The great thing about being me, in addition to my ability to make my face a square, is the fact that I count some very funny and insightful individuals as close friends. Some of them have children, and are inspired to commentary by the behavior of their fellow American child-bearing peers, as you will find in the article submitted to me below. Even if you are child-less, I’m sure you can recall seeing someone that fits the following profile…

For The “Typical” American Mom (From a “non-typical” one):

This is to the mom’s that think their kid’s are so great, that we should too. You dress your kid’s like mini adults and at the park they can’t take off their shoes and play in the sand. You enroll them in 6 different classes at the age of 3, and then brag about their “skills” to your other friends-or so you thought. You talk really loud at Gymboree and only acknowledge your kid, because he/she’s the best.

You drive a leased Mercedes SUV, have acrylics, and never leave the house without makeup, yet you are grossly overweight. You never volunteer to help at the kid’s school, but always manage to complain about the lack of effort the parents put into the food for the end-of-the-year party, which you should be eating less of anyway. You also comment on how the class was barely decorated and someone needs to do a better job next year. I have the same criticism of your personal shopper. Speaking of schools, your child will attend a private school, because he/she might have class with ethnic kids at a public school. What a horrible thought.

You have an $800 stroller, $400 diaper bag, and yet you have never donated to or even heard of a local non-profit. You think that global warming isn’t real, and refuse to reduce your lavish and wasteful lifestyle. Your husband is never home because he needs a drink every day after work. Actually, he needs two- one for every $10,000 you owe on your credit cards. The bottom line is that your kid is not better than mine, and neither are you. I won’t say we are equal though…