Let’s say your car is a little old and isn’t running that well. You’ve changed out a few parts over the years trying to make it better, but you kept the originals and now rather than buying a new car you decide put them back in to try and eke a few more miles out of it. On that note, the 4th installment of the Fast & Furious franchise debuted at the box office recently and took home $72.5 million in its first weekend which means Americans still are not learning from the recession and spending their money in productive ways.

Here’s what  I know, even though it is a movie I haven’t seen- it is 106 minutes and apparently stars the  cast from the original Fast & Furious in 2001. The plotline has Vin Diesel’s character Dominic returning to LA from Panama where he has been living/hiding out/telling everyone he is going to open up a Quizno’s. He heads back to LA because every now and then someone mistakes him for Telly Savalas (thanks, Christopher) and let’s him into a club for half the cover price. Oh yeah, and also cause his girlfriend Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) has been murdered (maybe by Jared from Subway?). He ends up learning that a Mexican heroin smuggler is to blame and this individual is also being sought by Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker), his nemesis from the first Fast & Furious, who now works for the FBI.

I’m going to graze over the details because this movie is not about details, it’s about cars and bald people whose last names are synonymous with popular fuel mediums doing things that people in New Jersey or Southern California’s San Fernando Valley would find cool but no one else would give a shit about. Both Dominic and Brian enter into somewhat of a bromance and infiltrate the gang of the Mexican drug smuggler to pursue vengeance against their mutual enemy. From there, a lot of fast-driving occurs, sometimes through underground tunnels, by what I suspect are heavily tattooed individuals who work out a lot, use profanity, and also probably some scenes involving hot girls and likely some firearms. Like water  to all lifeforms, these elements must be present for anyVin Diesel movie to exist, and he is currently working on his own screenplay entitled “Tats, Gats, Lats, & Chicks That Aren’t Fat.” I can’t fully confirm this cause I haven’t seen it, but it would surprise me if I was wrong either about this or anything else.

Eventually, Dominic and Brian end up back in the states after capturing the leader of the heroin gang that was also responsible for Letty’s death, having driven over the speed limit for much, if not all, of the journey. When they get back to the US, the FBI arrests both the heroin gang leader and Dominic because of his previous criminal activity including hijacking fuel tankers on the highways of the Dominican Republic and operating a taco stand, “Nachos Del Diesel”, without a business license. Despite the efforts of Brian who lobbies on his behalf, Dominic is sentenced to 25 years in prison.

The movie ends with agent Brian O’Connor, his girlfirend who also happens to be Dominic’s sister, and a couple of their fellow contributors to society racing towards the bus carrying Dominic to serve his prison sentence at the California state penitentiary in Lompoc. In case you haven’t been to Lompoc, the penitentiary there is probably the nicest place you can find yourself within the city limits, but I think the implication is that the crew is going to rescue Dominic before someone gets Fast and Furious on his butthole in Cellblock D.

Look, times are tough. Those of us that have jobs know we’re lucky to not find ourselves doing things for money that might bring us shame like working, in any capacity, for either the Hallmark or Lifetime networks. Some people, however, are not as lucky, two of them being Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon, for it could only have been a set of dire circumstances that would have led either of these two quality performers to take part in Four Christmases which is as unique as a fat person at Applebee’s.

As you probably have already guessed, Four Christmases (click here to watch the Four Christmases Trailer) is not about a hybrid of the single-day Christian tradition of Christmas with the multi-day Jewish holiday of Hannukah, although that would be kind of cool cause we’d get more time off. Here’s the premise: a well-to-do, argumentative, childless, Whole Foods-shopping, BMW-driving, little dog-owning, The North Face-wearing (last 4 are conjecture) San Francisco couple decide to take a vacation to Fiji during Christmas as they normally do to avoid spending time with their families. Unfortunately, fog descends on San Francisco International Airport (I know, who would’ve guessed it, right?), and rather than waiting a few hours or at most a day like rational, less uptight individuals might, they decide to cancel their plans after their cover is blown when they appear in a television interview because we all know how hard it is to prevent oneself from appearing in TV interviews at the airport. Feeling guilty, they set out to visit their families in the area and as both of their parents have divorced and remarried, there are 4 different families for them to visit. No way, how crazy!

