Ok, people, I had a very interesting discussion last week with some good friends about names and the stupid things people do in terms of naming their babies. I’m all for originality, truly, and I am by no means stating that my name is special, but it’s really something some people need to be smacked in the head for.

Now, we all know that the name phenomena breaks down along ethnic/cultural lines, and has been discussed in many ways with lots and lots of opinions on what is cool and what is not. Being that I am a white male living in a society still grappling with its racial history and frequently discarding humor in favor of political correctness, I am only allowed to chastise the silly things white people do with naming their kids if I’m going to pick on any group.

So, to start here’s two things I’ve noticed about the way some white people name their kids these days:

1. They have taken to giving last names as first names.
2. They occasionally name their children after professions.

For instance: The star of Fox’s show Prison Break, Wentworth Miller. You can be damn sure that anyone skinny, cute, and named “Wentworth” would be trying like hell to break out of prison. Now, I like the fact that his parents gave him a unique first name because of the last name Miller being somewhat common, but if the name “Wentworth Miller” doesn’t scream “I wear Ralph Lauren and actually know the rules of croquet” then I don’t know what does. Obligatory pun: when his career goes south, I wonder if they will write “He used to be valuable but then he Wentworth-less”. Probably I’ll be the only one who would write or laugh at that.

Personally, I like the idea of family surnames as middle names, and I’m not saying they are bad as first names necessarily, I’m just saying that if you name your kid “Wentworth” you must be out of touch with how pompous that sounds or be asking yourself “how can I be really mean to my kid”?

Many of us are increasingly familiar with the white yuppie staple of the name “Tanner”. This, as a good friend once pointed out to me, (thanks, wordnerdgal) is a profession, not a name. I’m waiting for the names “Trader”, “Broker”, and “Controller” to start making appearances. You know someone, likely residing in San Francisco’s Marina District, Westlake Village, Ca., or somewhere accessible to the Hamptons is plotting it as we speak. Again, “Tanner” is not the worst name in the world, but I love it when the attempt to differentiate a name lands you in a category of differentiation via ridiculousness. It’s kind of like how every college has the ugly sorority. You want to say to them “Sure, you’re in a sorority, but it’s the ugly one”. Same is true with such profession-based names, sure they’re different, but not like strawberry cheesecake ice cream where people universally agreed that it was different and a good idea. There are other examples of this phenomena, but you get the drift.

This is relatively minor though compared to what else is out there. I was informed of a recent article about people who have named their children “ESPN” that ran on msnbc.com (click here). Jesus take me now. There are four different children cited that have the first name ESPN in the article, and it will surprise no one that two live in Texas, one is in Missouri and one is in Michigan. See what living in states that enable things like the “Big Country Breakfast Burrito” will do to you?

This gives rise to a larger debate on who should be allowed to procreate, and all I know is that I would love to see that privilege removed from anyone naming their child after a cable network. Why stop there though? Why not name your children after all of your favorite things, which in hillbilly country might translate to such dignified designations as “Ninety Two point three FM Murphy”, “Diet Mountain Dew Porter”, “Skoal Griffin”, “ZZ Top Wilson”, “Grits Beasely”, “Chevy Silverado Westergren”, “Stetson Thompson” or “AR-15 Kimmel”.

I could go on and on with this topic, but my point is that people should indeed find suitable names for their children but ultimately the joke is going to be on you and your poor child if you come up with something stupid. Unique vs. unfortunate is a fine line when it comes to names, and it never hurts to get some objective feedback from people inside and outside of your reference group. That’s why when I ask you what you think about me naming my first born son “Genghis” I’ll appreciate your candid, objective input that it is indeed an awesome idea.