Foreign Policy Magazine has released its annual index of failed states (I’m not talking about Texas: click here to see the full list), and knowing that many of you are globe-trotting sophisticates, I figured I’d share it, you know, just in case. This year’s index includes some past favorites like the Dem. Republic of Congo, Chad, Sudan, and Iran. Side note: if I’m ever elected president, I’ll agree to let Iran have nuclear weapons as long as they adopt “I ran” as their national anthem. There’s also some sleepers like the Philippines and Egypt on there too though…way to fly below the radar, guys.

Moving on down, and therefore out of the 60 worst states this year were China and Russia which leaves North Korea as the sole contender in the “best military parades” category. Not that either one has given North Korea a serious run for their money recently, I mean NoKo (kind of like SoCo, but more nuclear and less frat boy) does it right, and what do we have, the Rose Parade? No wonder they aren’t afraid of us, parades say a lot about a country.

The top place holder and back-to-back champion is Sudan who has coincidentally had the same president for the last 18 years. I doubt that Sudanese president Omar Hassan al-Bashir (sounds like “Al B. Sure” to me) could manage the day shift at Wienerschnitzel, let alone a sub-Saharan country trying to emerge from anarchy and famine, but maybe he just needs to apply himself. I hear he’s a big Dave Matthews fan too. If I were their president, I’d start a cable tv station consisting only of animated features and name it the “Khartoum Network” because even warlords could appreciate a good pun involving the nation’s capital.

Also featured is the southeastern European nation of Moldova that most of you likely have never heard of, and this would probably hurt President Vladimir Voronin’s feelings more than the fact that his presidential caravan consists of a horse-drawn cart, and two ’86 Fiat Unos. It’s probably not that bad of a place- just a little disorganized and repressive of the media, but their currency looks like it would make a great beer (Moldovale?) label, so they’re alright.

Overall, the underlying theme amongst the nations on the list has less to do with religious intolerance, geography, and dictatorship than it does with the unfortunate circumstance that none of them have a Jack In The Box, decent Mexican food, or access to “Shark Week” on Discovery Channel.