“Ice Ice Baby”- Song Dissected

I know it’s a little cliche, but I’m doing this one anyway.

Yo, VIP, let’s kick it

Although “VIP” is generally an acronym for “Very Important Person”, in this instance, it refers to the “Vanilla Ice Posse” whom our singer Vanilla Ice is summoning so that the song can begin.

Ice, Ice, baby, Ice Ice baby
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

The song opens with the repeating of the song title, no doubt to establish strong brand recognition for both the track and the artist whose name is closely related to the title of the song (perhaps an entry in Etymology Rocks could explain this in more detail). Next, instructions are given for listeners to stop what they are doing, collaborate with one another, and pay attention to the song. No information is given on what listeners should collaborate about, so it seems as though the word “gather” would have been more appropriate here.

Vanilla Ice goes on to state that he is not new to the scene, however the song is brand new, even referring to it as an “invention”, although he seems not to be remembered as the Ben Franklin of song writing. He states that he is possessed by “something”, and this undefinable entity results in his smooth musical flow, much like a harpoon gliding through water, and this flow is unaffected by the time of day it happens to be. He then asks rhetorically if this flowing will ever stop, but quickly answers his own question by stating that he doesn’t know. Clearly, if he had been able to see ahead, the answer would have been “Yes”. Vanilla then claims to glow in the dark, and it is safe to assume that this is due to his skin tone, however, from the artist’s perspective, it is an illustration of the electric energy he exhibits. Next, he touches briefly on his extreme ability to sing into a microphone, and his easy dispensing of “chumps” before moving on.

Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull’s eye the kid don’t play
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

He states that his music is the kind which people will risk permanent ear damage for because it is so good, individuals want to be as close to the speaker playing it as possible. Then, he compares the strength of his abilities on stage to those of a poisonous mushroom, which leads to his assertion that his skills are almost deadly when he plies his craft. In this verse we are also made aware that Vanilla Ice is committed to excellence by indicating that anything but the best is a serious crime. It is unclear if he has actually attended Six Sigma quality control training or not. The line about gaining weight follows the trend of nonsense filler phrases in this song, and reference to the bull’s eye seems to again reflect the commitment to excellence, and that he indeed is serious and not playing around. The statement that he can solve problems seems limited to those that may occur on-stage as he has done nothing to ease the strife in Darfur, or resolve the ongoing conflict in the Middle East. The verse ends with the instruction to listen to the song’s hook as played by his DJ.

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin’
Quick to the point to the point no faking
I’m cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain’t quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo

At this juncture, Vanilla is satisfied that the mood is festive enough, with the bass at appropriate levels, and the “vegas pumping” (no f@#%ing clue). Ironically, he states that he reaches the main point of his discussion quickly without faking because the actual point of this discourse never reveals itself. He metaphorically refers to his superiority over other performers as those of a chef with the insulting reference that he could cook them as though they were pork products. He is careful to note, however, that cooking requires close attention lest your meal be burnt and inedible before letting us know that the sound of a cymbol heightens his performance abilities, as do great tempos. Saying that he is now going solo is puzzling as he has been the only singer up to this point.

Rollin’ in my 5.0
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just drove by

Now Vanilla is describing a situation in which he drives his convertible Ford Mustang 5.0, enjoying the freedom he feels from his hair blowing in the wind. He plays it cool (as “Ice”) in the face of blatant attention from females.

Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block
The block was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue

Unphased by the females vying for his affection, Vanilla keeps driving, taking a left turn at some point because it seemed like a good idea, however, it proved to be an unwise decision so he headed to A1A Beachfront Avenue, a popular Florida State road frequented by cruisers in Miami Beach.

Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous ’cause I’m out getting mine
Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine

Famous for it’s beautiful constituents, Vanilla refers to the lack of clothing on the representative Miami females while others vie for their attention with expensive automobiles. Apparently, those driving Lamborghinis are no match for the prowess of Vanilla and his American muscle car. Because of the often volatile scene in Miami thanks to the prevalence of the “Latin temper”, an individual named “Shay” is armed with a shotgun, and Vanilla is armed with a nine millimeter handgun.

Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they’re so full of eight balls
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells

Keeping alert, Vanilla keeps his wits about him by closely monitoring the body language of those lining the street. These “chumps” are particularly dangerous thanks to their use of cocaine, and it proves a wise move to look after them as quickly a shootout occurred, causing Vanilla to grab his firearm as the sounds of ammunition shells falling added to the pandemonium ensuing.

Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue’s packed
I’m trying to get away before the jackers jack

Poorly describing the scene, Vanilla indicates that he took cover and returned to his vehicle, though there was never mention of him exiting the vehicle in the first place. His escape is complicated by the dense traffic, and he is anxious to flee before the criminal element can find him and possibly deprive him of his car, nine millimeter handgun, or find easy insults to wield upon learning that he is accompanied by a man named “Shay”.

Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Thankfully, Police arrive on the scene and pass up Vanilla to focus on those with illegal contraband. Again, Vanilla talks about his problem solving abilities, which may refer to his mathematical skills because he still gives no indication of how he has or would solve a problematic situation. Then he once again refers to the hook of the song as revolved by his DJ on turntables.

REPEAT CHORUS

Take heed ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My town that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground

In another round of inaccuracies, Vanilla fancies himself quite talented poetically before asserting that Miami should be taken seriously because it created the bass sound strong enough to result in fissures. No references are cited to substantiate this claim, and the notion of bass sounds causing craters in the urban landscape of Miami, if it occurred at all, was widely ignored by the mainstream media.

Cause my style’s like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this

Vanilla has yet to run out of ways to describe his singing style, but yet to find a good one. He seems in awe of his ability to form sentences that rhyme, which means that he would likely find the subject matter in any kindergarten class overwhelming.

Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
If my rhyme was a drug I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it

Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold (x2)
Ice ice baby

Ok, seriously, I am so tired of actually reading the lyrics to this song. I know it was never intended to be taken seriously, but when you read what is being said, you find it insane that someone went to the trouble to write this down on paper. Perhaps the only thing more ridiculous is that I spent time writing about them, and they make me angry the way civil war re-enactments do. in summary, before Vanilla Ice was trashing sets on the Surreal Life, he was busy coming up with the type of songs that Menudo passed on. Word to your mother.