There is only one recurring theme in the song “Girls, Girls, Girls” by Motley Crue, and that recurring theme is repetition. Not only in the incessant repetition of that one word, but of things like names of strip clubs of which 6 different ones are mentioned in 3 different stanzas. A quick glance reveals that over 15% of this song’s lyrics are either the word “Girls” or the name of a strip club. This makes it relatively pointless to analyze as the message is fairly straight-forward and simplistic, but I’d like to ask you how insightful you would be if you needed a bottle of Jack every day just to feel right.

Friday night and I need a fight
My motorcycle and a switchblade knife
Handful of grease in my hair feels right
But what I need to make me tight are those

Initially our artist seems to be content with merely stabbing someone after riding his motorcycle to make his Friday night a satisfactory one. He goes on to indicate that a handful of grease in his hair feels right, although it is unclear if anyone else would agree with that statement. Perhaps someone disagreed but got stabbed and then run over by the artist on his motorcycle, which is a high price to pay for a disagreement involving hair, but was not completely unjustifiable given the degree of seriousness that accompanied men’s hair in the 80′s.

Girls, Girls, Girls
Long legs and burgundy lips
Girls,Girls, Girls
Dancin’ down on Sunset Strip
Girls, Girls, Girls
Red lips, fingertips

Although the artist has noted stabbings, motorcycle riding, and well greased hair are things they are amenable to, they here inform us that these pastimes still leave them feeling incomplete, leading to the chorus that tells us what finally makes them whole, which in case there is any confusion, happens to be girls. Of the 22 words in this chorus, 9 of them are the word “Girls”. This phenomenon is known as “Motley’s Law” which states that the makings of an 80′s hair band hit require no less than 41% of its chorus to be the same word. People like things they can remember.

The descriptions are short and the redundancies many as we thus ascertain that the desirable type of girls are the kind with long legs and mostly red body parts. Initially burgundy surfaces as the desired shade of red on the lips of the much noted girls. After the information that they dance on the Sunset Strip, the artist then seems to have realized that perhaps their demographic is unfamiliar with the term “Burgundy” so they simplify their lip color declaration and simply say that red lips are desirable instead of the aforementioned esoteric description of “burgundy” and also state that red fingertips are nice as well. Basically, this entire chorus could have been simplified to “Girls, red” and you would still come away with the same information.

Trick or treat-sweet to eat
On Halloween and New Year’s Eve
Yankee girls ya just can’t be beat
But they’re the best when they’re off their feet

Although Motley Crue hails from Los Angeles, California, their observance of popular American holidays appears to be obscure, as although trick or treating and eating sweets does correspond closely to Halloween, it typically has nothing to do with New Year’s Eve. At this stage we do receive much more insight into what the artist is after as they indicate Yankee girls are unbeatable. The term Yankee has a variety of meanings, sometimes applied to all citizens of the United States, and sometimes referring only to residents of America’s north eastern states. It is unclear whether they are using the broader or more narrow description, but either way, the artist prefers them off their feet. As such, we can only assume that they are after girls in wheelchairs indicating a strange inclination towards elderly, injured, or infirmed women. Herein lies a contradiction as this would severely inhibit a girl’s ability to dance on the Sunset Strip save for the occasional paraplegic night many local strip clubs featured at the time, but perhaps the artist has included this enigma to challenge their fans to seek the true meaning of their words.

Girls, Girls, Girls
At the Dollhouse in Ft. Lauderdale
Girls, Girls. Girls
Rocking in Atlanta at Tattletails
Girls, Girls, Girls
Raising Hell in the 7th Veil
Have you read the news
In the Soho Tribune
Ya know she did me
Well then she broke my heart

The Dollhouse, Tattletails, and the 7th Veil are all strip clubs in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, Atlanta, Georgia, and Los Angeles, California respectively. Each of these locations features girls, girls, girls, one of which was apparently quite insensitive to the artist and broke the poor man’s heart. Perhaps he wasn’t aware that she was only pretending to like him during his lap dance, which in all fairness she probably failed to communicate effectively. She also may have been a woman of some repute as the incident seems to have been reported in a publication known as the Soho Tribune which I can find no record of.

I’m such a good good boy
I just need a new toy
I tell ya what, girl
Dance for me, I’ll keep you overemployed
Just tell me a story
You know the one I mean

You may have been under the impression that the lyrics of this song could not become more simple given the previous stanza, however, this one lowers the bar another notch. The artist begins with some braggadocio  indicating that he is good, and deserving of a new toy, perhaps as a reward for his good behavior. He seems to be an avid employer of dancing as he offers a solution to the problem of underemployment by promising to keep the dancer overemployed which is a novel concept, mostly because it isn’t a word. He also requests the re-telling of a familiar story which seems to be familiar to both of them. My guess is that the story may be Passage 1:19 from the Biblical Book of Luke  where the angel Gabriel appears to Zacharias:

• “And the angel answering said unto him, I am Gabriel, that stand in the presence of God; and am sent to speak unto thee, and to shew thee these glad tidings.”

This would make sense as the story our artist wants to hear because altough the stripper before him has broken his heart, he finds solace in the hope that an Angel would perhaps bring to him glad tidings when she took the stage later that evening.

Crazy Horse, Paris, France
Forgot the names, remember romance
I got the photos, a menage a troi
Musta broke those Frenchies laws with those

Moving on, the Crazy Horse is another strip club, and the artists seem to have forgotten the names of the dancers there, likely because in France they aren’t all named “Savannah”. They do however, remember the romance that apparently occurred and this romance has been documented with photographic evidence. The artists seem to be ignorant of the French legal code however because nothing mentioned in this previous stanza would seem to be illegal under French law. It is possible that they are confusing French laws with Utah laws in which case most of the previous stanza would be illegal, but that’s why Utah is the “Beehive State” and not “The state you’ll get laid in” which I believe was aleady taken by New Hampshire anyway.

Girls, Girls, Girls
Body Shop and the Marble Arch
Girls, Girls, Girls Tropicana’s where I lost my heart
Girls, Girls, Girls

14 out of the 21 words in this stanza are either “Girls” or the names of strip clubs which for those you keeping track would be 2/3. This gives us the highest ratio of “Girls” and strip club names to total words of any stanza in this song. It’s like they gave up but needed one more verse in order for the song to be long enough to make it on the radioThe only time the words rhyme in this verse is when it is the same word. I suppose “Girls” does rhyme with “Girls” but if we accepted this as legitimate poetic structure then even Dave Matthews would be considered an artist.

In this installment of “Songs Dissected“, we will take a look at the song “Human”. Now I know what you’re thinking- “Human” by The Human League, a number 1 hit from 1986, however the song I am talking about is that song by The Killers which you hear on your favorite radio stations between songs by Kings of Leon. “Human” is catchy and a bona-fide hit, that also asks important questions about humanity related to dance. A considerable debate has apparently raged on the internet regarding the lyrics to this song, but I have gone with the general consensus that the chorus is “are we human, or are we dancer.” Yes, “dancer”, singular, don’t ask me cause I don’t know why.

