As many of you know, I do take requests and your ideas for posts are always appreciated even if I sometimes read them and think to myself “Boy was that a retarded idea.” However, generally your requests for songs to be dissected are good ones so when one subscriber mentioned the song “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” by the band Cake, I was happy to break it down.  You may be familiar with Cake’s style from their mid-90’s hit song “The Distance” and in “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” they find a creative way to tell us just exactly what men want. In fact, there’s so much insight and wit in the first stanza of “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” it will make you appreciate a well written song and rise up against crap like that Dave Matthews song  about “a monkey on a train” which he was inspired to write while watching his fans show up for a concert at Madison Square Garden.

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what’s best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes

The song begins with the artist listing some of the many things he finds desirable in a woman. Indicating that intelligence is important, the assertion is made that the artist wants a girl with a mind that is sharp like a diamond, not “like a diamond” in the sense that he wants a girl with a mind like Dustin Diamond which would be the opposite of that and an indication that they do not have the ability to effectively judge the intellect of other people.

He wants a girl who knows what’s best and also indicates wanting said female to possess shoes that cut. This may illustrate some confusion over the term “stiletto” on the artist’s part as shoes with stiletto heels do not actually have the ability to cause lacerations as a stiletto blade does unless they are perhaps wielded by Naomi Campbell. If the eyes are indeed the windows to the soul, then the artist may also desire a woman who is an Altria shareholder due to their ownership of Phillip Morris, or perhaps one in need of Visine, Opcon A, or another over-the-counter eye drop medication designed to alleviate burning eyes.

I want a girl with the right allocation
Who’s fast, and thorough, and sharp as a tack
Shes playing with her jewelry, shes putting up her hair
Shes touring the facility and picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt,
And a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong jacket

One sign of a truly great song is the ability of the lyrics to transcend the era in which they were written. By desiring a woman with the right allocation (401K vs. other investments), we see the importance of a woman with financial common sense, a timeless trait, so perhaps this ideal female is actually Suze Orman, although she seems to prefer smart business attire over short skirts and long jackets. Then again, she got rich somehow so who knows.

Again the artist repeats their desire for a woman that is mentally adroit, whose mind is sharp, not like a diamond this time, but sharp like a tack. Tacks are those things you use to pin up the pieces of “art” and motivational quotes in your cubicle. By the way, that quote you have: “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give” makes me want to give you the bird every time I pass by your desk.

Moving on, the artist wants a woman that is not only well accessorized but may also be a bit sexually frustrated given that he wants her to be fidgety with her jewelry. While it has been established that this woman needs to be of sound mind financially, here we see hints that the occupation of this ideal female may be an Operations Manager as the artist finds the ability to tour facilities and improve their efficiency a desirable one. Finally, at the end of the verse, we reach the main point of the song which is the universal allure of women who wear short skirts with long jackets. There’s just something about it.

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut her red tape

Here we find more indications of the lifestyle this short skirted, long jacketed woman should adhere to. It seems that she should only need about 4 hours of sleep, well below physician recommended levels as she must get up early and also stay up late. As if enough hasn’t been asked already, the artist requests this female to have uninterrupted prosperity which might be a good field for the people at eHarmony or Match.com to let users run search queries on as many individuals would find such a characteristic desirable.

This stanza is also important as we are given a distinct hint as to the political affiliation this woman needs to have. A low tolerance for bureaucracy and the willingness to eliminate it with weapons possibly regulated by the federal government precludes her from being a Democrat (who would prefer red tape and try to “hug it out” over any disagreement about it) and indicates she is likely a Republican or Libertarian. This is ironic however in that woman in either of these parties would prefer long skirts and longer jackets, so it is doubtful that she fully conforms to the label of any American political party.

With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass
She is fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack
Shes touring the facility and picking up slack
I want a girl with a short skirt,
And a long, long jacket

It takes a certain level of creativity to use finger nails in symbolic reference to the shining light of justice but that’s why Cake is a band that Dave Matthews could never dream of being with all the fiddle solos in the world. Vocal tone surfaces as an issue as this woman needs to have a dark voice which now puts Kim Carnes who sang “Bette Davis Eyes” in the running, although I would have to do some more research on what her 401K allocation is to determine if she is truly the right fit here. The rest is just re-iteration of the desire for previously declared mental capabilities and operations management skills culminating once again in the statement that this  girl should be wearing a short skirt and a loooooooooong jacket.

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
At Citibank we will meet accidentally
Well start to talk when she borrows my pen
She wants a car with a cup holder arm rest
She wants a car that will get her there
Shes changing her name from Kitty to Karen
Shes trading her mg for a white Chrysler LeBaron
I want a girl with a short skirt,
And a
Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong
Jacket

The final stanza begins with more assertions centered around the theme of financial sensibility. I’m not sure what is meant by “smooth liquidation” other than that it means her assets can easily be converted to cash, while once again the stock portfolio is highlighted indicating that the artist will not tolerate poor dividends from this girl’s holdings. The artist also speculates on how he might meet this female, which will perhaps be at a banking institution short of writing instruments that will be the catalyst for their initial conversation and perhaps the exchanging of phone numbers.

We also find out that this female will want a reliable automobile that also features cup holders in the armrests and this vehicle may be a Chrysler LeBaron and with her financial know-how, acquiring anything made by Chrysler will be no problem. Finally, we learn that the female in question is likely neither Suze Orman nor Kim Carnes as this female is in the process of changing her name from “Kitty” to “Karen” which doesn’t really seem like a step in the right direction in terms of names, but the important thing is that she wears a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooong jacket.

So, here’s what we’ve learned about the artist’s ideal woman:

1. She is intelligent
2. She is good with money
3. She is an Operations Manager
4. She contributes heavily to her 401K, and perhaps has a Roth IRAif she qualifies
5. Her portfolio contains dividend stocks, possibly including cigarette manufacturers
6. She loathes bureaucracy
7. Her voice is dark and she can probably pull off a Macy Gray song at karaoke.
8. She wears only short skirts and looooooooooooong jackets.

Sounds about right to me…