On this, the fake day someone chose as Jesus’ birthday a while back, we often seek to spread good tidings and greetings to our friends and family. Many people send cards, give presents, and get together with friends during the holiday season to give their best wishes because that’s what Jesus would want on his birthday, in addition to a Wii.

However, I’d like to personally thank all the people who took the amazing extra step this morning by creating a text message that says “Merry Christmas” and “selecting all” in their adress book before hitting the send button on their mobile phone. Nothing lets me know that I mean as much as someone’s vague acquaintances like being grouped into a mass text message that probably includes people whose number they got while drunk and having them write “Merry Christmas”, perhaps with an exclamation point, perhaps not (it constitutes too much effort for some). The joy it brings to my heart rivals that of the $15.00 Red Lobster gift certificate I once received.  Red Lobster is crap, just like a ”Merry Christmas” text message, and quite honestly, I think Jesus would want people to put a little more effort into any greeting rougly associated with him.

They may even be forwarding the same generic message that someone else sent them, thereby reducing the thought involved even further, but still making them feel like they did something nice. Congratulations to those individuals who each cost us $0.10 this morning by sending a text that really says “You’re not worth the effort of a personalized message”. If you’re listening, worthless text senders, should the desire to do this arise next year, it would be preferable if you choose email as your medium of communication so that I can give your message the same time and consideration I give the nice Nigerians who contact me with legitimate business proposals. When King Nbobo’s widow deposits that $30 million she wants to share with me int0 my account, I’ll pay you not to send me a text message unless it has some real meaning. Until then, knock it the F@$k off.

Merry Christmas.