This isn’t the first scam email response I’ve done, and I’m also not the only one doing it, but responding to the scam emails I get is a favorite pastime of mine. Recently, a nice individual named Iruka Ogwugwu emailed me, and I encourage all of you to email him or her to discuss “exploiting the available investment opportunities” in your own country.

—–Original Message—–
From: Ogwugwu [mailto:irukaogwugwu@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 8:04 PM
Subject: Your connection

Hello,

I am a chief consultant, I have some interested partners who want to invest in your countrys economy. As a matter of trust you are expected to guide us to exploit the available investment opportunities, we need your business knowledge and connections to invest in your country, can you handle it?

I wait your response to provide you with more information.

Mr Iruka Ogwugwu
reply to iruogwugwu@gmail.com

Hello Iruka,

Thank you for your email. Yes, I am very interested in helping you invest in my country. Just so you know, I actually live in the country of Gorceylon. In case you haven’t heard of it, it is a small island nation off the coast of Madrid and a former Burmese colony populated by Dutch explorers who took it over from Indians that displaced the indigenous Eskimo/Macedonian population. There were also a few Jews and one Jehova’s Witness, but he didn’t like how hard it was going door to door handing out flyers in the unrelenting Gorceylon heat so he moved to Baltimore which is remarkably affordable.

Anyhow, thank you very much for trusting me, it is nice that someone has finally realized my outstanding achievements in the field of trust. Hey, I have a question- who would you trust more, the guy from Seinfeld who played Elaine’s boyfriend or Captain Crunch? I think Captain Crunch cause you don’t get promoted to Captain without doing some pretty cool and trustworthy things, even if you are fictitious and animated.

But, back to Gorceylon. How do you propose we exploit the available investment opportunities? My cousin Steve works at Foot Locker here and I bet he could jack like $30-$40 a week from the registers without anyone knowing. This is a great investment because it doesn’t require any start-up capital. Steve says he’ll do it for $37.50 per week, so I think we’re ready to make this plan actionable. I am already thinking about what I will spend the money on, and I’ll give you a hint, it starts with a “P” and ends in a “rostitutes”. Prostitution is legal in Gorceylon and I know this because I am both the President and the Secretary of the Exterior, which is a position I made up because I am President. The nation’s legislative branch tried to block my creation of the position of Secretary of the Exterior and the 7-weeks of mandatory mourning I instituted when the guy from “Crowded House” hung himself back in 2005, but I tricked them into agreeing by  promising the Secretary of the Exterior would appear to them in their dreams and reveal the winning numbers for the country’s lottery, but I never did it cause I didn’t want to.

Anyway, other investment opportunities include electric-powered big wheels which we have been investing in heavily as part of our commitment to sustainable resources and the undeniable demand for such a product in the free market. Anyone can make a Prius or a Tesla Roadster, I mean my cat basically craps out things that are more technologically advanced but that’s probably cause I feed him nothing but Amazon Kindles. Seriously though, if the release of the Segway proves anything it’s that there will always be a market for things people aren’t going to buy. Further, electric bigwheels are great because:

1. You can pedal them
2. Way less gay than having a Harley
3. Environmentally friendly except for all the ones we make that are powered by sulfur oxide.

Hey, we should plan a trip together sometime too. I am thinking either Orlando or Branson, but get back to me with your thoughts on that. Well, that’s pretty much it for now. Have a great summer and K.I.T.

Best regards,

David