As many of you  have read recently, a group of Somali pirates, or as the democrats would call them “disenfranchised coastal entrepreneurs” hijacked an arms-laden Ukrainian tanker, the Faina, off the coast of Somalia and have been attempting to ransom the crew. Sugule Ali, the pirates’ spokesman and recent Liberty University graduate has repeatedly stated that they are very willing to negotiate an attractive price, noting that he had bought shares of Sirius XM Radio Inc. (Siri) near it’s 52 week high of $3.94 and that he is just getting killed in the market right now. However, if suitable terms aren’t reached soon he indicated he may post an ad under the “barter” section on Craigslist Mogadishu offering them up for their weight in Fruity Pebbles.

It is surprising that on a tanker full of weapons sailing through waters notoriously plagued by pirate attacks, no one thought it would be appropriate to keep an RPG launcher or two handy just in case.  More surprising is the pirates’ ability to seize the vessel because in  looking at it, it seems as though a bebe gun or medium-sized stones would have inflicted significant damage to their ships, which appear to be paddle boats stolen from the San Diego Harbor, and caused them to reconsider.

Shortly after the hijacking, the US and Russia scrambled ships to aid the Faina which the US Navy quickly cornered in a rocky segment along the Somali coastline. The Russian ships were distracted by a cover of “Dancing Queen”emanating from the band in the captain’s lounge on a passing Carnival Cruise liner, and are still somewhere at sea. Once the ordeal concludes, Fox News will be chronicling America’s arrival on the scene before Russia in an hour long docu-drama entitled “A Day For Heroes.” The docu-drama will be based around the now emerging evidence that the arms were headed for Kenya on paper but may have ultimately been destined for southern Sudan as part of an illicit weapons deal. To make it fair and balanced though, they will portray the arms deal as being orchestrated by Barack Obama and the lead pirate will be Ted Kennedy.

The U.S. Navy has been allowed to check on the crew’s health and well being which is good because pirates from a famine-ravaged nation probably know as much about health as Dave Matthews does audible rhythm.  Not only has it been challenging ensuring the health of the crew, but keeping them entertained has also proven difficult for the Somali pirates. Said Mr. Ali: “We tried having a costume party one night, but no one really showed up cause there was a new episode of ‘The Amazing Race’ on. It sucks cause I was gonna kill it dressed as Lumbergh from Office Space.” He continued “You know, I signed on for this thing thinking that at some point Bono would get involved and try to get these dudes released and that maybe we’d hang out or something but so far all we’ve received is a lame letter from George Clooney.”

The Vodka Red Bull. A delicious mixture of stimulant and sedative, two things which we can all agree go together nicely when you want to do stupid things for as much of the night as possible. The drink tastes like candy and goes down like Barbara Walters once did for US Senators (and may still depending on what mood Diane Feinstein is in). However, as delicious and intoxicating as this lovely cocktail is, its price is far more than the $7.00 plus tip you leave on the bar. It also comes at the cost of being a douchebag.

Now, let me take the opportunity to out myself on this and speak from experience. I have ordered these before because they taste good. I like them. It’s as if God himself had crushed up some Starburst, mixed it with 7-Up and gently sprinkled the mixture down my throat. But, never, ever have I ordered one without thinking to myself “this makes me a douchebag.” This is because somehow, the Vodka Red Bull is the John Cusack of cocktails. You know it, the bartender knows it, and the guy with his hat backwards wearing the Big Lebowski-themed t-shirt from Urban Outfitters drinking Bud Light who is only slightly less of a douche knows it. There’s just sort of a universal understanding on this that is hard to put your finger on, but rings true throughout the land.

Keep in mind that this only applies to the straight males out there for some reason. You’re not allowed to order a glass of white wine for yourself at a bar either, but for everyone else, it’s ok. Whiskey? Man’s drink. Beer? Perfectly acceptable. White Russian? Pushing it. The point is that whether it’s fair or not, society may judge you based on the drink you have in your hand, and that judgment is likely to be unkind when it it is a Vodka Red Bull . I don’t know when it happened or who decided it, but it’s something you need to accept and keep in mind because it is reality and for some reason, it just makes sense. My brief but completely valid and scientific survey of female readers also verifies that a straight man will find the wings given to him will be flying away from any female’s pants when he is with a Vodka Red Bull in tow. Perhaps you can help me explain this phenomenon in the comments section below, and it may be short-sighted, but as I see it, ordering a Vodka Red Bull is a definite sign of douchery.