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind

So here we go. “Human” starts with the artist receiving a phone call, undoubtedly eating into his rollover minutes. The call results with him being brought up to the “platform of surrender”, which some have described as a diving board with a French flag painted on it, but this cannot be confirmed. Apparently when he got there though, he was kind, so perhaps it was a diving board with a box of Twinkies in addition to a box of Ding Dongs on it.

And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart
Cut the cord

Here the artist’s lyrics imply that he is one of the ~20,000 Americans who suffer from a fear of Home Depot due to his aversion to open doors and the abundance of them in their doors & windows section. This is an under-reported, but devastating mental illness, and rather than deal with his anxieties head on, the artist prefers to close his eyes, clear his heart, perhaps through the use of a cholesterol-reducing medication such as Lipitor, and cut the cord.

Or perhaps the open door could be a metaphor of life’s opportunities, his nervousness about these indicating a fear of failure. Closing his eyes, clearing his heart, and cutting the cord might be interpreted as leaving fear, past experiences and attachment behind so that he can conquer his fears and seize the opportunities before him. Whatever.

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

At this stage, the artist begins to ask an important question which seems to confound him throughout this lyrical exercise. He wants to know if we are human, or if we are dancer, apparently convinced that the two are mutually exclusive. I refute this hypothesis and offer potential answers as follows:

a) we are human only
b) we are dancer only
c) we are both human and dancer
d) we are neither human nor dancer

My assertion is that the correct answer is c) we are both human and dancer. However, if by “we”, The Killers mean white people, then the answer may be a) we are human only.

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could

I have never heard of anyone saying their last goodbyes to qualities and/or adjectives, but that appears to be what is going on here. Apparently, the artist is parting with many things society views as positive traits such as virtue, soul, and romance. With that in mind he may be about to join Dave Matthews Band, but the exact reason for this is left ambiguous.

And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You’ve gotta let me go

This is getting a little overly sentimental now. “Devotion” apparently taught him everything he knows which makes no sense. However, this is probably better than being taught everything you know at a Catholic private school because then everything you know is that the earth formed a few thousand years ago and whenever you picture someone naked you get a little closer to hell.

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

c) we are both human and dancer. Unless by “we” you mean Justin Timberlake, in which case the answer is b) we are dancer only because the human part I’m not so sure about. You may get up now.

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we’re receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?

It is unclear which system the artist is referring to here. Is it a computer system? Maybe they should shut down all the windows and restart? They should also clear their cache and cookies and I doubt that’s the cause of the problem, but I always get told to do it anyway.

Moving on, the artist also indicates “there is no message we’re receiving” which reminds me of the song “Major Tom Coming Home” by Peter Schilling which I just realized has a German version like 99Luft Balloons by Nena. In the English version there is a line: ” ‘Hello Major Tom, are you receiving? Turn the thrusters on, we’re standing by.’ There’s no reply” and in the German version he probably asks the same thing, just more efficiently, without emotion, and while eating Haribo Gummi Bears. This does nothing to explain these lyrics, I just thought I’d share that.

But whatever, I’m getting tired of all the questions here, seriously, just like I am tired of hearing about the guy who landed that plane on the Hudson.  I mean, they talk about “the unlikely event of a water landing” on every flight, and calling it that kind of makes it seem like the plane can just land on water if a runway is not available. Therefore, it shouldn’t be such a huge deal when someone actually does it, so in this respect, I give the pilot a C for doing a satisfactory job.

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer

c) we are both human and dancer. Unless by “we” you mean a pod of dolphins, in which case the answer would be d) we are neither human nor dancer.

You’ve gotta let me know
Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I’m on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer? (repeat 3x)

c) we are both human and dancer. Unless by “dancer” you mean one of Santa’s Reindeer, who if I remember correctly was sort of a dick to Rudolph. If so I’d have to once again change my answer to a) we are human only cause no way would I want to be associated with that douche. I’d much rather hang with the overrated dude who landed the plane on the Hudson.

As many of you know, I do take requests and your ideas for posts are always appreciated even if I sometimes read them and think to myself “Boy was that a retarded idea.” However, generally your requests for songs to be dissected are good ones so when one subscriber mentioned the song “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” by the band Cake, I was happy to break it down.  You may be familiar with Cake’s style from their mid-90′s hit song “The Distance” and in “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” they find a creative way to tell us just exactly what men want. In fact, there’s so much insight and wit in the first stanza of “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” it will make you appreciate a well written song and rise up against crap like that Dave Matthews song  about “a monkey on a train” which he was inspired to write while watching his fans show up for a concert at Madison Square Garden.

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what’s best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes

The song begins with the artist listing some of the many things he finds desirable in a woman. Indicating that intelligence is important, the assertion is made that the artist wants a girl with a mind that is sharp like a diamond, not “like a diamond” in the sense that he wants a girl with a mind like Dustin Diamond which would be the opposite of that and an indication that they do not have the ability to effectively judge the intellect of other people.

He wants a girl who knows what’s best and also indicates wanting said female to possess shoes that cut. This may illustrate some confusion over the term “stiletto” on the artist’s part as shoes with stiletto heels do not actually have the ability to cause lacerations as a stiletto blade does unless they are perhaps wielded by Naomi Campbell. If the eyes are indeed the windows to the soul, then the artist may also desire a woman who is an Altria shareholder due to their ownership of Phillip Morris, or perhaps one in need of Visine, Opcon A, or another over-the-counter eye drop medication designed to alleviate burning eyes.

I want a girl with the right allocation
Who’s fast, and thorough, and sharp as a tack
Shes playing with her jewelry, shes putting up her hair
Shes touring the facility and picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt,
And a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong jacket

One sign of a truly great song is the ability of the lyrics to transcend the era in which they were written. By desiring a woman with the right allocation (401K vs. other investments), we see the importance of a woman with financial common sense, a timeless trait, so perhaps this ideal female is actually Suze Orman, although she seems to prefer smart business attire over short skirts and long jackets. Then again, she got rich somehow so who knows.

Again the artist repeats their desire for a woman that is mentally adroit, whose mind is sharp, not like a diamond this time, but sharp like a tack. Tacks are those things you use to pin up the pieces of “art” and motivational quotes in your cubicle. By the way, that quote you have: “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give” makes me want to give you the bird every time I pass by your desk.

