Dear guy who practices Karate in front of the mirror at the gym,

I wanted to follow up as it has been many months since our paths last crossed. This brings much joy to my heart. The joy is probably not unlike that which you experienced when Sensei Mario gave you your yellow belt with the blue certificate that had the dragon sticker on it. What a nice early 27th-birthday present that was. This means you’re only one rank away from your orange belt which comes with the “I kick it at Carlos’ Karate & Cabinetry Consortium” license plate holder.

Anyway, maybe you’ve started a funny blog of you’re own about bloggers and the devastation you will unleash on them when you learn to do the katas with the sais. I don’t know, but although we haven’t seen each other in a while, I fear that this is merely a ruse and that you have begun to send your minions to do your bidding for you instead.

I say this because this evening I found your protege, the guy who boxes on the treadmill at the gym. Instantly, I discerned that this individual is neither a runner nor a boxer. This is because he threw nothing but left-right combos over and over for minutes on end which will not win you any sort of fight much like your practicing of the reverse roundhouse kick. No jabs, hooks, crosses…he’d be better off sticking to “Boxing Day” which we don’t celebrate in the states because we didn’t break away from the king so that the names of our holidays could continue to make no sense.

I guess I don’t know for sure about the running part, but I like making judgments about people. Also, I saw him holding the handrails at the beginning of the third lap on level 4.5, so I’m “running” with it. Ha ha, get it? I’m funnier than treadmill boxer (likely related to Barbara Boxer) is uncoordinated. Maybe he was just fired up from the 6:30-7:30 “Turbo Boxing Boot Camp” class led by Randy F., but I disagree with his logic that publicly combining two of his mediocre abilities must be a good idea, kind of like that Indian place run by the Greek guy which now also serves pizza. I know he’s trying, but watching him box on the treadmill makes me want to beat him like a student who dares step foot in Sensei Carlos’ dojo without bowing to the bonzai tree on the console table first.

I’ve looked, and I have not found the “boxing while running on the treadmill” routine on any of the major fitness sites, but perhaps if he finds success, the routine will catch on like all those exercises people now do on those inflatable “Swiss” balls for their “core”. Maybe you should have him try boxing on the Swiss ball rather than the treadmill, which, if I’m not mistaken, is part of the test for purple belt? Just like the true origins of the nunchaku, you would know this better than myself, but check with Sensei Carlos, and if he’s too busy reading Chuck Norris’ syndicated column (I’ll try one: troubled waters take bridges over Chuck Norris) ask Sensei Mario after he gets done hanging up that picture of a miscellaneous Japanese character he got at Sam’s Club.