Aries
Mar 21-Apr 20

You are indeed known for your stylish ways, but do us a favor and just start wearing a shirt that says “I only wear ironic t-shirts from Urban Outfitters these days”.

Taurus
Apr 21-May 20

There may be “more than one way to skin a cat”, but stop sending me text messages every time you find a new way.

Gemini
May 21-Jun 20

You will explore your creative side this week to its fullest potential by walking into a tattoo shop and getting the Chinese symbol for “strength” tattooed on your shoulder. No one else has that one, so you’re good to go.

Cancer
Jun 2-Jul 21

I see that love is in the air for your sign this week. Also in the air is avian flu, air pollution, and pollen, so don’t get your hopes up.

Leo
Jul 22-Aug 21

Apparently, you are quite a fan of IM abbreviations, so I’ve got a new one for you: IYTLOLOMTIWFKY (If You Type “LOL” One More Time, I Will F&*%ing Kill You)

Virgo
Aug 22-Sept 21

Because of your innate sensitivity, you will find yourself in tears when you see the David Beckham Adidas commercial featuring the “Impossible is Nothing” tagline. Unfortunately for you, impossible is not only something, it is everything.

Libra
Sep 22-Oct 22

Your charitable inclinations surface this week when you decided to volunteer to read to wounded veterans in the hospital. Admirable though it may be, I would have picked a different book than Hemingway’s”A Farewell to Arms”.

Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21

You are known for your periodic fits of rage, so keep that in mind this week as the monthly meeting of your “Nickels of the 70′s” coin collecting club draws near. We don’t need another incident like last time.

Sagitarius
Nov 22-Dec 20

Taking a page from VH1′s “Rock of Love”, you decided to tattoo the name “Bret” on the back of your neck to flatter the current object of your affections. Unfortunately, Bret Musburger will not be picking you as his love interest either.

Capricorn
Dec 21-Jan 19

I understand that you are in favor of medical marijuana, but your “War on War on Drugs” campaign featuring you and your buddies as the “Joint” Chiefs of Staff is an ill-fated endeavor to achieve your political objectives.

Aquarius
Jan 20-Feb 18

You are not a seer like me, so you never saw the current crisis in the U.S mortgage market coming. I did, but every time I brought up the concept of overexposed risk and the volatile nature of the subprime market, you countered with some leveraged loan theory that made no sense. And no, you cannot crash on my couch.

Pisces
Feb 19-March 20

You will finally learn how to do “Vlookups” in Excel this week which totally takes you to the next level of spreadsheet functionality and boosts your administrative/data entry skill sets exponentially. Boo-yah!!!