Let’s see…what would make their visits way hilarious? Oh, what if Vince Vaughn’s brothers are cage fighters who like totally start fighting in the living room? How about we make one of them John Favreau since he and Vince Vaughn have managed to make a movie worth seeing previously? Haha, awesome!!! You know what else is funny, chicks that are like way sexually aggressive! Surely it will result in laughs if Reese Witherspoon’s sister is hot, over-sexed, and flirts with Vince Vaughn all the time, kind of like a doable version of Blanche from Golden Girls. Let’s throw John Voigt in there as a parent too just cause why not, and possibly someone should get kicked in the balls at some point cause that’s always funny. YAY…we got a movie!!!!!

And that’s pretty much it. They go house to house and mayhem ensues, kind of like Jehova’s Witnesses only less creepy and without $50 suits and pamphlets in tow. Four Christmases is something you might like if you are unimaginative and would enjoy spending 80 minutes of your life waiting for something to be entertaining or funny. There will be more originality in the bag of Werther’s Originals you bring to the theater than there will be on screen during those 80 minutes if you see Four Christmases. Then again, much like Wisconsin, I haven’t seen it.

Now technically I’m not sure that this completely fits in the category of movies I haven’t seen because I have seen it. So have you and everyone else in existence. It may have been called something else like Animal House, PCU, National Lampoon’s Presents Van Wilder, Road Trip, Accepted, Old School, Revenge of the Nerds, or several American Pie movies. The plots may have varied slightly but the result was generally the same college movie basically implying that it would be a 4-year episode of Girls Gone Wild.

Here’s the actual summary of this film: a high school senior gets dumped by his girlfriend and is persuaded to attend college orientation with his good friends to help him forget about it. While at orientation, the group is recruited to pledge a fraternity where as luck would have it, they happen to meet some sorority girls. No way! Awesome! Over-zealous Frat bros become jealous of the pledges’ success with females and as such take it out on them through severe hazing, but the friends have other ideas in mind and decide to play a big joke on them instead. Ohhhh snap! No you didn’t!

Here’s a better summary of the film: predictable storyline starts with breakup. Group of guys embark on college orientation and cliches unfold one after another involving beer, girls and the college Greek system. Finally, against the odds, the underdogs achieve their goals set to a soundtrack of Time Life’s “Almost Punk” anthology, making fools of their antagonists and end up with hot women. Roll credits.

The cast is made up of a bunch of people you have seriously never heard of which means they might qualify to run with John McCain since it looks like my blog post suggesting Christopher Cross was unpersuasive. Guess he’s not a reader. Anyway, you’ll have a better chance recognizing names like Stacey L. Taniguchi in the hair and makeup credits than you will any of the lead roles. MGM has distribution rights and if they are smart they will distribute it straight to the $4.99 DVD bin at Target where it will be passed over for Ernest Goes To Jail. I have confirmed with my sources that the Chinese won’t be bothering to disregard international copyright laws and make illegal duplicates of this one, although the Russians will cause they like things that aren’t funny.

In conclusion, I don’t know who the president of Lionsgate Films is, but I don’t want him or her on my team for Pictionary cause that individual is as unimaginative as a German accountant, your average reggae song writer when they’re not really baked, or better yet, someone who would write a movie about people being in college and name that movie “College”. The movie may have been named by the masters of wit that own”Bistro Cafe”, a place I passed by recently which, when broken out, translates to “a small, European style restaurant or cafe Cafe.”  I want to know who gave the green light on the movie College and how long they’ve been color blind and I eagerly await the sequel, to be called something creative like “University”, “The 4-5 Years of School After High School”, “Undergraduate Degree”, “Studies”, or “Bachelor of Arts or Sciences”.

