Ok, this one has been a long time coming. By now you have all seen the TV commercials for the Snuggie™, and I can no longer remain silent about this product. Although this is filed under Reviews of Products I’ve Never Used, it’s not entirely true because the Snuggie is actually just a  blanket (I know, it has sleeves) and I have used blankets on a daily basis my entire life, ones without sleeves, and I have never found the experience to be a frustrating or unpleasant one.

The official Snuggie website (I can’t believe I actually typed those four words) states the following: “Blankets are ok but they slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.” That rhymes just like Snuggie almost does with “Fugly”. Why how very correct you are, poet-laureate worthy Snuggie marketing personnel and copy-writing team. Every time I use a blanket I think to myself “Holy shit-steaks, I can’t get my hands out, they’re trapped!” Wait, no I don’t and further, I bet that never, ever, in the tens-of-thousands of years blankets have been around has anyone ever thought of their hands as being trapped inside one. I reject completely the assertion that blankets in any way represent the immobilizing, restriction or undesired confinement of my hands. Moreover, you have to try very, very hard for the experience of using a blanket to become one that is so frustrating you end up seeking an entirely new product to resolve the issue. The most important thing is that I can use a blanket and still respect myself.

I can’t be the only one wondering who thought to themselves that they would malign blankets as a means of pursuing the American dream? I would also like to ask what a Snuggie accomplishes that a large robe cannot? This is the real coup- not that someone has convinced people on a large scale that blankets are under-performing, but that the inventor of the Snuggie managed to trademark a robe.

Just as with Yorkshire Terriers and Smart Cars, many Snuggie owners have purchased one as a joke.  Or maybe a  Monk uniform which it is actually quite functional as due to the fact that it is backless. Recently, progressive attention seekers even threw a Snuggie pub crawl in San Francisco, resembling escapees from a Smurf Monastery except for the girls who made their Snuggies a little slutty (Slutties™?) which kind of defeats the purpose of something that is supposed to keep you warm but is also kind of awesome.

I know that you’ve probably already seen someone else clown this thing because it is just too hard to resist, and I can’t either, but I figured I’d wait a little bit. I’m pretty sure you’ve seen the commercials for the Obama Historic Victory Plate or otherwise been informed of its existence.

The designer of the site that sells the Obama Historic Victory Plate, a terrible piece of Ameri-crapa, not only took it upon him or herself to use black text on a blue background, they also designed it to auto-play the TV commercial without giving you the option to mute the sound. Granted, a 6-year-old in Bangladesh probably knocked this out in a half hour, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve some constructive criticism regarding their choice of color palettes and HTML abilities which parallels my desire to give that homeless guy with the cat that sits on top of the dog a handout in that it does not exist.

Now I’m not sure if the plate features an actual picture of Barack Obama or if the plate features a picture of a wax statue of Barack Obama, but either way something seems a little off with the photo. Adorning the top of the plate are the words “Barack Obama”, “Election Day” & “November 4, 2008″, the repetitive third phrase is there because “Thank you, Sarah Palin” apparently wouldn’t fit.

The site text also touts him as the first “African American Commander” however what the google translator tool the site authors used should have come up with is “African American Commander-In-Chief”. There have already been many African American Commanders such as Frederick D. Gregory who commanded the Space Shuttle Discovery in 1989 and Cmdr. George Thompson who was the first African American commander of the Navy Band, which by all accounts is way less cool than flying a Space Shuttle but probably helps his game during shore leave in San Diego.

Here’s what you get for $19.99 (+S&H) if you order the plate beside the knowledge that you deserve to die:

• One Original Historic Victory Plate
• One Historic Victory Plate Stand
• One Historic American Society Certificate of Authenticity
• Commemorative U.S. Mint Presidential Washington Dollar Coin

The coin has Obama on one side and George Washington on the other because what else could someone possibly come up with to put on a coin besides Geroge Washington? It won’t matter though cause it is uncirculated and you won’t be able to use it anywhere. Someone please call them to see if you can get the plate for $18.99 (+S&H) making the case that if the coin is worth $1.00 and you don’t want it, there should be no problem deducting this from the offering price if it does indeed have value.

Much like the Edward James Olmos Commemorative Wine Decanter, the Barack Obama Historic Victory Plate is the perfect compliment to any home furnished entirely at Rite-Aid. There is a limit of 2 plates per order which means that customers will likely still need to steal dishware from  Hometown Buffet in order to have enough place settings. Operators are standing by, marvelling at the existence of a country where people have enough discretionary income to waste $19.99 on a hideous plate.

