As the category name directly indicates, I will be reviewing movies in this section which I have not seen. Therefore, the chances are slim that there will ever be a positive review in this section, but hey, we’ll see how it goes.

Let’s move on to my first entry in this category then, The Ruins (watch the trailer for The Ruins here), which finished 5th at the box office in its opening weekend and grossed a little over $8 million. That basically writes the review for me, but I will proceed nonetheless. The movie stars 5 people you’ve never heard of, and probably won’t hear of again unless you’re a CHP officer in Malibu in which case you’ll be writing 4 of the 5 DUI’s sometime within the next couple years.
Here’s a brief synopsis of the film: Four Americans vacationing in Mexico meet a German tourist that convinces them to join his search for his younger brother who was last seen near some ruins with his girlfriend. They get to the ruins and find a carnivorous vine growing in there which probably causes some problems, but also probably doesn’t prevent the better looking cast members from being naked and getting it on. Ben Stiller is one of the movie’s producers which means someone might get kicked in the balls at some point and it will be really funny.

There’s a lot of different ways I can go with this, but here are my observations:

• What is the name of this carnivorous Mexican vine, and is that the thing they wrap tamales in? If so, I’m gonna be more careful, but so help me god, I’ll still eat them every Christmas.
• Although the movie is set near Cancun, four Americans in their early twenties would most likely be in Rosarito signing waivers for “Girls Gone Wild” videos and throwing up Tecate on their Volcom board shorts rather than being concerned with anything of cultural significance. Said Americans would never ever have any clue that there are ruins in Mexico, and if they did, they would be disappointed to learn that they are different than the ones on the outside of the Rainforest Cafe.
• It’s a little cliche to have the evil ensue after following a German somewhere. If problems came about after meeting up with a Canadian, or a Swede, now that would be something. However, doing battle with a Carnivorous vine in the middle of the Mexican jungle is kind of what you’re asking for if you’re gonna roll with Dieter. Also, I’d be interested to see how they meet this German tourist, cause I’d be willing to bet it was while searching for a nice chair by the pool, only to find out the Germans had all woken up early and taken them all.

I have no idea how it ends, but in the spirit of big budget American films, my guess is that the brother will be found shaken, but alive, and the Americans will eventually kill the carnivorous vine, feeding much of Al-Qaeda to it in the process and then turn the ruin into a high end Spa/rejuvenation center operated by the W Hotel chain.