So, here we are for another year doing something for Thanksgiving cause we always need to do something on this day if you’re an American. Canadians have a Thanksgiving too, but that doesn’t count, just like their economy. Anyway, for me, Thanksgiving unfortunately involves watching the Hallmark Channel a little bit because that’s what happens to be on the TV in my parents’ house at the moment. I must say that life, humanity, and all prospects for the future of mankind would likely be a lot better without the presence of the Hallmark Channel.

Remember how you hated going to Hallmark as a kid with your mom when she was looking for a card for someone or perhaps a Christmas ornament? And maybe they didn’t have what you were looking for so you’d have to go to another one, and you would try to make it interesting by looking to see if they had any of those adult cards with naked women on them, but they never did which always added to your disappointment? Well, that same disappointment is something you can revisit if you decide to turn the Hallmark Channel on.

I won’t tell you I’ve watched a lot of Hallmark Channel because fortunately my life has been better than that. But, I will say that every time god has said “I’m gonna F#$k with David today” and put me in a situation where it is on and I can’t change the channel, it’s the same goddamn program. The characters and actors may change, but it’s the same thing. Sally Field is either in it, or it was a role they wrote for her being played by someone else. It’s always a “heartwarming story about two sisters who reconnect after the death of their father” or something involving “coming of age”. It always has a happy ending. To tell you the truth, I think Lifetime and the Hallmark Channel have people fooled and just rotate the same two made-for-TV movies just like Nick Nolte and Gary Busey have us fooled into thinking they are different people.

On this day where we give thanks, I would like to point out that I am not thankful for the existence of the Hallmark Channel. If you happen to say a prayer before your feast, see if God can have it off the air before I come home again for Christmas. I would like it if someone started a channel with shows where the sisters that go home after the death of their father end up fighting over his estate and hating each other for the rest of their lives, possibly sleeping with each other’s husbands in the process and maybe trying to kill each other too. Or where the coming of age story involves someone getting knocked up way before they wanted to and then renting a lower middle class home with their child’s father indefinitely while working a menial secretarial job and wondering what they might have otherwise been. Gary Busey could play Nick Nolte as the dad. Maybe it could be Sally Field that gets knocked up by him, but that’s not up to me, it’s up to the writers and since they’re on strike, I think it unfortunately may not happen.

Happy Thanksgiving.