On Tuesday, September 2nd, Google will launch Chrome, a free downloadable open source web browser. I’m not sure why they chose the name “Chrome”, but my guess is that it’s because Google has actually managed to buy the entire element of Chromium and wishes to commemorate it with something better than the company-sponsored free drinks at Marie Callendar’s that they usually throw when they acquire components of the periodic table.

Like other web-browsers, Chrome will use multiple tabs to organize the different pages users have open, however the browser’s technology will prevent one tab from crashing another and provide enhanced protection against attacks from rogue sites. Chrome will also utilize a more powerful JavaScript engine named “V8″ which indicates Google will likely issue a press release on Wednesday in which, like Chromium, they will announce acquisition of all V8 engines & vegetable juices in existence, kind of like when Columbus claimed North America for Spain and no one really did anything about it. Face it, if Google shows up and demands your Nissan Armada and Bloody Mary supplies, you’re basically going to have to hand them over. In addition, the browser features a privacy mode known as “Incognito” which prevents information about that user’s browsing from being collected, but eerily reminds them of the bad cologne they got from their aunt on Christmas.

At this point, Chrome will only run on windows platforms, however a Mac and Linux version of the browser are in development mostly so that those users will shut the hell up already. Some hail the move as an important step in the effort to wrest control of web browsing from Microsoft, who still controls about 73% of the browser market according to a New York Times article citing the research firm Net Applications.  What normal people realize is that this is also an important step in the efforts of one monopoly to supplant another and I’m really hoping Google doesn’t take this blog post seriously or else SEO will mean “Search Engine Ostracization” (I think it’s mine, but some smart ass out there will write me claiming they made it up first) for davidgorcey.com.

Although Apple products are the only two being reviewed in this blog by me so far (see review of the Mac Book Pro), I have nothing against them, I just enjoy poking fun at the articles that define the identity of some. At first I just thought they f-ed up and meant that they had made an IMAX movie about the iPhone in 3D, but apparently 3G stands for the 3rd generation of mobile phone standards and technology.

iPhone 3G Features:

• 3G Technology
• GPS Mapping
• Supports Microsoft Exchange
• Built-in iPod
• Rich HTML email

Pros:

• Although the iPhone 3G is used for the exact same functions, you can still tell yourself “at least i don’t have a Blackberry”
• New search function enables you to type in your thoughts and reference them with New York Times articles/ commentary to make sure you’re both still on the same page
• Thin enough to fit in overly thin pants
• Comes with a t-shirt that says “I am more or less Steve Jobs’ prison bitch”
• PC-related podcasts are stored in new feature called “lieTunes”.
• Not yet available in Europe (kind of like Mexican food) so you’ll finally have a reason why you’re glad you didn’t just stay after you spent 6 months teaching English in Prague.

Cons:

• Public cannot easily tell which version you have just by looking at it so you may want to download the application which projects “it’s the new one!!!” onto the nearest wall for you
• Still doesn’t take video so you’re not going to be the first one to upload a cool clip from the Obama rally
• Incessantly tries to hump your iPod (though ironically for a phone, never calls it the day after). The resulting inbreds known as “iPhods” typically languish in orphanages for unwanted products known by the more popular parlance of “Sharper Image”
• iPhone 3G is neither grass-fed nor organic
• Functions poorly as ninja-star and strangely as codpiece
• Having Safari as a web-browser is like having a VCR hooked up to a 46″wall-mounted plasma screen

Features:

• 1.6 or 1.8 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo Processor
• 2 GB RAM
• 80 GB Hard drive
• 13.3″ LED Display

Pros:

• Instantaneous admiration at most urban coffee shops
• Something to keep in those manila envelopes one doesn’t know what to do with
• Means to convey coolness with something carrying a larger Apple logo than other Apple accessories
• Offers immediate sense of self-righteousness and pseudo-progressive outlook
• Projects aura of creativity whether or not one possess any
• Doubles as really cool/gaudy place mat
• Fits in back pocket without interfering with chain wallet

Cons

• Takes a lot of them to build a fort
• Better for watching cartoon porn than regular porn
• Buying one equals fewer things to marvel at Apple store
• Macbook Air Jordans still delayed due to production issues
• Designed to reduce product lifetime by one day for every song played outside of indie rock genre
• Sense of pity felt & displayed for PC users becomes emotionally cumbersome