Moving on, the artist wants a woman that is not only well accessorized but may also be a bit sexually frustrated given that he wants her to be fidgety with her jewelry. While it has been established that this woman needs to be of sound mind financially, here we see hints that the occupation of this ideal female may be an Operations Manager as the artist finds the ability to tour facilities and improve their efficiency a desirable one. Finally, at the end of the verse, we reach the main point of the song which is the universal allure of women who wear short skirts with long jackets. There’s just something about it.

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut her red tape

Here we find more indications of the lifestyle this short skirted, long jacketed woman should adhere to. It seems that she should only need about 4 hours of sleep, well below physician recommended levels as she must get up early and also stay up late. As if enough hasn’t been asked already, the artist requests this female to have uninterrupted prosperity which might be a good field for the people at eHarmony or Match.com to let users run search queries on as many individuals would find such a characteristic desirable.

This stanza is also important as we are given a distinct hint as to the political affiliation this woman needs to have. A low tolerance for bureaucracy and the willingness to eliminate it with weapons possibly regulated by the federal government precludes her from being a Democrat (who would prefer red tape and try to “hug it out” over any disagreement about it) and indicates she is likely a Republican or Libertarian. This is ironic however in that woman in either of these parties would prefer long skirts and longer jackets, so it is doubtful that she fully conforms to the label of any American political party.

With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
Shes touring the facility and picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt,
And a long, long jacket

It takes a certain level of creativity to use finger nails in symbolic reference to the shining light of justice but that’s why Cake is a band that Dave Matthews could never dream of being with all the fiddle solos in the world. Vocal tone surfaces as an issue as this woman needs to have a dark voice which now puts Kim Carnes who sang “Bette Davis Eyes” in the running, although I would have to do some more research on what her 401K allocation is to determine if she is truly the right fit here. The rest is just re-iteration of the desire for previously declared mental capabilities and operations management skills culminating once again in the statement that this  girl should be wearing a short skirt and a loooooooooong jacket.

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
At Citibank we will meet accidentally
Well start to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cup holder arm rest
She wants a car that will get her there
Shes changing her name from Kitty to Karen
Shes trading her mg for a white Chrysler LeBaron
I want a girl with a short skirt,
And a
Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong
Jacket

The final stanza begins with more assertions centered around the theme of financial sensibility. I’m not sure what is meant by “smooth liquidation” other than that it means her assets can easily be converted to cash, while once again the stock portfolio is highlighted indicating that the artist will not tolerate poor dividends from this girl’s holdings. The artist also speculates on how he might meet this female, which will perhaps be at a banking institution short of writing instruments that will be the catalyst for their initial conversation and perhaps the exchanging of phone numbers.

We also find out that this female will want a reliable automobile that also features cup holders in the armrests and this vehicle may be a Chrysler LeBaron and with her financial know-how, acquiring anything made by Chrysler will be no problem. Finally, we learn that the female in question is likely neither Suze Orman nor Kim Carnes as this female is in the process of changing her name from “Kitty” to “Karen” which doesn’t really seem like a step in the right direction in terms of names, but the important thing is that she wears a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooong jacket.

So, here’s what we’ve learned about the artist’s ideal woman:

1. She is intelligent
2. She is good with money
3. She is an Operations Manager
4. She contributes heavily to her 401K, and perhaps has a Roth IRAif she qualifies
5. Her portfolio contains dividend stocks, possibly including cigarette manufacturers
6. She loathes bureaucracy
7. Her voice is dark and she can probably pull off a Macy Gray song at karaoke.
8. She wears only short skirts and looooooooooooong jackets.

Sounds about right to me…

It’s been a little while since we took an analytical look at one of the defining anthems of our day. Axl is now busy on “Chinese Democracy” because apparently he was too high to witness Tian An Men square back in the day so he thinks the concept has legs. Remember Axl, just because they have adopted some free market economic policies does not mean they are close to being a constitutional republic. I am not nominating Axl for Vice President as he is no Christopher Cross, my friends, but I do admire his ability to write songs that drunk girls put on jukeboxes along with  “Don’t Stop Believing” and  “Sweet Caroline”.

[Chorus: x2]

Take me down
To the paradise city
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Take me home

We begin with declarations by the artists that they desire to be taken to the Paradise City. This is quite an ambiguous request as this location is either metaphorical or possibly referring to some of the many cities known to be actually named “Paradise”. There is no available data on the quality of grass or aesthetic appearance of women in these cities, however, so it is impossible to know for sure. The desire for green grass which indicates favorable nitrogen levels in soil coupled with the fact that the band’s name involves roses indicates a strong inclination towards quality landscaping.

Just a’ urchin
livin’ under the street
I’m a hard case
that’s tough to beat
I’m your charity case
So buy me somethin’ to eat
I’ll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line

The artist fancies himself an urchin, displaying ignorance by indicating that as a water-borne animal, his existence might somehow be under a street like a mole or a worm. This is simply impossible. The urchin comparison is quickly eschewed for cases, both criminal and charity which the artist somehow parlays into requests for food. Much like the character Wimpy in Popeye who “will gladly repay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today”, the artist has no intention of immediately repaying such gratitude telling whomever might purchase him this free meal that they are basically to get at the end of the line presumably behind his many creditors. There is no connection between these assertions and the trip to the mythical city of Paradise they have expressed interest in.

Ragz to richez or so they say
Ya gotta-keep pushin’
for the fortune and fame
It’s all a gamble
When it’s just a game
Ya treat it like a capital crime
Everybody’s doin’ their time

Here we see this ode turn to the American spirit, and the idealism of pulling oneself up by their boot strings to achieve fortune. This celebration of the individual knows no greater patron than Axl Rose. Or perhaps it is a shout out to the short lived 80′s sitcom “Rags to Riches.” Seeking to inspire listeners the artist urges them to keep pushing for fortune and fame, noting, however, that such pursuits are a risky gamble which he may or may not have deduced through event chain methodology. Finally, it is pointed out that society may at times scorn the quest for success, treating it as a “capital” crime, however the line “everybody’s doing their time” wittily makes the point that everyone is out for fortune and fame and is therefore guilty of this same crime.

[Chorus:]

Strapped in the chair
of the city’s gas chamber
Why I’m here I can’t quite remember
The surgeon general says
it’s hazardous to breathe
I’d have another cigarette
but I can’t see
Tell me who you’re gonna believe

Here we see the artists highlight the negative aspects of their current location in an attempt to further justify their journey to the Paradise city. Undoubtedly referring to the high smog levels present in the Los Angeles, California area during the 1980′s, they describe the environment like a gas chamber causing them to reflect on why they indeed remain in such an undesirable environment at all. The city’s proximity to Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, Universal Studios and Medieval Times may have been what made it worthwhile, but the true reason is not specifically stated.

