeny if I were him, know what I’m sayin’?

Sexual dysfunction aside, they still saw it fit to bury him with quite a lot of artifacts and gold accessories because if we know anything about divine beings, it’s that they can’t be mistaken for poor when they get to the afterlife, otherwise they end up in the same section as that dude from Milli Vanilli who killed himself. It’s as if the afterlife was set up like a nightclub and in place of St. Peter guarding the entrance, there was just a bouncer who wouldn’t let you in if you did’t look cool enough, and certainly not if you were wearing tennis shoes.

So, what we really have in King Tut is a mediocre guy born into an important family who may or may not still have had a hard time getting laid. If you happen to be William Kennedy Smith then you may know what I’m talking about. Not quite pyramid and riches material if you ask me, but then again my standards for that are pretty high. I’d go on to say that King Tut is the most overrated head of state in history, but Ronald Reagan seems to be giving him a good run for his money on that one (I know, how dare I !?)

Anyway, I would gladly list the things King Tut did to deserve his place in history if there were any so instead I will list a few Kings that have accomplished more than he did:

• the 2008-09 Sacramento Kings (17 wins & 65 losses, did not make the NBA playoffs)
• Kings of Leon (also pretty overrated)
• King Crab Wednesday at Sizzler (just made that up)
• Rain King Irrigation Lawn Sprinklers
• King Cobra malt liquor (6% alcohol by volume)

Perhaps people at the time asked themselves if King Tut was really worth building a large, luxurious pyramid for and wasting copious amounts of precious metals on, but then forgot because the mortgage crisis hit and a they had to learn the hard way that mud brick dwellings will not appreciate in value indefinitely. Further, there are lots of other kings out there who actually did something  whom you’ve probably never heard of because they weren’t buried in a cool-looking sarcophagus inside an extremely well decorated tomb which means they probably didn’t have enough gay friends.

I hope in the future people don’t confuse the hip hop artists of our day as important because of all of the gold they will undoubtedly be buried in. I guess in that respect King Tut was a little like T. Pain only with a lot more status and a lot less Hennessy. Niether one has contributed anything really to society, but they both have a lot to show for it.

There may be a smartass out there foaming at the mouth to present some sort of historical evidence as to why I’m wrong, and to such individuals, I say, “Shouldn’t you be planning your costume for next year’s ComiCon?” The point is, King Tut doesn’t deserve the place he occupies in history. Howard Carter discovered his undisturbed tomb full of some amazing things, but it’s not like he designed or made any of them, so why does he get all the notoriety? His jeweler and interior designer deserve the fame, but unfortunately they lived in times before Bravo TV so no one gave a shit about them, and that’s why King Tut can pretty much blow me.