In 1990, UB40 released the album Labour of Love which contained, amongst others, the song “The Way You Do The Things You Do”. You may know their other hits such as “Red, Red Wine” and “(I Can’t Help) Falling in Love With You” which was featured in the movie Sliver which you probably rented from Warehouse video one weekend with Reality Bites.

“The Way You Do The Things You Do” is light, upbeat, and full of the reggae/ska rhythms that made UB40 a popular fixture on the 80’s and 90’s music scene. It also contains one of the best lyrics ever recorded on paper, and although it is light and easy on the ears, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve the deep analysis and debate afforded to the songs lucky enough to be featured in this section.

You got a smile so bright
you know you could of been a candle
I’m holding you so tight
You know you could of been a handle

The artist starts off by indicating that his subject has a very bright smile, similar to the way a candle shines, but hopefully somewhat less waxy in texture. He is holding his shiny, waxy love object very tightly, similar to the way someone grips a handle, though we are unsure what type of handle this is. Though affection is an important part of the courtship process, holding someone as tightly as one grips handles may actually result in suffocation, loss of circulation and is probably grounds for domestic assault charges depending on how tightly one normally grips handles. If you don’t grip them that tightly, this is probably ok, but I advise discretion.

My analysis of the “handle” comparison is that there were no other appropriate words that rhymed with “candle”, and for some reason, they really wanted to stick with that line. There probably wasn’t anything romantic that they could do with the word “sandal”, and the line “You make me violent like a Vandal” was likely edited by the record label.

The way you swept me off my feet
You know you could’ve been a broom
And babe you smell so sweet
You know you could’ve been some perfume

Perhaps the sandal reference would not have been too far off as the singer compares his subject now to a broom. Given this no fear approach to comparisons while seeking affection, I’d like to suggest that they could have used the line:

“I want to fold you up in my trapper keeper,
Baby, you swept me up just like a street sweeper”

The comparisons of perfume are much more appropriate as women generally respond favorably to being told that they smell nicely, and perhaps the juxtaposition of brooms with perfumes is an intentional element inserted to add depth to this composition. Or again, perhaps they really just wanted to work “perfume” into the mix and “broom” was as close as they could get.”You’re like a better fungus than a mushroom” or “I want to create children in your womb” were aparently passed on as alternatives.

Well you could of been anything that you wanted to,
I can tell, the way you do the things you do,
Alright, the way you do the things you do

At this point, the singer may have realized the strange nature of some of their comparisons and given up momentarily saying that they can compare themselves to anything they want. He then indicates that he can tell the the way his subject does the things they do. This may mean that he can tell the way they write, astutely observing which hand they hold a pen with.

As pretty as you are
you know you could of been a flower
If good looks were minutes
You know you could of been an hour

The comparisons are improving here, albeit in a somewhat odd manner as we come to one of the best song lyrics of all time. The comparison of a woman’s beauty to a flower is about as unique as rolled up pant legs and bike locks doubling as accessories at a hipster convention. Therefore, this line explains itself. However, you will be hard pressed to find a better lyric than the line “If looks were minutes you know you could have been an hour” no matter how far and wide you search the annals of written music. I interpret this line to mean that the subject of the song has at least 60 units of looks. There is no benchmark to compare this with, so we are unsure how this score of 60 compares to the average individual, however based on this, the statement “If looks were minutes, you’d be only 10 seconds” would make a good insult as this implies someone has only 1/6th of a unit of looks, which by most accounts would be a seemingly low amount.

The way you stole my heart
You know you could of been a crook
And baby you’re so smart
You know you could of been a school book

The artist now turns to accusations, however we find fault with their logic here. If this female subject was so smart, would she not have stolen his wallet, or wrist watch instead of his heart? Sure, black market prices in India and Mexico are attractive, however the shelf life of such inventory is limited and high-risk. Unless of course, the school book comparison is a veiled insult, like if what he really means is a 3rd grade level school book when the subject, in fact is a fourth grader.

Well you could of been anything
That you wanted to, I can tell
The way you do the things you do, (all right)
The way you do the things you do

The reiteration of this inside knowledge about the way the subject does the things they do betrays a certain arrogance by the artist, perhaps designed to deflect attention away from the haphazard comparisons outlined above. I liken it to the arrogance of Iago in “Othello” but your analysis may vary.

You make my life so rich
You know you could of been some money
And baby you’re so sweet
You know you could of been some honey

Here the artist has taken a page from the timeless writings of the material girl making no attempt to compare his satisfaction with her to that of financial security. Again, I will suggest the alternate line “If you were a male, I’d call you Magnolio, baby you appreciate, just like my portfolio”.

The “sweet” and “honey” exaltations are of the same creative cloth as the “70’s tennis player” costume seems to be at Halloween parties and costume-related events these days and therefore requires no explanation because everyone is tired of it.

At this point, the song merely repeats previously recited verses which need not be re-examined. Overall, we find “The Way You Do The Things You Do” to be a compilation of unique and overdone metaphors strung together creating a nice little ditty. If quality were raindrops, this post could have been some showers, but “Saved by The Bell” just came on and I want to watch Screech Powers.