Further, as patrons of overall respiratory health issues, Guns N’Roses draw our attention to a paradoxical situation. The surgeon general had warned that it is hazardous to breathe the air much like he had warned not to smoke cigarettes. The irony of the situation that Guns N’Roses points out is that in such circumstances one might as well smoke because either way, your respiratory health is compromised and they implore listeners not to believe any medical authorities that recommend against breathing. Though they describe the situation mockingly, their inability to see their own cigarettes through the LA smog might have actually prolonged their lives because smoking only worsens the effects of poor air quality.

[Chorus]

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

Here we get our first indication of where the Paradise City may be as it is described as far from Guns N’Roses’ home base of Los Angeles. Within reason, we can deduce that it is likely at least as far away as Long Beach though certainly the repetition of the phrase four times means that somewhere much farther like Santa Clarita would not be out of the question because with traffic that could be like a couple hours.

Captain America’s been torn apart
Now he’s a court jester
with a broken heart
He said-
Turn me around and
take me back to the start
I must be losin’ my mind-
“Are you blind?”
I’ve seen it all a million times

The last stanza may be metaphorical, using the disenchantment of an American icon to highlight the song’s theme which has to do with the hypocrisy the artists perceive in their surroundings. It seems likely then that in the Paradise City where lawns are healthy, women are beautiful, and smog is not likely present, hypocrisy is also less plentiful than in other cities.

However, in pursuing a more literal interpretation of this last stanza, I was unable to find any official record that Captain America ever became a dismembered, single, court-jester. It is possible though, particularly if he got into it with Captain Caveman or worse yet, Captain and Tennile. I did uncover evidence that he may have been involved romantically with his northern counterpart Captain Modest Mounty of Canada who’d himself recently suffered an “Arrrr”-duos breakup with Captian Crunch but I’ll stick to the story the way I understand it which is that during the 80′s, Captain America was getting busy with the girl from “My Two Dads” though maybe Axl knows something that we don’t cause he probably hooked up with her too.

In 1990, UB40 released the album Labour of Love which contained, amongst others, the song “The Way You Do The Things You Do”. You may know their other hits such as “Red, Red Wine” and “(I Can’t Help) Falling in Love With You” which was featured in the movie Sliver which you probably rented from Warehouse video one weekend with Reality Bites.

“The Way You Do The Things You Do” is light, upbeat, and full of the reggae/ska rhythms that made UB40 a popular fixture on the 80′s and 90′s music scene. It also contains one of the best lyrics ever recorded on paper, and although it is light and easy on the ears, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve the deep analysis and debate afforded to the songs lucky enough to be featured in this section.

You got a smile so bright
you know you could of been a candle
I’m holding you so tight
You know you could of been a handle

The artist starts off by indicating that his subject has a very bright smile, similar to the way a candle shines, but hopefully somewhat less waxy in texture. He is holding his shiny, waxy love object very tightly, similar to the way someone grips a handle, though we are unsure what type of handle this is. Though affection is an important part of the courtship process, holding someone as tightly as one grips handles may actually result in suffocation, loss of circulation and is probably grounds for domestic assault charges depending on how tightly one normally grips handles. If you don’t grip them that tightly, this is probably ok, but I advise discretion.

My analysis of the “handle” comparison is that there were no other appropriate words that rhymed with “candle”, and for some reason, they really wanted to stick with that line. There probably wasn’t anything romantic that they could do with the word “sandal”, and the line “You make me violent like a Vandal” was likely edited by the record label.

The way you swept me off my feet
You know you could’ve been a broom
And babe you smell so sweet
You know you could’ve been some perfume

Perhaps the sandal reference would not have been too far off as the singer compares his subject now to a broom. Given this no fear approach to comparisons while seeking affection, I’d like to suggest that they could have used the line:

“I want to fold you up in my trapper keeper,
Baby, you swept me up just like a street sweeper”

The comparisons of perfume are much more appropriate as women generally respond favorably to being told that they smell nicely, and perhaps the juxtaposition of brooms with perfumes is an intentional element inserted to add depth to this composition. Or again, perhaps they really just wanted to work “perfume” into the mix and “broom” was as close as they could get.”You’re like a better fungus than a mushroom” or “I want to create children in your womb” were aparently passed on as alternatives.

Well you could of been anything that you wanted to,
I can tell, the way you do the things you do,
Alright, the way you do the things you do

At this point, the singer may have realized the strange nature of some of their comparisons and given up momentarily saying that they can compare themselves to anything they want. He then indicates that he can tell the the way his subject does the things they do. This may mean that he can tell the way they write, astutely observing which hand they hold a pen with.

As pretty as you are
you know you could of been a flower
If good looks were minutes
You know you could of been an hour

The comparisons are improving here, albeit in a somewhat odd manner as we come to one of the best song lyrics of all time. The comparison of a woman’s beauty to a flower is about as unique as rolled up pant legs and bike locks doubling as accessories at a hipster convention. Therefore, this line explains itself. However, you will be hard pressed to find a better lyric than the line “If looks were minutes you know you could have been an hour” no matter how far and wide you search the annals of written music. I interpret this line to mean that the subject of the song has at least 60 units of looks. There is no benchmark to compare this with, so we are unsure how this score of 60 compares to the average individual, however based on this, the statement “If looks were minutes, you’d be only 10 seconds” would make a good insult as this implies someone has only 1/6th of a unit of looks, which by most accounts would be a seemingly low amount.

The way you stole my heart
You know you could of been a crook
And baby you’re so smart
You know you could of been a school book

The artist now turns to accusations, however we find fault with their logic here. If this female subject was so smart, would she not have stolen his wallet, or wrist watch instead of his heart? Sure, black market prices in India and Mexico are attractive, however the shelf life of such inventory is limited and high-risk. Unless of course, the school book comparison is a veiled insult, like if what he really means is a 3rd grade level school book when the subject, in fact is a fourth grader.

Well you could of been anything
That you wanted to, I can tell
The way you do the things you do, (all right)
The way you do the things you do

The reiteration of this inside knowledge about the way the subject does the things they do betrays a certain arrogance by the artist, perhaps designed to deflect attention away from the haphazard comparisons outlined above. I liken it to the arrogance of Iago in “Othello” but your analysis may vary.

You make my life so rich
You know you could of been some money
And baby you’re so sweet
You know you could of been some honey

Here the artist has taken a page from the timeless writings of the material girl making no attempt to compare his satisfaction with her to that of financial security. Again, I will suggest the alternate line “If you were a male, I’d call you Magnolio, baby you appreciate, just like my portfolio”.

The “sweet” and “honey” exaltations are of the same creative cloth as the “70′s tennis player” costume seems to be at Halloween parties and costume-related events these days and therefore requires no explanation because everyone is tired of it.

At this point, the song merely repeats previously recited verses which need not be re-examined. Overall, we find “The Way You Do The Things You Do” to be a compilation of unique and overdone metaphors strung together creating a nice little ditty. If quality were raindrops, this post could have been some showers, but “Saved by The Bell” just came on and I want to watch Screech Powers.

