I would like to paint for you a picture of another dimension, a dimension where spending money frivolously is a competition, and due to a lack of purpose, individuals fashion their pets in their own likeness. In this dimension, the universe is not an infinite interwoven set of galaxies, it is rather an infinite interwoven set of Burberry scarves in which live people sustained by the fibers thereof in a manner we might equate to our own sun. Also in this skewed, soul-less dimension, societies spend $300 Million on dog clothing.

You might think this other dimension is the only place where so much could be spent on something so completely useless, however, according to a recent article in the New York Post, Americans spent approximately $300 million on dog clothing in 2009 (click here to read the article). So, needless to say, I thought that this deserved some attention, and by attention, I mean ridicule. Buying outfits for a dog is just like using that little exclamation point in Microsoft Outlook when you want your email to have “high priority.” Sure, you can do it, but all it does is make people want to smack you.

Many countries can’t even adequately clothe their populations and yet by spending $300 million annually on it, Americans are in effect saying “ha ha, in our country we are so affluent we buy clothes for things you might accept as food at a level that exceeds your GDP.”  If you purchase clothing for your dog, I suppose you probably think it’s cute. It’s not cute. To other dog clothing owners it might seem acceptable, but to well adjusted members of society, it is the source of competing laughter and ire. Now that someone has put a monetary value on the industry in the US, and that said monetary value is absurd, it is along the lines of a national shame just like NASCAR.

If you are a single heterosexual male (none of these apply to you, Eric Massa) you are likely familiar with a puppy’s value to you in your quest to meet women. However, putting any sort of clothing on that puppy is what you call a neutralizer of that effect and in fact there is an inverse relationship between the amount of clothing on your dog and the amount of clothing most women will subsequently remove for you. Ladies, the fact is guys will still sleep with you regardless of how much clothing is on your dog, so while sexual repercussions do not apply to you, you are mostly to blame for this and you still need to knock it off.

I dog-ress, but Attention Poor Discretionary Income Spending Americans: Dogs already have coats, they’re descriptively called “coats” and they consist of fur. Unlike humans or Heidi Montag, God created dogs with pretty much everything they were intended to have unless you’re doing something crazy like raising Whippets in Siberia which is really mean cause no dog should have to live in a country where they might at one point have to fly Aeroflot. Your dog doesn’t need a raincoat, shoes, sweater vest, visor, or Snuggie, because animals don’t wear clothes, they frequently become them. Sweater vests, visors, and Snuggies shouldn’t even really go on people. The NY Post article referenced above even cites veterinarians who contend that clothing your dog might endanger its health, mostly because normal dogs who are not wearing clothing will just want to kick its ass. If your dog needs clothing, there is something it likely needs even more than that which is a new owner who isn’t intent on being a jackass.

In closing, here’s a few things your dog might be thinking when you dress it up. I invite you to add to this list:

“Sure you cut my balls off, but this really takes the cake”
“I guess dogs can look gay too”
“Just cause you get cold in this weather doesn’t mean that I am also a pussy”