It seems that our society never tires of having a formerly adored celebrity to watch crash, burn and self-destruct. This week we all heard about Britney Spears and her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards which has basically turned her into one of the most hated individuals in America somewhere between Osama Bin Laden and Hitler. We love, love, love it when this happens to people for some reason, and as a fan of the Celebreality genre created by VH1, I would like to pitch a reality show called “Spear Me” that features her and another of our former idols that has since fallen from grace:

Britney Spears and O.J. live in a house in Mailbu for ten weeks with the goal of eventually getting married. They will have one car, a ’92 Geo Prism, which they will share. Of course, Britney’s two kids are not allowed anywhere near the premises because of the obvious danger posed to them, and because of the chance that O.J. might kill and then eat them one day before hitting the golf course with Al Cowlings and Michael Vick. In each episode, a different celebrity will stop by to share their insight on relationships and attempt to help them in their trek to make a relationship work. Potential guests will be Tom Cruise (they will get extra money if they don’t convert to Scientology), Sebastian Bach, Snoop Dogg, Eric Estrada, the girl who played the daughter on “Mr. Belvedere”, and Tina Yothers (look it up).

Each episode will also involve a competition between O.J. and K-Fed, and O.J. must win more than 50% of the competitions in order to earn the right to ask for Britney’s hand in marriage. Such competitions will include a baking contest, a sculpt-off in which they each must re-construct their favorite “Golden Girls” moment out of clay, a music competition where they cover “More than Words” by Extreme, a game of lawn darts, and a best of three games Connect 4 tournament.

Britney will also be required to attend parenting classes and domesticity training with Dr. Phil, who will live in an adjoining guest house and be connected to her 24 hours a day via a webcam attached to a hat he wears which streams his image and any thought he has directly to her cell phone. Whenever Dr. Phil wants to say something, her phone will deliver an lectric shock to her rather than vibrate. She will, however, be permitted to carry a samurai sword and be given significant Iaido training, you know, just in case. This will provide different content for the show each week as she juggles the steps to turn her life around with learning the art of Japanese swordsmanship. In turn, each week, she will square off against a fellow Hollywood figure in a different challenge. These will include a three round MMA fight against Dustin Diamond, a test between her and Paris Hilton to see who can point to Ireland fastest on a map, a game of Jenga against Mohammed Ali, and a rap-writing competition against Shaq. If she wins more than 50% of her competitions and receives Dr. Phil’s blessing, she will qualify as worthy of a wife for O.J. and be presented with her own Samurai sword which will have “In order to make juice, you must first slice the fruit” engraved in it in Japanese.

If they earn the right to marry one another after all of this, decide to do so, and agree to have Danny Bonaduce be the presiding minister, they will each get $100,000.00, although O.J.’s half will automatically go towards the settlement he still owes the Goldmans. If they do not complete the challenges, if they decide not to wed, or if they ever divorce, Britney agrees to a life of comfortable exile in Andorra and O.J. agrees to kill himself in the ancient samurai tradition of self disembowelment known as seppuku which will be aired on Spike TV, or live in Canada. Who’s with me?