The year was 1991. Your pants were pegged, and your Thursday nights were dedicated to the wealthy shenanigans of the cool kids (and Andrea) of Beverly Hills, 90210. Though you should have been more concerned with communism ending along with the cold war, you were fascinated by the quartet Color Me Badd, and their hit song “I Wanna Sex You Up”. About a year later you find yourself embarrassed and hope that no one remembers you having their tape when you’re lining up outside The Warehouse for Nirvana tickets, so just in case you forgot this early 90′s classic, I’ve broken it down here for you.

Come inside, take off your coat, I’ll make you feel at home.
Now let’s pour a glass of wine ’cause now we’re all alone.

The songs begins with the singer inviting their guest inside, offering a “Mi casa, su casa” type of hospitality. The singer then offers the guest a glass of wine due to the fact that they are alone. The clandestine nature of such wine consumption may indicate that the participants are either under the age of 21, or that the wine is a Merlot.

I’ve been waiting for you girl, just let me hold you close to me,
‘Cause I’ve been dyin’ for you girl, to make love to me.

An important piece of information is revealed here, as based on Color Me Badd’s physical appearance, one would not have been immediately sure whether the subject of this song would be male or female. Here, we are told that the subject of the song is indeed a female, but this could be an all out lie, as this same smoke and mirrors technique served George Michael well in the years leading up to Color Me Badd’s arrival on the gay-sounding, but not-quite-sure music scene (later to be usurped by Dave Matthews).

Girl, you make me feel real good.
We can do it ’til we both wake up.

The declarations of love continue, but the singer appears to be confused as to how love-making actually occurs because he states that “we can do it ’til we both wake up”, indicating that somehow the entire act will be performed while they sleep. Perhaps the “birds and the bees” talk was never had with Color me Badd, or perhaps it was had with them by Jerry Falwell who was rumored to be a big fan.

Girl, you know I’m hooked on you,
And this is what I’ll do…

Ever the hopeless romantic, Color Me Badd reveal that they are “hooked” on this girl, thereby incorporating her on a list with dangly earrings, and mousse. They then go on to indicate that they will shortly describe how the encounter will transpire.

I wanna rub you down.
I wanna sex you up.
All night.
Girl You make me feel / Girl I want it / real good.
I wanna rub you down.
I wanna sex you up.

The artists continue the song with a serious of one line statements and sentence fragments. Not unlike a hostage situation, which may also characterize many of Color Me Badd’s interactions with females, this stanza consists of the dictation of things they want. These things include the deliverance of massages, lovemaking, and the desire for these things to be “real good”. For extra emphasis, the demands to give massages and make love are reiterated at the end of the stanza

Let me take off all your clothes.
We’ll disconnect the phone so nobody knows.

Here we see things get slightly weird, not with the straight to the point request to take off the female’s clothes, but with the fact that the phone needs to be disconnected for some reason. Is the title of the song “I want to phone-sex you up”? Are the members of Color Me Badd somehow linked to Al-Qaeda and being tapped? There is no reason given why disconnecting the phone is necessary or will prevent anyone from knowing what is going on, unless they have inadvertently dialed someone and placed the phone on speaker. It may also be so that the female cannot alert the proper authorities if Color Me Badd’s advances are unrequited or when she realizes that they probably put something in her drink.

Let me light a candle,
So that we can make it better.
Makin’ love until we drown.

The confusion continues here. The use of candles to heighten romance is well documented, but the singer does not elaborate on the candle’s purpose in the situation. Perhaps in the course of disconnecting the phone, the electricity was cut off as well and the candles are necessary to see. Given what we know of Color Me Badd, however, the female will quickly desire for the candle to be extinguished so that their appearance can be once again enhanced by the cover of darkness.

Confusion also surrounds the assertion of the possibility of drowning, and that such drowning can be hastened by their lovemaking. The fact that the artists mentioned pouring a glass of wine earlier in the song is indicative that their lovemaking is likely not underwater, thereby reducing the risk of drowning. Further, due to their ignorance of popular slang, the artists may have thought drowning was probable due to the female’s likely insistence on him wearing a “raincoat”, but his fixation on drowning is never fully explained.

Girl, you know it feels real good
We can do it ’til we both wake up.
Girl, you know I’m hooked on you.
And this is what I’ll do.

Leaving no room for debate, the artists tell the female that the experience is enjoyable, however, the statement is uncorroborated as no evidence of such enjoyment by the female actually exists. Again, the statement is made that they will be making love until they both wake up, leading to the conclusion that one of them might be unconscious during it possibly making this a criminal act. Several other lines follow this stanza, but they are largely without meaning and have been purposefully excluded from this analysis, just like Color Me Badd from the annals of time.

Make sweet lovin’ all night long…
(I wanna sex you up)
Feels so right it can’t be wrong…
(Girl you make me feel good )
Don’t be shy girl rescue me…
(I wanna sex you up)
Open up your heart and I’ll set you free

Concluding the song, the artists combine promises, orders and logic to ensure that the sexing up process takes place. The promises are that the sexing up will last all night, and that if the female opens up her heart, she will somehow be emancipated. How very creative it was for them to rhyme “rescue me” with “I’ll set you free”. Somewhere, probably as accounts receivable temps at VH1, the guys in Aerosmith are envious that they never managed to include something quite this insightful in a song of their own.

The demands are for the female to exhibit more Type-A behavior and to rescue him from his deficiency of sexing up interactions. Logic is employed as a tool of persuasion by noting that things which feel right cannot therefore be wrong, as this would be inherently contradictory. Though logical, the United States Supreme Court frequently disagrees with this rationale, however it is unlikely that the female subject is either a supreme court justice or has had experience trying a case in front of them so the argument is likely to resonate with her.

You may not be as familiar with R. Kelly’s “You Remind Me of Something” as you are with some of the other songs I have dissected for you in this blog, but a fan of the blog recommended this one, and it was too good not to dive into. I honestly don’t know where R. Kelly came up with this, or why he decided to write these thoughts down and form a song out of them, but he’s giving the Dave Matthews Band a run for their money in the “Worst Shit Ever” category. The song’s analysis follows.

You remind me of something
I just can’t think of what it is

R. Kelly starts us off by indicating that the subject of his affection reminds him of something which is currently escaping him. Perhaps it is a jellyfish. Perhaps it is cilantro. Perhaps it is a silver mine in Arkansas he visited as a child. Let us see and explore…

[1] – You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it
Something like my sound, I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it
And something like my bank account
I wanna spend it, baby

Guess I was off…R. Kelly’s memory returns and he reveals in quite plain English that he now recalls what this person reminds him of. He is also not without many a simile in mind when it comes to explaining. Under most circumstances, a male would not expect to gain a female’s affections by comparing her to a car, but R. Kelly decides to crap all over chivalry, and compares his woman to an off-road vehicle.

