Ok, this little blog of mine isn’t about anything serious, and this post is no exception in case you’re wondering. If you got here through a search engine or something, think twice before you leave a serious comment because it is sad when people leave those on postings that are constructed completely for entertainment. I know politics is touchy, but with election season in full swing, you may be asking yourself where the various candidates stand on some of the issues, so I have taken the liberty of inventing and explaining their positions below. The candidates have real opinions on all these issues, but I have made up new ones because it’s more fun…

The issue: Removing “Under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance.

Clinton: Possibly supports it, but she would form a committee first to determine whether or not this is offensive to God and would invite Him/Her to participate in a fact-finding mission on the topic which is kind of redundant since God is all seeing and all knowing in the first place and will probably just spoil it by telling them the results before they can fact-find on their own.

Obama: Hasn’t said the pledge of allegiance in years, but likes the fact that “Under God” is pretty similar to “Underdog”, his favorite cartoon after Spongebob depending on how baked he is.

McCain: Each state should say the pledge the way they want to and if socialist hippy draft-dodgers who didn’t go to ‘Nam don’t want to say it, then they shouldn’t, but they should also worry about their salvation.

The issue: Renewable energy

Clinton: Supports it as it will be crucial once her universal health care plan becomes reality because you are going to live 20 years longer in the house she will save for you by fixing the sub-prime mortgage crisis.

Obama: Thinks it’s pretty cool, and will do his part by riding a motorcycle instead of the usual presidential convoy every time shit gets out of hand and he has to go back to settle things at the Harvard Business Review.

McCain: Although recent research has suggested that Ethanol consumes more energy than it produces, anyone anti-corn is un-American and communist, so start digging it or move to Cuba.

The issue: Homeland Security

Clinton: Will pull U.S. troops out of Iraq immediately cause things are pretty much cool there now, and allocate our armed forces to the task of giving every terrorist a puppy and sitting down with them to do some Mad Libs because they just need to feel loved.

Obama: Thinks that “Homeland Security” is an awesome name for either a security company or a punk band. He plans on starting the department of “Vacationland Security” whereby U.S. Forces will invade desirable locations not currently under our control and make them totally vacationable by building some P.F. Chang’s there.

McCain: Will personally fly combat missions to take out the enemy wherever he lurks, as long as he’s home by 22:00. “The enemy” is an entity loosely defined which means you may want to leave Portland if he wins.

The Issue: Capital Punishment 

Clinton: Each capital punishment case will go before the UN security council so that France and Germany can have a say in it and we should be nicer to them anyway cause no one speaks their languages now and they’re sensitive about it. F-China though cause they’re not doing enough to get her pumped on the Olympics.

Obama: It doesn’t seem logical to him, but fine, he’ll make sure that it’s only ever written as “PUNISHMENT” if that’s really what the people want.

McCain: Hell f-ing yeah. Added to the list of capital offenses will be dissent, men having long hair, patronage of rap music/”urban” culture, being named Jane Fonda, adding hot sauce to things it doesn’t belong on like pizza, failure to carry a picture of him in a locket around your neck, playing hackey-sack, and mockery of his “straight talk express” through phrases like the “gay talk express”.