Watch the College movie trailer here

At first, you may be thinking “Hey, I didn’t know American patriot and first governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, John Hancock, was black.” But, no, my friends, the movie Hancock does not chronicle the life of this historical figure/molasses smuggler. That’s probably ok cause if it were, it would air on the Hallmark Channel around July 4th or something and likely star Valerie Bertinelli as some sort of victim. The writers did, however, creatively give this character the exact same name because most people who will go see Hancock probably don’t have a significant grasp on American history or discerning tastes.
Hancock has a solid cast, starring Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman’s hair which also features Jason Bateman. No, it is not Jason Bateman’s hair that is the superhero either, although I don’t completely understand why not. Will Smith  plays the main character of John Hancock in this film that is narrowly classified  in the Action, Comedy, Drama, and Fantasy genres. Apparently the writers haven’t met a cliche or a genre they didn’t like.

Here’s the basics…John Hancock is a super hero who tries to generally do the right thing, but whose antics end up having unfortunate side effects. He’s not the typical comic book superhero in that respect because those guys were always perfect, except for the ones that had ambiguous young male sidekicks in short shorts which no one questioned for some reason. I have not seen this movie, but from what I understand, Jason Bateman is not the ambiguous young male sidekick in short shorts to Hancock. At least he better not be cause then my opinion of his work on “The Hogan Family” will be adversely influenced.

Hancock seems to be applying his talents in a place that really needs the help. No, not embattled regions like Darfur, Iraq, or the strongholds of the Colombian rebel group FARC. Why would a superhero waste his time in places where the chicks are less plentiful and less hot? That would be un-American. Hancock is instead operating at large on the streets of Los Angeles where it’s like way easier to be a superhero if you know the right doctor. One day, Hancock saves Jason Bateman’s character, Ray Embrey (probably got called “Ray Embryo” in school), a busy PR executive. Busy PR executives in LA??? Why, how do they ever come up with such creative roles for these characters? Perhaps the sequel shall feature stock brokers from New York? Maybe ranchers in Texas? The oil fueling these creative fires must be enough to make OPEC  crap in their petroleum-exporting tighty-whiteys. Brilliant I tell you!!!

Upon saving Mr. Embrey, the two strike up a friendship at which time the softer, vulnerable side of Hancock is revealed. Awwwwwww. Wait, he’s a superhero with a human side too? What else could possibly be different about this enigmatic figure? He wears a beanie too? No way, man, that’s awesome cause beanies make a lot of sense in warm places like LA and they also make you tough, and a superhero would definitely need apparel to convey that!!! Capes and masks are so overdone, I mean that would have been totally obvious which doesn’t play in an engaging film like this. The complex twists add a variety of new elements to the film giving audiences the chance to connect with a figure that otherwise seems too obscure to find common ground with. But wait…Mr. Embrey’s hot wife played by Charlize Theron is skeptical of Hancock’s ability to change his well-intentioned but destructive ways. Uh-oh, I think there’s some arguments a-brewin’ there! Hope they don’t talk politics, haha! Throwing whales into the ocean will be nothing compared to overcoming such obstacles of the human experience. I have a feeling in the end, everything works out though.

It’s a lot to digest, I know. Such unique and cerebral plot lines are probably something that people without multiple advanced degrees from Ivy League institutions should steer clear of lest their true significance and meaning go un-pondered. Or you could take the introductory English class at your local junior college and obtain the skills to write a more creative, influential piece than Hancock even if it is a 30-second animated short about gravel. That, I at least might watch.

I give Hancock a -178 on my scale of infinity to infinity because I see nothing in it that hasn’t already been done, even if I really do like the people in the cast. One of the taglines is “There are heroes, there are superheroes, then there’s Hancock.” Well, there are movies, there are movies you might watch if you are in an Albanian hotel room and haven’t heard a word of English in three weeks, and then there’s Hancock.

