I know it’s been a couple weeks since I updated and it’s because I have been covering New York Fashion Week 2008/my eyes for the blog. I only had time to catch some of the Menswear collections, but here are some of the trends I spotted from the runway…

The first trend from New York Fashion week I’d like to alert discerning males to is  Nouveau-Huck Finn-Amish Chic, presented here by Ann Demuelemeester (who should start a Mr. Mister tribute band called Mr. Demeulemeester). The only people I know who could pull this off are the Quaker Oats guy after dating Michael Kors for a while or Anderson Cooper, who likes to cover flooding wearing no less than $2,000.00 of apparel, but at least these pants would be appropriate for that.

The hat would still be a conversation piece, even for someone who just lost everything they owned to a natural disaster. The jacket is basically what would happen if the Men’s Warehouse ate Mervyn’s and then took a dump.

Quite honestly, even though he is one of CNN’s top personalities and part of the Vanderbilt family, I’m still not sure if Anderson Cooper could afford this entire outfit, although maybe there’s an Ann Demeulemeester outlet in Gilroy or something where he’d have a chance.

Click here to see a slideshow of the entire Ann Demeulemeester collection.

The next trend from New York Fashion Week sure to be making waves is the Hippy-C3PO-if he were a mid-80′s-Rapper look. Dior Homme hit the nail on the head after their marketing department came to them and said “Our research indicates men want to look like robots of ambiguous sexuality that pair hi-top tennis shoes with formal vests”. They must have conducted their focus group outside of a Dave Matthews Band concert. You’ll have a hard time finding the pants as I think Lenny Kravitz pre-ordered every single pair they have cause he got tired of making his own with the Bedazzler.

The vest and the shirt actually seem pretty normal which provides an excellent contrast to the bodyweight and haircut of the individual wearing them. The completely white shoes are the only thing that would match the pants after the model was not receptive to the designer’s idea of bringing back foot binding using copper wiring.

Click here to see a slideshow of the entire Dior Homme collection.
The last trend from New York Fashion Week you need to pay attention to has no name. But it’s the look you’d get if Bob Marley and MC Hammer had a kid, and then appointed Boy George as the offspring’s stylist .

There is nothing whatsoever desirable in this collection unless you’re the lady who was the lead singer of “4 Non Blonds.” Maybe the Fed can rescue John Galliano because he clearly can’t afford quality textiles to construct his wares out of as evidenced by the tears near the left shoulder.I would buy Lehman Brothers before I’d buy anything here, and you should worry less about a world where financial institutions are failing than you should about a world that accepts this as fashion.

Click here to see a slideshow of the entire John Galliano collection.

I purchased a pair of Sennheiser HD595′s today. Having tried them out I have established that they leak toom much noise. They sound and feel great but people around can hear avery word as if they were a small set of speakers. I am therefore looking for a closed pair of headphones. Ideally I want to avoid disturbing others around me. I will use them mainly for listening to music, tv and movies. I would also like to be able to use them on the move as well as mainly for home use. I have looked the Bose Around Ear Heasdphones in HMV but everyone tends to slate Bose headphones and they feel a bit tacky/lightweight (whereas the Sennheisers feel and look like good quality).

Find these on eBay or amazon

Neither presidential candidates have designated their running mate yet, and the American public anxiously awaits the choices that will be made by Messieurs McCain and Obama. There are many thoughts and wishes on who each should choose to balance out their ticket and win the white house for their party, and I would like to offer up my suggestion on this important topic as well.

I’m not sure whether either candidate or perhaps both have already contacted Mr. Christopher Cross about being their running mate, but the one who successfully woos him will be the one who makes the best choice and basically negates the need for any election at all. I’m kind of thinking Obama should grab him cause if McCain does it’ll be pretty much the whitest ticket ever imagined. You may have picked up that I’ve been on a Christopher Cross kick given a line in my last post (click here to read that blog posting), but such a worthy Vice Presidential candidate deserves this attention.

Although simply picking any former Grammy winner at random would be seen by many as a step in the right direction for the leadership of this country, it is not the fact that Christopher Cross won 5 Grammys in 1981 and an Oscar for Best Original Song the same year that makes him highly qualified. The reasons are many and profound:

• His sound geographical knowledge is conveyed through the line “and I’ve got such a long way to go to make it to the border of Mexico” in the song “Ride Like The Wind”. This knowledge is imperative in returning the US to prominence in effective foreign policy, although to make the song more current he may want to change this lyric to “And hopefully I won’t get diptheria when I unveil my vision for a peaceful middle east next month in Lebanon then Syria”.
• Extensive naval experience and fuel conscientiousness displayed by the song “Sailing” will ensure a strong homeland and sound energy policies by expanding the use of wind-powered transportation and the songs written about them.
• The lyric I mentioned in my last post from “Arthur’s Theme” about being “…between the moon and new york city” is indicative that he realizes the importance of keeping America at the forefront of the space race. He will pursue this policy benevolently though as under his oversight should someone become caught in this realm between new york and earth’s moon, the best they can do is fall in love as the song indicates. The worst they can do is get caught between the moon and Canada which is like being caught between two places that are both really empty.
• Hello, his last name is “Cross” which means shoring up support from much-courted evangelicals and other Christian organizations will be a done deal.
• Though Ronald Reagan received credit for bringing down communism in the 80′s, it was actually a CIA operation which convinced Mikhail Gorbachev that he was for whom the song “Swept Away” was written that led to the dissolution of the U.S.S.R. If someone convinced me that I inspired them to write the line “seeing my tomorrows in your eyes, I was swept away” I’d probably lose control too, I mean we’re all human.
• If elected, he has promised to record an up-beat adult contemporary rendition of the national anthem with Michael McDonald singing backup that will be free for every red blooded American to download on iTunes. Suck it, Radiohead.

