Signs of Douchery
Categories: Featured, General
Written By: David
The Vodka Red Bull. A delicious mixture of stimulant and sedative, two things which we can all agree go together nicely when you want to do stupid things for as much of the night as possible. The drink tastes like candy and goes down like Barbara Walters once did for US Senators (and may still depending on what mood Diane Feinstein is in). However, as delicious and intoxicating as this lovely cocktail is, its price is far more than the $7.00 plus tip you leave on the bar. It also comes at the cost of being a douchebag.
Now, let me take the opportunity to out myself on this and speak from experience. I have ordered these before because they taste good. I like them. It’s as if God himself had crushed up some Starburst, mixed it with 7-Up and gently sprinkled the mixture down my throat. But, never, ever have I ordered one without thinking to myself “this makes me a douchebag.” This is because somehow, the Vodka Red Bull is the John Cusack of cocktails. You know it, the bartender knows it, and the guy with his hat backwards wearing the Big Lebowski-themed t-shirt from Urban Outfitters drinking Bud Light who is only slightly less of a douche knows it. There’s just sort of a universal understanding on this that is hard to put your finger on, but rings true throughout the land.
Keep in mind that this only applies to the straight males out there for some reason. You’re not allowed to order a glass of white wine for yourself at a bar either, but for everyone else, it’s ok. Whiskey? Man’s drink. Beer? Perfectly acceptable. White Russian? Pushing it. The point is that whether it’s fair or not, society may judge you based on the drink you have in your hand, and that judgment is likely to be unkind when it it is a Vodka Red Bull . I don’t know when it happened or who decided it, but it’s something you need to accept and keep in mind because it is reality and for some reason, it just makes sense. My brief but completely valid and scientific survey of female readers also verifies that a straight man will find the wings given to him will be flying away from any female’s pants when he is with a Vodka Red Bull in tow. Perhaps you can help me explain this phenomenon in the comments section below, and it may be short-sighted, but as I see it, ordering a Vodka Red Bull is a definite sign of douchery.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:55 am
thank you, david.
May 13th, 2008 at 11:26 am
do zimas make you a douchebag as well?
May 13th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
This is why I always order the undouchiest drink of all … Mike’s Hard Lemonade … always a true sign of masculinity and huge penis.
May 13th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Maybe you can ask Barbara about her “down” days and her thoughts on what makes a douchebag a douchebag this Thursday at 8:00 pm (Nob Hill Masonic Auditorium). She will be sharing memoirs (part of her Audition book tour)…..then blog about it. I am sure she has had many douchebag run ins in her herstory. Do it!
May 13th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Back in my After Hours and Rave days, a red bull & vodka (or RBV) was acceptable because it allowed you to dance until the sun came up without having to ingest X. But it was only okay in those techno/trance clubs with guys who were questionable in their sexuality because they moved a little too fluidly on the dance floor… Other than that, yeah, douchebags.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Insightful for sure…I think I remember you drinking Zimas Dave
May 16th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I too am guilty of being the occasional douchebag…but “only” towards the end of a late night. My preferred drink is “Dewers on the rocks”…an excellent choice for a manly drink – blended scotch whiskey. However, because this drink is made famous by the douchebag, “Mike” in the movie, “Swingers”…does make me an automatic douchebag!?!?! David, please shed some light on this “Dewers on the rocks” paradox!!!
May 19th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
hey – how come you left out the night you were the cabana boy and cosmo mix-master for the sex & the city sleepover??
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:34 am
tosca, i DO have the picture. why can’t i attach things here? david, please fix.
June 16th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
The Guido….a species of Douche more common to the East Coast. If you’ve ever watched “Growing up Gotti”, seen the MTV true life episode about steroid use or been to the Jersey Shore then you already know. An accurate depiction….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M&feature=related
March 8th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Depends on the beer. If it a wimpy mass-produced beer, might as well be horse pee. Watered-down horse pee. Leinenkugel’s , that’s beer.
October 4th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Dude, you’re hilarious. I couldn’t have said it better myself. “The John Cusack of cocktails!”