Click here to watch the Hancock movie trailier

Hey, I have an idea for a movie! Let’s do something outside the box about two people who go to Vegas and end up drinking too much and getting married! Oh my god, think about how crazy that would be! AND…AND…since it it in Vegas, we can totally do something with the whole gambling angle where like they win some money together but don’t know how to divide numbers by 2 so a judge has to settle it and he makes them stay together to work it out. THEN, they realize that they do like each other after all and they totally stay together cause love is awesome! Who would guess that they’d stay together when they like really don’t get along at all at first!?

The above is an appropriately condescending synopsis of What Happens in Vegas (watch the trailer here), starring Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. Queen Latifa also makes an appearance, as does Dennis Miller, who plays the hilariously named “Judge Whopper”. Get it? Whopper. Just like Judge Wapner? It’s funny cause it sounds like an actual famous judge, but is really the name of a popular burger and candy, and judges don’t have names reflective of such things. Oh, the incessant laughs!

On a scale of 1-10, I give What Happens in Vegas a -73 for the sheer fact that its premise is more recycled than the papers Woody Harrelson rolls joints with. They did something almost exactly like this on”Friends” a few years ago, and if any of the other instances of this scenario we’d all seen had any significance, I’d cite them here as well. 20th Century Fox must not only love mediocrity, but prune juice as they have no trouble shitting out movies. What Happens in Vegas still managed to finish 2nd at the box office this past weekend by bringing in $20 million, but that’s kind of like if you let Cameron Diaz compete at the Special Olympics. She probably wouldn’t win, but she might get 2nd. What Happens in Vegas, stays….on the shelf once it gets to DVD.

As the category name directly indicates, I will be reviewing movies in this section which I have not seen. Therefore, the chances are slim that there will ever be a positive review in this section, but hey, we’ll see how it goes.

Let’s move on to my first entry in this category then, The Ruins (watch the trailer for The Ruins here), which finished 5th at the box office in its opening weekend and grossed a little over $8 million. That basically writes the review for me, but I will proceed nonetheless. The movie stars 5 people you’ve never heard of, and probably won’t hear of again unless you’re a CHP officer in Malibu in which case you’ll be writing 4 of the 5 DUI’s sometime within the next couple years.
Here’s a brief synopsis of the film: Four Americans vacationing in Mexico meet a German tourist that convinces them to join his search for his younger brother who was last seen near some ruins with his girlfriend. They get to the ruins and find a carnivorous vine growing in there which probably causes some problems, but also probably doesn’t prevent the better looking cast members from being naked and getting it on. Ben Stiller is one of the movie’s producers which means someone might get kicked in the balls at some point and it will be really funny.

There’s a lot of different ways I can go with this, but here are my observations:

• What is the name of this carnivorous Mexican vine, and is that the thing they wrap tamales in? If so, I’m gonna be more careful, but so help me god, I’ll still eat them every Christmas.
• Although the movie is set near Cancun, four Americans in their early twenties would most likely be in Rosarito signing waivers for “Girls Gone Wild” videos and throwing up Tecate on their Volcom board shorts rather than being concerned with anything of cultural significance. Said Americans would never ever have any clue that there are ruins in Mexico, and if they did, they would be disappointed to learn that they are different than the ones on the outside of the Rainforest Cafe.
• It’s a little cliche to have the evil ensue after following a German somewhere. If problems came about after meeting up with a Canadian, or a Swede, now that would be something. However, doing battle with a Carnivorous vine in the middle of the Mexican jungle is kind of what you’re asking for if you’re gonna roll with Dieter. Also, I’d be interested to see how they meet this German tourist, cause I’d be willing to bet it was while searching for a nice chair by the pool, only to find out the Germans had all woken up early and taken them all.

I have no idea how it ends, but in the spirit of big budget American films, my guess is that the brother will be found shaken, but alive, and the Americans will eventually kill the carnivorous vine, feeding much of Al-Qaeda to it in the process and then turn the ruin into a high end Spa/rejuvenation center operated by the W Hotel chain.