I feel that I need not continue at this point as the case presented is infallible. It’s alright, I think we’re going to make it.

It’s been done many times. Boy goes to bar with friends hoping to have a good time. Boy sees girl, also there for good time, and has interest in meeting girl for possibly insightful discussion and perhaps physical contact later, or even conveyance of contact details so that physical contact might occur after no more than 3 dates. If it doesn’t happen by the 3rd date, then she is probably of higher morality which will lead to uncomfortable discussions when you forward her that eVite for the Traci Lords retrospective film festival & nachos party at your buddy Dan’s house next Saturday which will be he perfect occasion for you to wear your “Born for Porn” t-shirt.

But I digest.

So, we’ve all done or said things that we look back on and try to shake out of our heads like Scientologists to Thetans. Get ‘em, Tom! It was with amusement, however, that I recently overheard something in public which made me go “Ah, yes, there are douches walking among us”. There I was, somewhere between a turtle shell mounted on the establishment’s walls and its pool table, which was not nearly as cool a place as between the moon and New York city as it turns out. Within earshot, a young man mustered his courage and briefly left his group of friends by about 5 feet, (equaling the maximum distance he achieved between himself and his mother in the first 22 years of his life) and approached two females with caution. His discourse to them was as follows:

“Is one of your wearing coconut, cause it smells like coconut, and I really hope it’s not this guy (points to friend behind him).”

This line was as well respected by its recipients as intellectual property rights are by the Chinese, because my friends, it was a clear sign of douchery.

Let’s be clear here, at least the guy tried. There’s really no magic bullet when it comes to such male/female social engagement. I thought I might have had it when I began employing the ice-breaker “Hi, my name is David and I enjoy blogging, snogging, and demagoguing”, but I too was mistaken. Sometimes, regardless of what your parents have told you, it is better not to try if your efforts are going to be comical though. I learned this the hard way when I auditioned to be Oprah’s stunt double in the movie The Color Purple.

See, the problem is, people lie. I’m sure he read an article in GQ or Maxim about the best pickup lines and dutifully memorized them, clearing space in his memory by letting go of all those lines from Wedding Crashers he had been remembering on purpose. He was assured that this was the type of witty comment women indicate they are amiable to (but actually laugh to themselves about), however he had been bamboozled. No insightful discussions ensued, no physical contact was delivered, no contact details were exchanged. In return for his efforts, he instead received a few uncomfortable words and then experienced a non-triumphant return to the group from which he was perhaps the bravest, but at least at that moment, also the largest douche. The females, once clear in conveying their lack of desire for this individual’s company, resumed their discussion of whether or not the song “Horse With No Name” was a metaphor of man’s search for meaning in an existence he doesn’t always comprehend, or perhaps if it was a veiled protest of the U.S.’s wayward foreign policy in the early 70′s, with irony accentuated by the song coming from a British band named “America”.

Maybe it was the females who were the douches (someone please come up with a word that can be the female equivalent of “douche”), ruining the hopes of a young man who had donned his nicest The North Face pull-over that night because 70% of the people’s apparel choice can’t be wrong. Would it have been so hard for them to play along? Maybe they could have spun it back on him and replied with “Clearly you’ve never been near a woman who wears anything by Victoria’s Secret cause this is “Dream Angels” and the only fruits I smell are indeed you and your friends.” Either way, whether it was completely deserved or not, the showing of this sign of douchery left our subject defeated and searching for another girl who might look as though she smelled of coconut.

You can lead a hick to quality lagers, but you can’t make him drink them. It was with great interest I read today that Anheuser-Busch rejected a buyout offer by InBev, makers of Stella Artois and Beck’s. InBev’s offer of $65 per share was seen as too low by Anheuser-Busch whose customers were too concerned with how they would scrape enough rent money together at this point in the month than to care about mergers and acquisitions. I also find it ironic that of the two companies, it is the one representative of working-class America that has the more aristocratic European sounding name. That, my friends, is what you call “marketing”. Had the makers of Budweiser chosen a more appropriate name for their company instead, it likely would have been called “Melvin”.

