Bonded Out

Yesterday, it was announced that Barry Bonds will not be returning to the San Francisco Giants next season, and a simultaneous surplus in the Bay Area steroid supply has driven performance enhancers to their lowest levels in years. The illegal steroids know as “The Cream” and “The Clear” both plunged to $600.00 a barrel on the news. However, the excess supply was expected to be somewhat diminished by aggressive buying from the ever-present San Francisco constituency looking to significantly alter the hormonal balance they were born with. On the bright side, anyone looking to add 15 pounds of muscle to their forearms in the next three months will now have an affordable option to do so.

Myanmarching

Thousands of Buddhist monks took to the streets of Myanmar (formerly Burma) capital Yangon (formerly Rangoon) to protest a recent spike in fuel prices and the military junta that strictly rules the country. The monks braved Typhoon rains to protest, but disappointed Kung Fu movie fans everywhere by failing to breakout with crazy weapons and beat some serious ass while being surrounded by twenty adversaries at a time. As a result, the protests have remained more or less peaceful with the monks keeping the military in check by threatening to refuse alms from people in the military or their families which would in effect ex-communicate them. Amazing what a little spiritual manipulation will do to even the playing field.

Visit From a Friend

Finally, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be visiting New York City this week and aside from trying to score great seats for “Cats” (shhhhh, no one tell him it ended in 2000), he’ll be delivering a speech to the U.N. general assembly and participating in a forum at Columbia University. My sources at the scene say he might also try to hit “Scores”.

His request to lay a wreath at Ground Zero was denied by US authorities who denied a similar request from Osama Bin Laden to visit Mt. Rushmore and Disneyland. Iranian state media is reporting that Ahmadinejad looks forward to providing the American people with “correct and clear information”. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but if it’s correct and clear information about how to make Sauteed Polenta with Sweet Italian Sausage and Broccoli Rabe, then I welcome him with open arms. For their part, Columbia University has promised to ask Ahmadinejad some tough questions about his controversial views on Israel and the Holocaust in their forum, but everyone knows you can’t take a school that has an archery team that seriously. So, it is unlikely that anything insightful will come out of it unless he divulges what products he uses to keep his beard so full and healthy. My guess it’s something by Kiehl’s, because behind all the nuclear technology and tough talk, I bet there’s a metrosexual Mahmoud yearning to break free.