As many of you are now aware, yesterday during commentary on the unfortunate earthquake in Haiti, the unintentional comedian and spiritual charlatan Pat Robertson asserted that Haitians had made a pact with Satan to rid the island of the French during the 1800’s and that this natural disaster was a divine evening of the score for that. I’m not sure which Robertson is worst at: seismology, history, or not crapping his pants, but my guess is that it is history. I think God keeps Pat Robertson around for the material.

It’s unclear where Robertson got the idea that Haitians made a deal with Satan to rid themselves of the French in the first place. I found no evidence of this in my research, although I do see evidence of the devil taking a trip to Georgia (poor guy) as recorded by one Charlie Daniels. I’m pretty sure Satan would not have helped Haitians overthrow the French anyway as I hear he kind of likes France because of the shorter work week and their love of ubiquitous nudity in things like commercials for ice cream. Further, Satan probably could not have played a role in the slave revolt of 1804 which is what actually led to Haiti’s independence as at the time he was busy writing texts that would ultimately become lyrics for Jason Mraz songs and was not looking for side gigs regardless of what it may have said on his LinkedIn profile. This is according to an official statement that was relayed to me via his intermediary, Gloria Allred.

Because of Mr. Robertson’s lack of insight, knowledge, or informed followers, it is unsurprising that he has not been named as a possible replacement for the 12:05 AM time slot at NBC. I think the Devil made a deal with Jay Leno, agreeing to supply him with steady employment and cars if he would just stop doing Clinton jokes. Just in case Pat is taking some time off from making shit up to read this, it was actually the Enriquillo-Plantain Garden Fault System that caused the unfortunate quake in Haiti. A quake of similar magnitude struck there in the late 1800’s and the region is known to be seismically active because, well, it’s got a fault line that runs through it. Pretty sure the fault line was there before Haiti’s independence in 1804, Pat, so leave us now as you need to be changed, in more ways than one.