InBev indicated it was still willing to discuss its bid with Anheuser-Busch who seemed reluctant to admit that it wanted to speak openly about its feelings even if deep down it just wondered what it might be like to really let go and cry on another man’s shoulder. InBev still has the option of a hostile takeover by going straight to Anheuser-Busch’s shareholders which the company seems poorly positioned to defend unless it ends up being successful in convincing them that InBev’s true motive is to eventually replace the stars on the American flag with rainbows.

Apparently Anheuser-Busch has decided instead on reorganizing which entails $500 million in restructuring and some layoffs. If you ask me, they’re just taking the wheel and creating increased demand for their product by laying people off who will be depressed and then turn to drinking the poor-tasting yet affordable beverages they once helped construct. Maybe then they’ll be able to more objectively contemplate their role in this crime against the otherwise tasty chemical reaction between hops, yeast, sugar, & water .

According to the Wall Street Journal, this restructuring may include the sale of Anheuser-Busch’s theme parks which you may or may not have been to depending on the severity of the dysfunction in your upbringing. Perhaps if you have been to one, you were also taken to amusement parks owned by the roller-coaster and aquatic animal show-loving individuals at Phillip Morris or R.J. Reynolds. The New York Times reports the plan being mapped out by Anheuser-Bush may also result in Anheuser-Busch selling their packaging unit, but if shareholders take a vote the new map will also designate the return of the Southern Confederacy with the rest of the current continental United States being referred to as “Gayville”. When asked for comment, partially literate and long time Bud Light drinker Bill Moore said “Stella what? I don’t trust nothing that ends in t-w-a like that.”

 A lot of us enjoy the idea of traveling to places we don’t want to drive to, and airlines provide a safe, affordable way to do so. My airline experiences have generally been pleasant, but I think we’d all agree that sometimes the journey is not enjoyable because of circumstances beyond our control. Therefore, I’d like to present to you my concept for NOPE Airways.

NOPE stands for No Obese or Pets Eligible. Hear me out. First of all, God, in conjunction with the people at Boeing and Airbus made airline seats a certain size for a reason. That reason was so that most people could fit into them width-wise. As we all know, they’re still on the small side, and we’ve all experienced the discomfort of having this already confined space encroached on by a large individual much like the gravy from the Pork Chop section on their Hungry Man frozen dinners spills over and encroaches on the little section where the baby carrots are. It’s called an “arm-rest”, not a “fat rest” for a reason, yet the poor thing is used as the latter rather than the former at an increasing rate. The only rolls allowed on NOPE Airways will be whole-wheat and nutritious. That’s how we roll (side note, someone please start an acting school called “That’s how we Role”).

Think about the benefits of such an endeavor. The decrease in weight would make the airlines more fuel efficient thereby reducing their emissions and making NOPE less vulnerable to the rising costs of fuel in a fragile industry. Al Gore wants to invest already. With less weight in the cabin, the airlines could carry more cargo, monetizing their space more effectively. NOPE Airlines also won’t have to worry about providing it’s passengers with unhealthy sodas as the complimentary beverage because that’s not what their demographic consumes anyway, thereby incurring more savings. They’ll just have water, and they’ll be just fine. When you order your ticket online, you enter height and weight and if the numbers don’t look right, you get redirected to Amtrak. Check out this article written about this exact topic back in 2004 about obesity’s effects on airline prices.  Good word about the experience on NOPE Airways will eventually spread, decreasing obesity nationwide as more people wish to fly it which will result in less taxing of our over-burdened health care system leading to lower premiums and insurance costs for everyone. Hillary won’t even have to bother with national health care, this will solve it all.

Second, Pets. Snakes on a plane? It’ll never happen on NOPE Airways, you’ll have to fly American. I speculate on what hell might be like frequently since I may have already reserved my seat there through both my sense of humor and some of the things I’ve posited in entries like this, and now I’m thinking that for me it might consist of a never ending flight full of obese people who have brought their dogs and cats on-board with nothing but Dave Matthews Band available as the in-flight entertainment. See, normal people just have someone look after their pets when they’re gone, or if they’re really white, they leave them at one of those pet hotels. Just because you work at some progressive company where they let you bring your dog to work so it can crap by the fax machine doesn’t mean that the rest of society wants to be near your allergy-inducing substitute for the love you don’t get elsewhere. It’s actually just common courtesy, and it’s strictly enforced on NOPE Airlines.

Trust me, if there’s two things I know God loves, it’s diversity & Texas cause people from Texas are always pointing out how much God loves their state. God seems to have a thing for places with lots of desert. Anyway, I understand that people come in all shapes, sizes, and tonnage, and that many of them forge strong connections with animals. I wouldn’t have it any other way, until it starts to have an impact on me in which I want it only my way. I have the feeling I’m not alone. However, I’m pretty sure that pet ownership is on the rise with obesity, so my little endeavor may not be the most profitable one at this point. So, in the spirit of America, political correctness, and equal opportunity, I would also like to suggest a means for those excluded from NOPE to travel the skies. FLAB: Fairly Large & Animal Benevolent Airways.

It’s all in good fun, folks, remember that’s it’s just a silly blog….