Ok, this one has been a long time coming. By now you have all seen the TV commercials for the Snuggie™, and I can no longer remain silent about this product. Although this is filed under Reviews of Products I’ve Never Used, it’s not entirely true because the Snuggie is actually just a  blanket (I know, it has sleeves) and I have used blankets on a daily basis my entire life, ones without sleeves, and I have never found the experience to be a frustrating or unpleasant one.

The official Snuggie website (I can’t believe I actually typed those four words) states the following: “Blankets are ok but they slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.” That rhymes just like Snuggie almost does with “Fugly”. Why how very correct you are, poet-laureate worthy Snuggie marketing personnel and copy-writing team. Every time I use a blanket I think to myself “Holy shit-steaks, I can’t get my hands out, they’re trapped!” Wait, no I don’t and further, I bet that never, ever, in the tens-of-thousands of years blankets have been around has anyone ever thought of their hands as being trapped inside one. I reject completely the assertion that blankets in any way represent the immobilizing, restriction or undesired confinement of my hands. Moreover, you have to try very, very hard for the experience of using a blanket to become one that is so frustrating you end up seeking an entirely new product to resolve the issue. The most important thing is that I can use a blanket and still respect myself.

I can’t be the only one wondering who thought to themselves that they would malign blankets as a means of pursuing the American dream? I would also like to ask what a Snuggie accomplishes that a large robe cannot? This is the real coup- not that someone has convinced people on a large scale that blankets are under-performing, but that the inventor of the Snuggie managed to trademark a robe.

Just as with Yorkshire Terriers and Smart Cars, many Snuggie owners have purchased one as a joke.  Or maybe a  Monk uniform which it is actually quite functional as due to the fact that it is backless. Recently, progressive attention seekers even threw a Snuggie pub crawl in San Francisco, resembling escapees from a Smurf Monastery except for the girls who made their Snuggies a little slutty (Slutties™?) which kind of defeats the purpose of something that is supposed to keep you warm but is also kind of awesome.