You can lead a hick to quality lagers, but you can’t make him drink them. It was with great interest I read today that Anheuser-Busch rejected a buyout offer by InBev, makers of Stella Artois and Beck’s. InBev’s offer of $65 per share was seen as too low by Anheuser-Busch whose customers were too concerned with how they would scrape enough rent money together at this point in the month than to care about mergers and acquisitions. I also find it ironic that of the two companies, it is the one representative of working-class America that has the more aristocratic European sounding name. That, my friends, is what you call “marketing”. Had the makers of Budweiser chosen a more appropriate name for their company instead, it likely would have been called “Melvin”.

InBev indicated it was still willing to discuss its bid with Anheuser-Busch who seemed reluctant to admit that it wanted to speak openly about its feelings even if deep down it just wondered what it might be like to really let go and cry on another man’s shoulder. InBev still has the option of a hostile takeover by going straight to Anheuser-Busch’s shareholders which the company seems poorly positioned to defend unless it ends up being successful in convincing them that InBev’s true motive is to eventually replace the stars on the American flag with rainbows.

Apparently Anheuser-Busch has decided instead on reorganizing which entails $500 million in restructuring and some layoffs. If you ask me, they’re just taking the wheel and creating increased demand for their product by laying people off who will be depressed and then turn to drinking the poor-tasting yet affordable beverages they once helped construct. Maybe then they’ll be able to more objectively contemplate their role in this crime against the otherwise tasty chemical reaction between hops, yeast, sugar, & water .

According to the Wall Street Journal, this restructuring may include the sale of Anheuser-Busch’s theme parks which you may or may not have been to depending on the severity of the dysfunction in your upbringing. Perhaps if you have been to one, you were also taken to amusement parks owned by the roller-coaster and aquatic animal show-loving individuals at Phillip Morris or R.J. Reynolds. The New York Times reports the plan being mapped out by Anheuser-Bush may also result in Anheuser-Busch selling their packaging unit, but if shareholders take a vote the new map will also designate the return of the Southern Confederacy with the rest of the current continental United States being referred to as “Gayville”. When asked for comment, partially literate and long time Bud Light drinker Bill Moore said “Stella what? I don’t trust nothing that ends in t-w-a like that.”