Although we all had some fun with the Nigerian Scam email response template, it is unfortunately not the only type of spam most of us receive. If you’re like me, you get regular solicitations from exotic women in foreign lands only to find out that you aren’t the only one. I compare the disappointment to Inspector Gadget’s failure to ever put a face on Dr. Claw. I find it entertaining to write back to them nonetheless, so here’s an email to my dear friend “S.B.”, preceded by the text of her initial contact.

Privet, my friend

Give me a chance to become your Destiny, believe me that I can change your life, because I am Woman, I am passionate, I can give you love and care and you will forget about loneliness with me.

You may wonder why such confident and pretty woman looks for her soul mate into matchmaking agency?

The answer is very simple, I used to make the first step into relations and I want to do it now toward you.

I noticed something special in your personality and it left me not indifferent.

You are enigma for me and I am going to open your heart and to become a part of it.

If you don’t mind to feel my care and to know my love, find me right here

http://ukrbrrride.info/?idAff=182

Good-bye

S.B.

Dear S.B.,

Well hello there, S.B.! I’d like to thank you for taking the time to write to me, and I shiver to think that I almost didn’t see your message as it somehow ended up with 108 other emails in my Spam folder. I’ll have to re-configure my Microsoft Outlook privacy settings so that this doesn’t happen again, how do I do that, do you know? I’m thinking I can right-click on it and then identify your message as “safe”, however, I am also wondering if it is somehow possible by accessing the “File” menu. Probably wouldn’t happen if I was using a Mac, huh? Yeah, I know…”PC’s are pc’s of shit”. Ha, get it? I just made that up right now while I was contemplating your affections for me. That’s called multi-tasking in my country, but for you multi-tasking probably involves drinking homemade moonshine while affixing more aluminum foil to the rabbit-ear antennas on your 13″ television set.

Anyhow, judging from your email, I gather that you are either not a native English speaker, or a graduate of USC. I noticed that you greeted me with “Privet”, although I’m sure you meant “Privyet”, the Russian word for “greetings”. Is this a typo, or do you have an aversion to the letter “Y”? I’ve had it out for the letter “P” since it sponsored a segment on Sesame Street I didn’t care for as a child, so I can kind of relate if you do. The number 4 has also raised my suspicions under similar circumstances. I think it’s great that we have things in common already.

You are correct in that I was wondering why such confident and pretty woman looks for her soul mate into matchmaking agency, although when I wondered, it was grammatically correct. That’s beside the point. The point is that my personality left you “not indifferent” which took me a while to get my head around, kind of like you and the merits of free market economies. Did you learn about my personality through this funny blog of mine? I had no idea you were one of my subscribers, but I suppose that means I should check my Feedburner account more often. My bad.

Seriously though, why am I enigma to you? Is it because I am mysterious just like the reasons why people still use hotmail? Did you know that “image” is an anagram of “enigma”? Yeah, I didn’t get a 470 on the SAT English for no reason, S.B. I could go on and on, but it’s tax time and I’d rather itemize my deductions than enigmatize your seductions, so I’m gonna put it all back on ya and just say do svidaniya.