VH1 decided to take it upon themselves to instruct and scold men as it pertains to their dating exploits with the series “Undateable: The Top 100 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating Or Having Sex” based on the book by Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle.

I can actually tell you the 1 thing that will also ensure this which is being so confused that you would turn to VH1 for your dating knowledge in the first place. Afterall, this is the network that brought us Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Rock of Love, and Tool Academy so if you think they’re out to give you quality romantic advice then you are in the right IQ range to be a contestant on one of those shows. Go ahead and do it, your Mensa application can wait.

The aim of this show is more in the pursuit of laughs than really trying to give advice anyway because it seems to eschew the big picture ideas that might make more sense for the more hilarious format of listing things that are basically just bad ideas in the first place. From what I’ve seen so far the list includes the kinds of things that complicate the acquisition of friends overall, not just romantic interests. Let’s review some of them:

• Ordering wine at a baseball game
  • I mean, wine at a ballgame? Well no shit. Even most men in San Francisco know better than that, but mostly because it is hard to find the right grape varietal to pair with a vegan soy dog topped with brie and hormone-free caviar.
• Having a Mullet
  • Are we still talking about mullets? How long is the mullet thing really going to be relevant? Is Jeff Foxworthy doing some of the writing for VH1 now? Whomever needs to be told their mullet is not going to help their game likely should be informed in person because they must not have television, internet, or access to recently printed media, so look for them at a Tea Party gathering.
• Cellphone belt clip
  • This one is kind of played out too, but it is basically the modern day equivalent to the pocket protector. In my day, that’s one way the nerds were differentiated on Saved by The Bell, and I don’t watch any of the teen shows now, but my guess is that the nerds on them have Cellphone belt clips to more functionally access the digital memo containing their hit lists. Nerds have gotten a lot meaner since the early 90′s.
• Owning more than one cat
  • Having one cat is pushing it. What you need to ask yourself is “Am I Sarah McLaughlin?” If the answer is “No”, then stop trying to rescue more cats because while it may be nice, it will get you absolutely nowhere with women whether VH1 decides to include that little tidbit of dating reality or not.
• Wearing socks with Sandals
  • Another obvious one because just from a purely objective standpoint, the two should be mutually exclusive. Sandals are specifically designed to be worn barefoot and if you need socks on, then it isn’t exactly sandal weather, making them the wrong choice of footwear. I will say that this does not apply to you if you are wearing the traditional Japanese tabi sock which is specifically designed to go with sandals. Typically these are worn by traditional Japanese dancers and artists, Shinto priests and Buddhist monks as well as waiters and waitresses in traditional Japanese restaurants. The only non-Japanese guy I can think of who can pull this off is Richard Gere. So if you’re Richard Gere, go for it, but if you’re not Japanese or Richard Gere, which is a lot of people, then as the saying goes- you don’t tug on superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Jim, unless he’s wearing socks with sandals, in which case ridicule the hell out of that douche.

You get the picture here. The full list of offenses discussed in this show is exhaustive, but what I’m saying is that these things aren’t specific to dating, they’re just general rules of thumb men should follow in the pursuit of any sort of social acceptance. Many of the items are divergent from a central theme like not being cheap (asking to go dutch on a date, not paying for valet parking and making a date walk instead, etc.). OK, VH1, we get it, men need to spend money on women if they’re going to have a chance. In doing so, women can more effectively acquire necessary resources, convenience, and possibly items that are luxuries like yoga pants. An inability or unwillingness to do so is grounds for eternal bachelorhood and diminishes ones chances of having their DNA carried on. This has been true since man made his home in caves and painted murals by torchlight late into the night after the women had grown tired from bitching about how they could have had more deerskin blankets if only the men had planned the hunt better and not waited til the last minute to pull all their spears together when they knew they were going to do it before the next full moon in the first place.

But the reality, which I am pretty sure VH1 decided to leave out is that you can do everything they say not to and still get a lot of action if you are loaded. You could have an all business up front/party in the rear haircut, own 3 cats that share your bed with you,  a Motorola Razr (there’s still some out there owned by classic phone enthusiasts) clipped to your belt, white socks up to your knees with Birkenstocks on, and a glass of Cabernet Franc in each hand for the Yankees/Mets series which you and your date took the subway to instead of a cab and still do pretty well for yourself with the ladies, provided you are wealthy. Just ask that terrible woman from the show Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo- she’ll back me up, though I have a ways to go before she’ll hook me up.