DavidGorcey.com field correspondent Chris W. (pronounced Chris “Dub” on occasion) will be filing reports from the field of LA-LA land providing us with celebrity insights that keep us informed and in stitches. We all know that if celebrities need anything, it’s more attention and we’re happy to oblige them. Take it away Christopher…

Thanks, it’s great to be here on the show. You know, David, celebrities can really seem glamourous to us sometimes. When Pheobe Cates served me a drink last night, I almost forgot to not tip her. But living in the heart of Pasadena 91106, trying to make it, I’ve got the scoop and you all need to hear. First of all, celebrities are people too. I know this because famous people told me so and I believe whatever they say. Also, I’ve seen the Surreal Life and it looks just real like the Real World did. Someone cries and then someone has sex while someone else gets drunk with whoever was crying earlier. Empirically, we see this ‘drinking element’ the time, what we might call ‘a trope’ element of celebs ‘being real’: you know, things like drinking, shaving their heads and trying to run over their ex-assistant’s family with a Hummer. It’s like they could be anybody. 

In this light, I want to talk about such probs that have plagued Mr. David Hasselhoffer. The Hoff is just a man; I mean, I even forget who he is sometimes. Until very recently I thought he was Perseus in Clash of The Titans. But then I say, NO DUMBASS, that was Mr. Hamlin. Hoff was the Knight Rider. The problem is that last May KITT took the Hoff out dancing to one too many Silverlake bars where it turned out the only crime to solve was who stole Hoff’s shirt and slipped him a Mickey before driving home to Agoura Hills by way of the nearest drive thru Wendy’s.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYj6TceYio0&mode=related&search=

“WOW!” RIGHT? I’m sure that’s what all you are saying…”WOW”. Well it’s all glitz and shitz in the City of Angels my friends. David, I’m bringing my watchful eye down on this clip because all the Youtubians out there have been grousing about this thing for months. So many diatribes of how Hoff is utterly abusive, ridiculous, out of control and sets such a poor example for fathers, German expatriate pop singers and fans of big blond guy hair everywhere. Not me, I don’t go there. I’m going to have to adopt the aforementioned celebrity stance: “He’s just a person, yo”. To get his sizzle he’s gotta have his spice….and a square-shaped grubber of a burger. 
 
Let’s return to the video – what the social sciences call ‘data’ – for a little surface analysis. At 0:34, his daughter asks him if he’s going to do his show tomorrow. Now, before I continue my diegesis, let’s let the audience know exactly what ‘show’ is that she’s talking about the Hoff doing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKh2CI6T_c0

Hoff, deine Electrikischeguitar zum meine Assholen harmen! Did I hear a little girl’s voice ask if he’s gonna do the show tomorrow? Girl you trippin. WHY DO YOU THINK HE’S DRINKING??? His daughter keeps “asking him to stop”, and “why he likes doing this to himself.” Is she talking about the drinking or the show? 

I think we all need to get a little perspective here. Have you ever filmed anyone really drunk and asked them probing questions? And it was your parent, right? Doesn’t this clip seem a little too perfect, all the expository about ‘getting fired’, ‘doctors’, ‘issues’? Seems like alot of bait if you ask me. Maybe we should all stop worrying about the little girl’s feelings, and be a little more concerned about why she’s filming her dad in instead of giving him a warm Sprite and a pillow.

I dunno, maybe you can holla-at if you think I’m trippin. I guess I just think anyone could end up as a Hoff someday, singing foreign pop tunes and eating too many saturated fats. Life’s a sinuous bitch. More importantly though, why are all so concerned about the Hoff, when so many other important people seem to be getting drunk all the time. You know, people like, hmm, oh yeah…the PRESIDENT OF FRANCE, who decided to booze at the G8 two months ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uxb0JHqzlA&mode=related&search=

Sorry that we have to talk about Sarkozy and the French on your site again David, but I wouldn’t have done it unless it was important. I hope from time to time we’ll all try to peel back this LA thing together and see it for what it is.

Join me next month for a ride down Mulholland (not MulNetherlands).