I have taken to writing back to the various Nigerian email scam emails I get from time to time, and some of you have seen the responses I have sent. Those responses may or may not be a little less politically correct than I am willing to go on the record with so I have created another email any of you are welcome to use to respond to the various spam mails you receive asking you for your assistance to help the widow of a former oil tycoon receive her money. Let me know if you have any suggestions on how to make this better by posting them in the comments section, and perhaps I’ll write some other templates in the future.

Dear (insert name of Nigerian scam artist),

I am sorry to hear about your loss, but I would like to address the appalling rate at which the former heads of oil companies are dying off. It seems that 3, possibly 4 times a day, I receive news of another of these esteemed individuals passing away. Were they perhaps eating the oil, or using it as a syrup substitute on their pancakes? What kind of syrup do you like anyway, Kirkland? I like pretty much anything Costco makes cause stuff always tastes better when you buy it in 50 lb. increments. Instead of money, can you perhaps deposit an equivalent amount of syrup into my account instead? If you go to Western Union, you can fill out an electronic syrup transfer form and do it that way. Just ask the guy at the counter for one, he’ll know what you’re talking about. I would very much like that.

Also, are you on LinkedIn or Facebook? If so, please add me as a contact/friend so that we can review eachother’s resumes and possibly compare music and movie preferences. That way I can introduce you to my friends in case you have other accounts you can’t access like your BevMo club card. If one of my friends helps you re-activate your BevMo card will you share a six-pack of something nice with them (not that Libyan shit they had on special the other week)? I hope so (insert name), I really, really hope so.

It amazes me that your husband’s peers all seem to have had the intelligence to climb to the highest levels of their industry, and yet not one of them seems to have had the financial foresight to put their money in an account that their family could access. Perhaps you spent too much money on Little Debbie snack cakes, and could not be trusted to have access to it, or perhaps you couldn’t remember the 4-digit pin number because you lost the parchment you wrote it on in chicken blood.

Regardless, I feel honored that you have chosen me as a trustworthy partner. Personally, I would have picked someone more trustworthy like Aaron Neville for this because then you could get your money and meet an influential singer/songwriter at the same time. It’s killing two birds with one stone, and I’m sure you know a thing or two about how many stones it generally takes to bring down a bird of any meaningful size. It’s usually more than one, unless you find a nest of them at the bottom of a cliff and you roll a big stone off the top of the cliff and manage to get them all with it, which doesn’t happen that often, but brings a lot of joy to my heart when it does.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums it all up. Before we progress with our financial/sucrose heavy transaction, I would like to meet you in person and perhaps buy you a grande iced soy sugar free vegan peppermint mocha with room for milk and discuss this. I have included a link to my location on google maps here. My house is where the green arrow is pointing and there’s a Starbucks across the street. If you get to the Applebee’s you’ve gone too far.

Thank you,