Moving on, he indicates that much like his sound, he wants to “pump” this particular female, and I feel it worth noting at this point that since he is using the verb “pump”, and much of this stanza revolves around automobiles, it would have been more insightful to use a gasoline reference and say “Something like Shell V-Power, I wanna pump it” rather than “Something like my sound, I wanna pump it”. Not my decision though.

Clearly suffering from writer’s block, he again compares this woman to his cars, which he apparently keeps shiny and states that he has the desire to wax this particular female, which would likely result in severe skin irritation for her not unlike the sensation of being tarred and feathered. It’s R. Kelly, so it’s pretty believable. Finally, he tops this misguided set of compliments off by revealing a predisposition towards financial irresponsibility, somehow desiring to “spend” this poor female like the $107.00 he likely has in his bank account. He does not elaborate on what he wishes to spend her on, or how he might convert her to actual currency, but I’m guessing it involves more automobiles and is somewhere between 427.00-527.00 Eithiopian Birr.

It’s something about your love that’s got me going crazy
Baby, you know I want you real bad
And girl I really like your freaky style
How can I be down with you?
So get a little closer to my ride
I wanna get to know you lady
And hip me up on how to get inside you
Listen, pretty baby

We find this second stanza to basically just be a collection of statements thrown together. Rather than degrading his subject through car comparisons and viewing her as a unit of currency though, R. Kelly begins to let his true feelings known and ask questions. We soon learn that he is a fan of this woman’s “freaky style”, which is an ambiguous assertion, but leads him to implore her to tell him how he can be “down” with her. Mathematically speaking, we now have an equation as follows: R Kelly Level of Down-ness= (female freaky style)(female proximity to vehicle).

R. Kelly also reveals himself to be a respectful gentlemen because he actually wants to get to know this female, and “get inside” of her to really peer into her soul. At least I think that’s what he means. Finally, he asks her to listen which leads us to believe something important will follow.

[2] – I wanna roll it, roll it, roll it, roll it
Is all I wanna do for you baby
Girl, it’s something kind of sexy
Goin’ on about you babe
[repeat 1, 1]

I was wrong about something important coming. Here we learn that R Kelly wants to “roll it, roll it, roll it”. Is it a pie crust? R. Kelly, perpetual artist that he is, lets the listener decide for themselves. Is it dice? Whatever it is, he wants to roll it for the female. Is he perhaps a log roller? There is no transition between what it is he will roll and his statement that there is “something kind of sexy” he perceives to be going on here. “Sexy” is generally a clear cut characteristic, so if she is “something kind of sexy” maybe she has a pretty face, but an unflattering figure, or perhaps vice versa- again, the ambiguity is part of R. Kelly’s magic.

Now I would like to take you on a ride tonight
Girl, you know we’ll have so much fun
And give you everything your body needs
Satisfaction guaranteed
So pull up to my bumper and let the system sound
Girl, I bet cha’ I can drive you crazy
And let me be the one to drop you off
Babe, listen to me
[rpt 2, 1, 1...1]

Again with the cars. As is common procedure in courting rituals, R. Kelly offers to give the female a ride in his car, no doubt hoping to impress her with the wealth and prominence the car symbolizes and also to subtly assert control and dominance by being the one doing the driving. He perceives that this ride will be fun, so perhaps they will drive out to the country and maybe stop at a winery or possibly a cider mill. Rather than a picnic lunch, R. Kelly will be providing everything the female’s body needs which may consist of a nutrient-rich shake or several multi-vitamins. He has guaranteed satisfaction, so whatever it is he eventually provides for the well-being of her body must come with a solid warranty or return policy.

R. Kelly seems to feel that his sound system will be the convincing factor in whether or not the ride actually takes place, although he also seems to be confused as to where the sound actually emanates from as he instructs her to pull up to his bumper. Perhaps his vehicle’s exhaust is also impressive, although if he is in the Jeep, they are not typically known for their exhausts so I hope he explained that to her because otherwise she might be disappointed. He has implied an offer to give her a ride home, although all he says is “drop you off” so he may just be talking about the nearest bus stop.

Don’t be alone, don’t be alone
I’m comin’ through your door
Turn off the lights, turn off the lights, baby
It’s something about this moment
[rpt 1, 1, 1...]

Mercifully, the song culminates with R. Kelly imploring the female not to be alone, so I’m guessing she decided not to go on the ride with him because she was unimpressed by his sound system/exhaust. Undaunted by this setback, R. Kelly takes it upon himself to enter her place of residence under the cover of darkness created once the lights are turned off (unless it is daytime). It seems as though R. Kelly is breaking and entering, and although he can’t quite put his finger on it, when he says “it’s something about this moment”, I’m pretty sure that something is “illegal”.

This song needs no introduction as the Prince classic “Raspberry Beret” is known to most young or old. I would link you to the video to this song on YouTube, but a copyright claim by “Prince/NPG” (New Power Generation? Is that the alternative fuel mutual fund I’ve been reading about?) has prevented that. Anyway, let’s take a look and explore the intricacies of this timeless classic devoted to reddish French headwear.

I was working part time in a five-and-dime
My boss was Mr. McGee.
He told me several times that he didn’t like my kind
cause I was a bit too leisurely.

Our protagonist, let’s call him “Prince” because that’s his name, sets up the song by talking about his work at a discount retailer where he was employed by someone likely of Irish decent named Mr. McGee. When not drunk off of whiskey and chasing leprechauns, Mr. McGee made it clear to Prince that he did not “like his kind”, a statement at first seemingly tinged with racism, however we then find out that it was because he perceived Prince to be lackadaisical.

Seems that I was busy doing something close 2 nothing
But different than the day before
Thats when I saw her, ooh, I saw her
She walked in through the out door, out door

Perhaps Mr. McGee, though Irish and curmudgeonly, was not incorrect in his assessment that Prince was not serious about his job as Prince himself admits that he was not being particularly productive in this interlude. His attention is quickly diverted by a female who is probably illiterate given that she walked into a door that is more than likely to have been marked “Do not enter” because it was actually the “Out” door.

She wore a Raspberry beret
The kind you find in a second hand store
Raspberry beret
And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more
Raspberry beret
I think I love her

At this point, Prince highlights the main point of this song, which is the raspberry beret worn by the illiterate female. Perhaps the beret was not of high quality as Prince infers that one might find similar berets at a secondhand store like Goodwill or Mervyn’s. Even when the weather is warm, Prince seems to think that this female would still wear the beret but perhaps not much more although these may just be indicative of his own fantasies. Prince also apparently believes in love at first sight because although he has yet to even speak with her, he feels that he might be in love.

