Be careful. I heard David say that thing about Michael J. Fox in #3 last night.

1.) I.B. (inconsiderate behavior) in the 4th Degree: The least severe offense reserved for incidental douchery such as headphones I can hear across the subway car, cell phone use that slows down your walking to the point I can’t get around you on a damn staircase, and tourists saying stuff like “If you love plays you need to go see Jersey Boys…it’s SOOOO good”.

2.) I.B. in the 3rd Degree: Anything done by the owner of, or while using, an Apple product. Such offenses will result in the officer immediately taking your Pad or Pod out of your hands, throwing it on the ground, and stomping on it with their foot. (NOTE: A video podcast will be available to the offender immediately following the arrest for download on iTunes)

3.) I.B. in the 2nd Degree: Reserved for acts of premeditated douchery that exhibit disdain for and/or nonchalance pertaining to the rules of civil society such as throwing your trash on the subway car floor, spitting onto the sidewalk, talking loud on cell phones in a quiet setting, texting during a movie, letting your little dog run around with no leash, owning a pitbull, using the N-word when you are not Black, wearing a Kangol hat, saying things like “OMG, I LOOOOOVE those old shows from the 90′s, like that one with Michael J. Fox…what was it called…OH, FAMILY TIES!!!”, being Russian, and partaking in any activity that requires your friend-group to self-consciously have one person of every ethnicity. (NOTE: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing with your own kind.)

4.) I.B. in the 1st Degree: Reserved for acts of douchery that engender the kind of rage to do bodily harm to the offender such as….a mother cursing at their baby (seriously, that makes me want to go all Law & Order SVU on their ass and steal their child), drivers who are going 30 MPH faster than everyone else while weaving through traffic (one extra count of I.B. in the 4th degree will be added for every time-zone between America and where your car was manufactured), teenagers, people who are holier than thou (members of the U.S. Armed Forces are exempted), the studio audience of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the person in front of me in any line that is moving slow, women who say they “don’t understand” why that woman from Las Vegas was sexting with Anthony Weiner, and of course…Michelle Bachmann.

Thoughts?