A lot of us enjoy the idea of traveling to places we don’t want to drive to, and airlines provide a safe, affordable way to do so. My airline experiences have generally been pleasant, but I think we’d all agree that sometimes the journey is not enjoyable because of circumstances beyond our control. Therefore, I’d like to present to you my concept for NOPE Airways.

NOPE stands for No Obese or Pets Eligible. Hear me out. First of all, God, in conjunction with the people at Boeing and Airbus made airline seats a certain size for a reason. That reason was so that most people could fit into them width-wise. As we all know, they’re still on the small side, and we’ve all experienced the discomfort of having this already confined space encroached on by a large individual much like the gravy from the Pork Chop section on their Hungry Man frozen dinners spills over and encroaches on the little section where the baby carrots are. It’s called an “arm-rest”, not a “fat rest” for a reason, yet the poor thing is used as the latter rather than the former at an increasing rate. The only rolls allowed on NOPE Airways will be whole-wheat and nutritious. That’s how we roll (side note, someone please start an acting school called “That’s how we Role”).

Think about the benefits of such an endeavor. The decrease in weight would make the airlines more fuel efficient thereby reducing their emissions and making NOPE less vulnerable to the rising costs of fuel in a fragile industry. Al Gore wants to invest already. With less weight in the cabin, the airlines could carry more cargo, monetizing their space more effectively. NOPE Airlines also won’t have to worry about providing it’s passengers with unhealthy sodas as the complimentary beverage because that’s not what their demographic consumes anyway, thereby incurring more savings. They’ll just have water, and they’ll be just fine. When you order your ticket online, you enter height and weight and if the numbers don’t look right, you get redirected to Amtrak. Check out this article written about this exact topic back in 2004 about obesity’s effects on airline prices.  Good word about the experience on NOPE Airways will eventually spread, decreasing obesity nationwide as more people wish to fly it which will result in less taxing of our over-burdened health care system leading to lower premiums and insurance costs for everyone. Hillary won’t even have to bother with national health care, this will solve it all.

Second, Pets. Snakes on a plane? It’ll never happen on NOPE Airways, you’ll have to fly American. I speculate on what hell might be like frequently since I may have already reserved my seat there through both my sense of humor and some of the things I’ve posited in entries like this, and now I’m thinking that for me it might consist of a never ending flight full of obese people who have brought their dogs and cats on-board with nothing but Dave Matthews Band available as the in-flight entertainment. See, normal people just have someone look after their pets when they’re gone, or if they’re really white, they leave them at one of those pet hotels. Just because you work at some progressive company where they let you bring your dog to work so it can crap by the fax machine doesn’t mean that the rest of society wants to be near your allergy-inducing substitute for the love you don’t get elsewhere. It’s actually just common courtesy, and it’s strictly enforced on NOPE Airlines.

Trust me, if there’s two things I know God loves, it’s diversity & Texas cause people from Texas are always pointing out how much God loves their state. God seems to have a thing for places with lots of desert. Anyway, I understand that people come in all shapes, sizes, and tonnage, and that many of them forge strong connections with animals. I wouldn’t have it any other way, until it starts to have an impact on me in which I want it only my way. I have the feeling I’m not alone. However, I’m pretty sure that pet ownership is on the rise with obesity, so my little endeavor may not be the most profitable one at this point. So, in the spirit of America, political correctness, and equal opportunity, I would also like to suggest a means for those excluded from NOPE to travel the skies. FLAB: Fairly Large & Animal Benevolent Airways.

It’s all in good fun, folks, remember that’s it’s just a silly blog….