Built like she was
She had the nerve to ask me
If I planned to do her any harm
So, look here
I put her on the back of my bike
And-a we went riding
Down by old man Johnson’s farm

This particular female must be extremely petite if not an actual dwarf as she was somehow intimidated by Prince’s stature, asking if he planned to harm her. Should she be green, she may want to steer clear of Mr. McGee. Any intimidation likely had more to do with his outfit at the time which resembled an urban pirate rather than his physical prowess. In true pirate fashion, Prince somehow whisked her away on the back of his motorcycle and went riding down by the farm of an older individual with the surname Johnson who probably would have argued the merits of British rule with the Irishman Mr. McGee if they ever met. They would have got drunk, had a fistfight, then sang songs and become friends.

I said now, overcast days never turned me on
But something about the clouds and her mixed
She wasnt too bright
But I could tell when she kissed me
She knew how to get her kicks

Prince tells us that he doesn’t much care for clouds and rain, however something about this female and the weather was attractive to him. At this point I would like to point out that it probably wasn’t warm, which makes me wonder how he was so sure she wouldn’t wear much more than the beret if it were actually warm as he has yet to see her in warm weather. Moving on, Prince was apparently unimpressed by her intelligence, noting that much like the weather, she wasn’t too bright. This should come as no surprise if she agreed to an impromptu motorcycle jaunt with a short urban pirate. Her lack of intelligence was no deal killer however because her kissing ability was impressive although it is unclear if Prince received as much satisfaction from it as she did.

She wore a Raspberry beret
The kind you find in a second hand store
Raspberry beret
And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more
Raspberry beret
I think I love her

Prince once again highlights her characteristic beret and for some reason chooses to reinforce his conviction that she will wear it even on warm days. He still thinks he might be in love, although we now know that it is an attraction based mostly on her attire as other redeeming qualities of hers besides perhaps kissing have yet to be revealed.

The rain sounds so cool when it hits the barn roof
And the horses wonder who u are
Thunder drowns out what the lightning sees
U feel like a movie star

It is surprising that someone who has written so many hit songs like Prince could be intrigued by the sound of rain hitting a barn roof, but nonetheless, he likes it even though previously he stated he does not care for cloudy weather. Nearby horses do not deter Prince from his romantic intentions with the unintelligent, illiterate, thrifty, excessively short beret-wearing lady, and this somehow makes him feel like a movie star, perhaps like the guy who played the lead in “Willow”.

Listen
They say the first time ain’t the greatest
But I tell ya
If I had the chance to do it all again
I wouldn’t change a stroke
Cause baby I’m the most
With a girl as fine as she was then

In this passage Prince confirms that he was satisfied with the experience that transpired in the barn in front of on-looking horses, and there may be a double entendre in that which he says he wouldn’t change. The rest of the song goes into repetition of the chorus, extolling the virtues of the easy, unintelligent, illiterate, thrifty, excessively short beret-wearing lady. Sadly, we never again hear of Mr. McGee, and I’m sure some of the Irishman’s ire was a result of never being invited on a bike ride down to old man Johnson’s farm. Understandable…

I’m not much a Jimmy Buffet fan, but there are a couple reasons why I respect him. Number one, he has actually written a song about cheeseburgers and how much he loves them, lamenting a diet that forbids their consumption . Having written about fast food myself, I can understand the power it commands over people. Number two, he has ventured into the land of Celebrity-owned restaurants, which we know thanks to Kenny Rogers’ Roasters, is not for the faint of heart. Although the tropical-themed “Margaritaville” is a suitable name for a dining establishment in his honor, I would like to see him take it a step further and start “Jimmy Buffet’s Bucket Buffet” which would be an all-you-can eat restaurant where you don’t put your food on a tray, you put it in a bucket.

Compared to Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffet’s lyrics are deep and sophisticated, so I thought I would breakdown the cryptic, insightful “Margaritaville” in case you are wondering what he really is trying to pour out of that margarita pitcher in his soul.

Nibblin’ on sponge cake,
watchin’ the sun bake;
All of those tourists covered with oil.
Strummin’ my six string on my front porch swing.
Smell those shrimp
They’re beginnin’ to boil.

The artist lives in a warm tourist destination eating sponge cake while observing sunbathers disregard the the repeated warnings of dermatologists and lather themselves in tanning oil. He apparently cares not for their welfare because rather than warn them about the dangers of skin cancer, he continues to play his six string guitar on his front porch swing. Though indifferent to the tourists’ future health problems, the artist is able to effectively multi-task because he is apparently preparing a meal at the same time which involves boiled crustaceans.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
But I know it’s nobody’s fault.

Though we have thus far not been informed of any alcohol consumption, the artist has apparently fallen victim to the intoxicating mixture of tequila, triple sec, and sweet and sour mix known as a Margarita. Margaritaville is a fictional city the artist is transported to upon consuming several margaritas, and it seems that this city exists solely in his mind. A common side effect of alcohol consumption, memory loss, has set in as a shaker of salt he likely needs to season his boiling shrimp is nowhere to be found. His peers seem inclined to blame a female, for the fickle natured woman frequently drives men to quell their pain with drinking, however the artist cautions against jumping to premature conclusions, instead assessing the situation as one where no one is at fault.

Don’t know the reason,
Stayed here all season
With nothing to show but this brand new tattoo.
But it’s a real beauty,
A Mexican cutie, how it got here
I haven’t a clue.

Likely still in a state of euphoric confusion thanks to the overpowering effects of alcohol on his nervous system, the artist contemplates why he has stayed in the same location for at least one season of the year. The alcohol’s effects on his memory seems to have continued as he now finds himself with a tattoo which he has no recollection of getting. At this point, the artist reveals that although he does not recall actually getting the tattoo, it is of rather high quality and is likely a portrait of an attractive Mexican female. It is important to realize that alcohol has the ability to impair one’s judgment, particularly regarding members of the opposite sex, so although he describes his tattoo as a “beauty”, it may be just “ok”.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville,
Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
Now I think, – hell it could be my fault.

Again the artists repeats the fact that he is quite intoxicated on Margaritas, and has unfortunately yet to find his salt shaker. Peers, “haters” in today’s common speak, still maintain that a women has driven him to such excessive drinking, but perhaps in alcohol induced psychosis, the artists ponders whether or not he is now to blame for the situation, a departure from earlier assessments that held no one at fault.

 I blew out my flip flop,
Stepped on a pop top,
Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.
But there’s booze in the blender,
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on.

At some point, the artist left his front porch, possibly to warn the tourists about the dangers of UV rays, however while in transit, his footgear was rendered useless and he stepped on an aluminum can. With a sliced heel, he had no choice but to head back home to dress his wound. Perhaps hastening his return was the thought that more Margaritas were available in the blender which has hopefully been left in the freezer rather than out on a counter where it would melt in such warm conditions. He plans on drinking more of them because it helps him deal with difficult situations, one of the tell-take signs of addiction.

