Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez (pictured here playing Venezuelan peek-a-boo with the press) has been a frequent headliner due to his outspoken distaste for American foreign policy, his courting of rogue nations as allies, and more egregiously, his banning of shows like Family Guy and The Simpsons from Venezuelan TV. With all that in mind, I think Hugo should just chill out and have brunch with me. He’d probably have a few too many strawberry bellinis (I’ll be drinking mimosas like a real man) and get riled up about the evils of American hegemony in South America. This will be the most education I’ve dealt with while eating an egg sandwich and country potatoes. I’d let him go on without interruption for as long as he’d like though, and if his recent speeches to the U.N. are an indication, I could be in for a 60 minute diatribe. Still, I wouldn’t interrupt him because I’m saving that for my brunch with Kanye.

Chavez and I do have some things in common which I will use to keep the conversation going:

1. By creating alliances with rogue regimes, Hugo Chavez is looking to create a new order in the world. By legally downloading and digging through old CDs, I’m looking to create a New Order playlist on my iTunes.
2. Hugo Chavez disregards U.N. security council resolutions banning Iran from exporting nuclear material by announcing cooperation deals with them. I typically disregard security guard warnings not to be in hotel swimming pools after they close at 10 PM.

I don’t see how we possibly couldn’t get along and work out the differences between our two countries given our clear similarities.

I’d also really like to know more about his recent purchase of military equipment from Russia and more importantly, whether or not I will get to ride on any of it after brunch. Again, probably depends a lot on how many bellinis he has. Recently, Mr. Chavez purchased tanks, anti-aircraft systems and most likely submarines from Russia because his country’s birds and fish need to remember who’s boss. That’s right, you better recognize, Venezuelan fauna. Or, more likely it is to prevent an attack from his favorite imperialist country that isn’t planning to attack him. And no, I’m not talking about Andorra. I would really like to put Mr. Chavez’s mind at ease during brunch so that he doesn’t feel pressured to buy all that military equipment and can spend it on something better like sweaters from Zara just in time for fall, or perhaps his country’s infrastructure and education systems.

So, Hugo, if you’re out there reading this, let’s get brunch and find a way to mend some fences so you don’t have to go courting the U.N.’s version of Tool Academy as allies. In your speech to the UN last week you said that you now smelled hope behind the pulpit at the U.N. assembly in reference to Barack Obama. I must warn you that after brunch with me, you might smell something else, particularly if I go for the chorizo & huevos, but I hope there will be a whiff of hope there as well. I digress.

I’ll even pick up the tab although I’ll likely find a way to write it off  because governments should pay for everything anyway, right? Ahh forget it, capitalism has afforded me the luxury of being able to buy brunch for other people every now and then, and I am happy to do so for us on my Imperialst Express card (please let me pay, I get double the miles for every dollar spent on socialists). See you there.