We here in America like to handle situations a certain way, which we can get away with because of our economic & military significance, but also cause we’ve invented a lot of great things like Chinese food, freedom, and condensation. Part of being an American (I’m pretty sure it’s on the citizenship test) is finding someone to blame when shit goes really wrong because chances are no matter what it is, it’s someone else’s fault and not your own. Right now a lot of people are looking for who they can blame the recession on, and I’d love to find someone to blame here too because if I didn’t, I would basically be a Canadian, and that would be un-American, although still pretty close to being American.

There seem to be a lot of people whose names have been tossed in the ring to receive blame for the current little quagmire known as the US/global economy. Republicans still never fail to find a way to blame something on Bill Clinton even though he hasn’t been in office for 8 years. I hope they get over their ex-girlfriends faster than they’ve gotten over Slick Willy, but but we all know his game was tight so it may take a while. Democrats whine and insist it was reckless lack of oversight and excessive Wall Street bonuses which got us here, but for some reason they never bothered to speak up when their portfolios were making 9% year over year. I thought it was cute that they asked the people at AIG to give back their bonuses but that is such a ridiculous proposition that it never should have gotten past the Xanax & Pinot Noir fueled dinner meeting that spawned the idea in the first place. Would you give it back if it was you? I sure as hell wouldn’t, I’d keep it all for myself and record a rap album. Hind sight is 20/20, people, but it doesn’t need to be Mad Dog 20/20.

The Daily Show’s John Stewart seems to think CNBC and Jim Cramer are to blame, having forgotten, apparently, about all of the people who over-leveraged themselves and ended up in mortgages they couldn’t actually afford because they had nothing to do with this. I guess a lot of them watch his show and that would be bad for ratings. Maybe they find his ability to deflect their bad judgment onto a popular face and his cable news network somewhat cathartic. Cathartic can be a big a word just like “adjustable” can be when you sign mortgage papers. You’re right, John, it’s someone else’s fault, so I know you don’t want to hear it, but you really are an American afterall.  Just goes to show you that being an elitist, satirical, fake-news funny man is not enough to keep you from being the Nielsen rating system’s whore.

You may also have heard recently about the Russian academic Igor Panarin who blamed the global slowdown on America (he’d make a great American) and predicted the US will break into 6 countries with Alaska reverting to Russian control by 2010 as a result. They’re either out of Salmon or Totem poles in Mother Russia. Sure, there’s oil in Alaska, but we’ve kept it a secret from them along with Mexican food because they’re still bent that we bought it from them for $0.02 an acre in 1867 and that would get their cute fur hats in a bunch again. Given the way property values are headed though, they might not be far off from buying it back at the same price. Panarin also predicted that California would break off (woo-hoo!) and fall under Chinese influence or outright control (awwww), but I’d like to point out that he must not be that academic because if he’d visited any school in California’s University system he’d realize the process of Chinese influence in California has been under way for some time.

We can always turn to the sages of our day for guidance on who to possibly blame. The great Milli Vanilli instructed us to “Blame it on the Rain“, modern day prophets that they were who clearly saw this all coming 20 years ago when they were lip synching the lyrics “Gotta blame it on somethin’, gotta blame it on somethin’ “. Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, Rob & Fab.

I guess the point is that a lot of people have someone they’d like to blame for this and I thought I’d get there too, but I just can’t figure it out. I would normally turn to my sworn enemies like the Dave Matthews Band, pigeons, people who bring their dogs to work, and anyone who participates in re-enactments of historic battles, but they’re probably all broke now (except for Dave Mathews who has been running a ponzi scheme of his own on stoned college kids for years) so I’ll leave them alone. All I know is that  it’s not my fault. You know what is my fault though? Great davidgorcey.com t-shirts that you can now buy at my cafepress store. Stimulate the economy of yours truly by getting one.