Wasted away again in Margaritaville
Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame,
But I know, it’s my own damn fault.
Yes, and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
And I know it’s my own damn fault.

As the song commences, we see the artist still reiterating the fact that he is intoxicated and inhabiting the fictional town of Margaritaville. No progress was ever made on his shaker of salt, and it’s whereabouts will forever remain a mystery. He once again indicates that his peers feel that a woman is at the root of his problems, but he does seem to achieve some clarity on the cause of his intoxication, which he now squarely attributes to himself.

I know it’s a little cliche, but I’m doing this one anyway.

Yo, VIP, let’s kick it

Although “VIP” is generally an acronym for “Very Important Person”, in this instance, it refers to the “Vanilla Ice Posse” whom our singer Vanilla Ice is summoning so that the song can begin.

Ice, Ice, baby, Ice Ice baby
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

The song opens with the repeating of the song title, no doubt to establish strong brand recognition for both the track and the artist whose name is closely related to the title of the song (perhaps an entry in Etymology Rocks could explain this in more detail). Next, instructions are given for listeners to stop what they are doing, collaborate with one another, and pay attention to the song. No information is given on what listeners should collaborate about, so it seems as though the word “gather” would have been more appropriate here.

Vanilla Ice goes on to state that he is not new to the scene, however the song is brand new, even referring to it as an “invention”, although he seems not to be remembered as the Ben Franklin of song writing. He states that he is possessed by “something”, and this undefinable entity results in his smooth musical flow, much like a harpoon gliding through water, and this flow is unaffected by the time of day it happens to be. He then asks rhetorically if this flowing will ever stop, but quickly answers his own question by stating that he doesn’t know. Clearly, if he had been able to see ahead, the answer would have been “Yes”. Vanilla then claims to glow in the dark, and it is safe to assume that this is due to his skin tone, however, from the artist’s perspective, it is an illustration of the electric energy he exhibits. Next, he touches briefly on his extreme ability to sing into a microphone, and his easy dispensing of “chumps” before moving on.

Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull’s eye the kid don’t play
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

He states that his music is the kind which people will risk permanent ear damage for because it is so good, individuals want to be as close to the speaker playing it as possible. Then, he compares the strength of his abilities on stage to those of a poisonous mushroom, which leads to his assertion that his skills are almost deadly when he plies his craft. In this verse we are also made aware that Vanilla Ice is committed to excellence by indicating that anything but the best is a serious crime. It is unclear if he has actually attended Six Sigma quality control training or not. The line about gaining weight follows the trend of nonsense filler phrases in this song, and reference to the bull’s eye seems to again reflect the commitment to excellence, and that he indeed is serious and not playing around. The statement that he can solve problems seems limited to those that may occur on-stage as he has done nothing to ease the strife in Darfur, or resolve the ongoing conflict in the Middle East. The verse ends with the instruction to listen to the song’s hook as played by his DJ.

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin’
Quick to the point to the point no faking
I’m cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain’t quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo

At this juncture, Vanilla is satisfied that the mood is festive enough, with the bass at appropriate levels, and the “vegas pumping” (no f@#%ing clue). Ironically, he states that he reaches the main point of his discussion quickly without faking because the actual point of this discourse never reveals itself. He metaphorically refers to his superiority over other performers as those of a chef with the insulting reference that he could cook them as though they were pork products. He is careful to note, however, that cooking requires close attention lest your meal be burnt and inedible before letting us know that the sound of a cymbol heightens his performance abilities, as do great tempos. Saying that he is now going solo is puzzling as he has been the only singer up to this point.

Rollin’ in my 5.0
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just drove by

Now Vanilla is describing a situation in which he drives his convertible Ford Mustang 5.0, enjoying the freedom he feels from his hair blowing in the wind. He plays it cool (as “Ice”) in the face of blatant attention from females.

Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block
The block was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue

Unphased by the females vying for his affection, Vanilla keeps driving, taking a left turn at some point because it seemed like a good idea, however, it proved to be an unwise decision so he headed to A1A Beachfront Avenue, a popular Florida State road frequented by cruisers in Miami Beach.

Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous ’cause I’m out getting mine
Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine

Famous for it’s beautiful constituents, Vanilla refers to the lack of clothing on the representative Miami females while others vie for their attention with expensive automobiles. Apparently, those driving Lamborghinis are no match for the prowess of Vanilla and his American muscle car. Because of the often volatile scene in Miami thanks to the prevalence of the “Latin temper”, an individual named “Shay” is armed with a shotgun, and Vanilla is armed with a nine millimeter handgun.

Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they’re so full of eight balls
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells

Keeping alert, Vanilla keeps his wits about him by closely monitoring the body language of those lining the street. These “chumps” are particularly dangerous thanks to their use of cocaine, and it proves a wise move to look after them as quickly a shootout occurred, causing Vanilla to grab his firearm as the sounds of ammunition shells falling added to the pandemonium ensuing.

Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue’s packed
I’m trying to get away before the jackers jack

Poorly describing the scene, Vanilla indicates that he took cover and returned to his vehicle, though there was never mention of him exiting the vehicle in the first place. His escape is complicated by the dense traffic, and he is anxious to flee before the criminal element can find him and possibly deprive him of his car, nine millimeter handgun, or find easy insults to wield upon learning that he is accompanied by a man named “Shay”.

Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Thankfully, Police arrive on the scene and pass up Vanilla to focus on those with illegal contraband. Again, Vanilla talks about his problem solving abilities, which may refer to his mathematical skills because he still gives no indication of how he has or would solve a problematic situation. Then he once again refers to the hook of the song as revolved by his DJ on turntables.

REPEAT CHORUS

Take heed ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My town that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground

In another round of inaccuracies, Vanilla fancies himself quite talented poetically before asserting that Miami should be taken seriously because it created the bass sound strong enough to result in fissures. No references are cited to substantiate this claim, and the notion of bass sounds causing craters in the urban landscape of Miami, if it occurred at all, was widely ignored by the mainstream media.

Cause my style’s like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this

Vanilla has yet to run out of ways to describe his singing style, but yet to find a good one. He seems in awe of his ability to form sentences that rhyme, which means that he would likely find the subject matter in any kindergarten class overwhelming.

Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
If my rhyme was a drug I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it

Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold (x2)
Ice ice baby

Ok, seriously, I am so tired of actually reading the lyrics to this song. I know it was never intended to be taken seriously, but when you read what is being said, you find it insane that someone went to the trouble to write this down on paper. Perhaps the only thing more ridiculous is that I spent time writing about them, and they make me angry the way civil war re-enactments do. in summary, before Vanilla Ice was trashing sets on the Surreal Life, he was busy coming up with the type of songs that Menudo passed on. Word to your mother.