I promise that at some point, the horoscopes will be more optimistic and upbeat, but for now, the stars just don’t lie, people…

Aries
Mar 21-Apr 20

Just because Transformers is popular at the box office doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to start wearing the Underoos again. You’re 31, Optimus Dork.

Taurus
Apr 21-May 20

I know you are excited to plan this year’s Sons of the American Revolution convention, but I think it’s a bad idea to have it in Tehran.

Gemini
May 21-Jun 20

The fact that you casually remember one, maybe two of the lions’ names from Voltron does not mean you would “kick ass” on “The World Series of Pop Culture”, so stop telling everyone you’re putting a team together.

Cancer
Jun 2-Jul 21

Taking your cans and plastic bottles to the recycling center every few months does not count as a “passive income stream” regardless of what you tell people at the wealth building seminar.

Leo
Jul 22-Aug 21

So you love to talk about how “crazy” and “random” your dreams are, huh? I once dreamt I was being operated on by Rasputin and a purple raccoon because my teeth were made of apples that Jesus gave me. What else you got?

Virgo
Aug 22-Sept 21

I applaud your travels and search for meaning, but the fact that you recently visited Thailand and came back with a jade Buddha necklace and some incense does not make you “spiritual”.

Libra
Sep 22-Oct 22

It’s good to look back with no regrets. Honestly, I don’t see how someone with a life like yours could do that though, so go ahead and wallow a bit because you deserve it.

Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21

A wise person told me this week that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. So, you remember when I said I hate you? Well, I take it back now.

Sagitarius
Nov 22-Dec 20

Look, your birthday falls either too close to Thanksgiving or too close to Christmas. Nothing I can say will change the fact that you always get overlooked, so let’s just call em’ like we see em’ here.

Capricorn
Dec 21-Jan 19

You will find yourself continuing to be confused as to whether or not you should keep saying “bless you” when a co-worker sneezes a second or third time. “Is once enough, or do I say it again?”

Aquarius
Jan 20-Feb 18

I know you’re excited about the Harry Potter book, but if you keep talking, you’re going to ruin it for other people. By “it” I mean the bliss they feel knowing that they aren’t caught up in a children’s book like you are.

Pisces
Feb 19-March 20

There is a good aura surrounding your sign this week, which is proof that there is no such thing as karma because you’re kind of an ass.