I would like to paint for you a picture of another dimension, a dimension where spending money frivolously is a competition, and due to a lack of purpose, individuals fashion their pets in their own likeness. In this dimension, the universe is not an infinite interwoven set of galaxies, it is rather an infinite interwoven set of Burberry scarves in which live people sustained by the fibers thereof in a manner we might equate to our own sun. Also in this skewed, soul-less dimension, societies spend $300 Million on dog clothing. You might think this other dimension is the only place where so much could be spent on something so completely useless, however, according to a recent article in the New York Post, Americans spent approximately $300 million on dog clothing in 2009 (click here to read the article). So, needless to say, I thought that this deserved some attention, and by attention, I mean ridicule. Buying outfits for a dog is just like using that little exclamation point in Microsoft Outlook when you want your email to have "high priority." Sure, you can do it, but all it does is make people want to smack you. Many countries can't even adequately ...

Football fans and champions of poor grammar alike are by now familiar with the phrase "Who Dat", a rallying cry for the New Orleans Saints Football team. This phrase is a shortening of an originally longer chant popularized in the 80's: "Who Dat Say Dey Gonna Beat Dem Saints? Who Dat? Who Dat?" which in English means "Who is it that might assert they would be better at Football than the Saints? Who is it? Who is it?" Although the true author of this quote is being contested, it is quite likely that there is an open position with their name on it at the San Francisco Chronicle. Anyway, the Wall St. Journal is reporting that the NFL is now contesting ownership of the phrase "Who Dat" because their academic pursuits have become tiresome. The NFL asserted rights to the phrase through the Florida department of state earlier last week and subsequently issued cease and desist orders regarding the sales of merchandise with the phrase to many local businesses in New Orleans. I find it unfortunate that the NFL has time for these types of shenanigans particularly in a city whose economy, along with mastery of elementary English grammar, could still ...

As many of you are now aware, yesterday during commentary on the unfortunate earthquake in Haiti, the unintentional comedian and spiritual charlatan Pat Robertson asserted that Haitians had made a pact with Satan to rid the island of the French during the 1800's and that this natural disaster was a divine evening of the score for that. I'm not sure which Robertson is worst at: seismology, history, or not crapping his pants, but my guess is that it is history. I think God keeps Pat Robertson around for the material. It's unclear where Robertson got the idea that Haitians made a deal with Satan to rid themselves of the French in the first place. I found no evidence of this in my research, although I do see evidence of the devil taking a trip to Georgia (poor guy) as recorded by one Charlie Daniels. I'm pretty sure Satan would not have helped Haitians overthrow the French anyway as I hear he kind of likes France because of the shorter work week and their love of ubiquitous nudity in things like commercials for ice cream. Further, Satan probably could not have played a role in the slave revolt of 1804 which is ...

The world's smallest republic, the pacific island nation of Nauru, decided to recognize Abkhazia, a breakaway region of the republic of Georgia as a separate country recently. Nauru is more or less a rock in the south pacific that is about 8 square miles and contains approximately 11,000 residents. It seems to be rather scenic although that doesn't count for much at the U.N., just ask New Zealand. At least they don't have a show on MTV that makes them all look bad. I'm pretty sure it's one of those countries you might be able to buy for like $10,000 and a promise not to invite any Scientologists. With all that in mind I guess the people of Abkhazia will apparently take what they can get as they were pretty excited about Nauru's announcement, although I find it hard to see how this gets them closer to true independence. It's not like other countries are going to say to themselves "Well, for a while I wasn't sure, but now that Nauru is on board, I am totally down with recognizing them as a sovereign nation." Nauru is the 4th country to recognize Abkhazia officially, joining Russia, Venezuela, & Nicaragua on the ...

The draw for the 2010 World Cup, taking place in South Africa, was released recently, so please wake me up when the first riots of the 2010 World Cup happen. Until then, I probably won't care much about it because my ignorance and apathy towards the world's most popular sport is what makes me an American. I tell you what though, when people start trashing neighborhoods and setting cars on fire because their country lost, maybe to another country whose king insulted theirs 220 years ago, I start paying attention. I like how the draw for the World Cup comes out 6 months prior to the actual event so each country can fine tune their nationalism and forgotten hatred of other countries for a half year to prepare. Americans are a little more detached on the World Cup because international competitions like that aren't the typical catalysts for violence here. We have real reasons like taxes on tea, and faulty intelligence. But for the rest of the world, Soccer is as good a reason as any to tear some shit up, even when it's your own shit. Every four years, people get the chance to root for their country in the ...

As you may have noticed, Vampires are all the rage these days with the genre pervading popular culture. Someone decided they are a concept that works and then before you know it they're everywhere. It’s like what happened with Uggs and now look where we are. That's right, ashamed. You used to only see vampires on Halloween, or on the field trips  to Wal-Mart's corporate headquarters in elementary school. In such limited doses, they were tolerable though fixated on efficient supply chain management in the latter instance. Now you can't escape them thanks to Twilight, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, Being Human, and a bunch of other things that people who shop at Hot Topic would know about. I guess Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a little full of herself regarding her job title because there still seem to be a lot of Vampires out there she didn't get to. No wonder it was canceled. I guess it's that it's hard for me to see why Vampires, of all things, have achieved such notoriety. They seem to be pretty one dimensional and highly flawed given that all they really do is suck blood and that they have some sort of food allergy ...

For centuries, quacks, charlatans, and individuals of ill repute have enjoyed passing the time by coming up with predictions foretelling the apocalypse. It goes back a long time, but things like the fall of Rome, the plague, World Wars, and the Y2K  non-event we all celebrated a few years ago have been packaged into unbelievable yet heeded warnings of how the world is coming to an end. Recently, you may have heard about the year 2012 and some of the retarded predictions about it being the end of the world. This is due in part to the even more retarded movie coming out entitled 2012 which departs from anything Hollywood has ever done and gives us a movie about the end of the world. Although I frequently review movies I deem to be bad, yet haven't seen, the main point about the connection between any prediction and Sony Pictures doing a movie about it starring John Cusack should be that there is absolutely no need to worry about that prediction coming true. Much of the belief in the world ending in 2012 is due to misinterpretation of the Mayan calendar which ends a cycle on December 21st, 2012. For some reason, confused ...