It’s like a Panini, but for rednecks. KFC recently unveiled a new sandwich, the Double Down which consists of two pieces of bacon, two slices of Monterey Jack and Pepperjack cheese, and the Colonel’s sauce (mayonnaise, only deadlier) sandwiched by two pieces of either grilled or fried chicken breast with enough salt (sodium) to give the Dead Sea a hard on. Since this is a post devoted entirely to a fast food sandwich, I would like to balance the nonsense of such an endeavor with some educational information on the wonderful ingredient of sodium without which there would be no Double Down: the English word salary actually stems from the latin salarium which were wafers of salt sometimes given to Roman soldiers along with their wages. Working at KFC today probably yields a similar payment structure.

Moving on, the sandwich definitely satisfies the food pyramid of the American diet, ensuring that daily bacon and special sauce requirements are met while seeing to it that the boundaries of sodium and fat intake recommendations can continue to be tested because those guidelines were undoubtedly created by pussies. Their commercials implore you to “explore the un-hungry side” of KFC, and for me, the un-hungry side starts every time I think of their food. The Double Down represents a desire to continue pushing the envelope of how quickly Americans can eat themselves to death, which has become somewhat of a national pastime close in popularity to the other national pastimes of getting real pissed off about paying taxes of any sort and/or worrying about Satan. Having said that, I would like to see someone take the Double Down to the next level by adding a beef patty and then a Cinnabon to both ends of this sandwich, resulting in a mega-sandwich that Anthony Bourdain will end up trying in an episode of “No Reservations” before working in a reference to Ingmar Bergman somehow.

But anyway, back to the Double Down and the way it shits on all concepts of sensible cuisine, ironic because eating one undoubtedly conflicts with what you might be able to shit on. What we have in the Double Down is the celebrity sex tape of fast food. It’s not so much the revenue or margins that the Double Down will directly account for as it is the overall notoriety it will garner for  KFC via media attention and posts like this one. The item is nothing short of absurd. Fried chicken breasts shouldn’t necessarily be affiliated with sandwiches at all, however, for them to actually be the sandwiching component is like putting the creme filling of an Oreo on either side of the chocolate wafer. Ok, I’d probably still eat it too, but it wouldn’t be right.

I haven’t actually eaten a Double Down because if I’m going to become obese it is going to be on something worthwhile like Stroopwaffels which they don’t serve at KFC yet as you can’t pair them with gravy without incurring the wrath of a dozen angry Dutchmen. And believe you me, no one wants anything to do with a dozen angry Dutchmen. So, I can’t comment on its taste, though I imagine the Double Down probably tastes ok if you are the kind of person who puts ranch on pizza or commits other abominations against food. This satisfactory taste is probably going to be followed by physical discomfort and then regret, and if you’re after that you might as well just watch The Tonight Show.