It’s been done many times. Boy goes to bar with friends hoping to have a good time. Boy sees girl, also there for good time, and has interest in meeting girl for possibly insightful discussion and perhaps physical contact later, or even conveyance of contact details so that physical contact might occur after no more than 3 dates. If it doesn’t happen by the 3rd date, then she is probably of higher morality which will lead to uncomfortable discussions when you forward her that eVite for the Traci Lords retrospective film festival & nachos party at your buddy Dan’s house next Saturday which will be he perfect occasion for you to wear your “Born for Porn” t-shirt.

But I digest.

So, we’ve all done or said things that we look back on and try to shake out of our heads like Scientologists to Thetans. Get ‘em, Tom! It was with amusement, however, that I recently overheard something in public which made me go “Ah, yes, there are douches walking among us”. There I was, somewhere between a turtle shell mounted on the establishment’s walls and its pool table, which was not nearly as cool a place as between the moon and New York city as it turns out. Within earshot, a young man mustered his courage and briefly left his group of friends by about 5 feet, (equaling the maximum distance he achieved between himself and his mother in the first 22 years of his life) and approached two females with caution. His discourse to them was as follows:

“Is one of your wearing coconut, cause it smells like coconut, and I really hope it’s not this guy (points to friend behind him).”

This line was as well respected by its recipients as intellectual property rights are by the Chinese, because my friends, it was a clear sign of douchery.

Let’s be clear here, at least the guy tried. There’s really no magic bullet when it comes to such male/female social engagement. I thought I might have had it when I began employing the ice-breaker “Hi, my name is David and I enjoy blogging, snogging, and demagoguing”, but I too was mistaken. Sometimes, regardless of what your parents have told you, it is better not to try if your efforts are going to be comical though. I learned this the hard way when I auditioned to be Oprah’s stunt double in the movie The Color Purple.

See, the problem is, people lie. I’m sure he read an article in GQ or Maxim about the best pickup lines and dutifully memorized them, clearing space in his memory by letting go of all those lines from Wedding Crashers he had been remembering on purpose. He was assured that this was the type of witty comment women indicate they are amiable to (but actually laugh to themselves about), however he had been bamboozled. No insightful discussions ensued, no physical contact was delivered, no contact details were exchanged. In return for his efforts, he instead received a few uncomfortable words and then experienced a non-triumphant return to the group from which he was perhaps the bravest, but at least at that moment, also the largest douche. The females, once clear in conveying their lack of desire for this individual’s company, resumed their discussion of whether or not the song “Horse With No Name” was a metaphor of man’s search for meaning in an existence he doesn’t always comprehend, or perhaps if it was a veiled protest of the U.S.’s wayward foreign policy in the early 70′s, with irony accentuated by the song coming from a British band named “America”.

Maybe it was the females who were the douches (someone please come up with a word that can be the female equivalent of “douche”), ruining the hopes of a young man who had donned his nicest The North Face pull-over that night because 70% of the people’s apparel choice can’t be wrong. Would it have been so hard for them to play along? Maybe they could have spun it back on him and replied with “Clearly you’ve never been near a woman who wears anything by Victoria’s Secret cause this is “Dream Angels” and the only fruits I smell are indeed you and your friends.” Either way, whether it was completely deserved or not, the showing of this sign of douchery left our subject defeated and searching for another girl who might look as though she smelled of coconut.