Have I failed to mention that I am also an astrologer? My bad. Here’s my sound advice for your corresponding sign of the Zodiac this week:

Aries
Mar 21-Apr 20
Just because Donald Trump has his own line of steaks doesn’t mean your line of “Madonna” pork chops is going to be a successful venture. Back to the drawing board.

Taurus
Apr 21-May 20
Ok, you’ve been to Prague, we get it. But, if you try to make one more joke by replacing “Czech” with “Check”, I’m going to slap you.

Gemini
May 21-Jun 20
I’m not saying you have a bad voice. I’m saying I want you to think really hard before you get on stage and sing Iggy Pop’s “Candy” this weekend at that karaoke place like you’re planning to.

Cancer
Jun 2-Jul 21
Look, I’m gonna be honest with you, all this stuff is made up, so get a grip and go do something with your life.

Leo
Jul 22-Aug 21
I know your child needs something to take for show and tell, but I’m telling you now daddy’s ‘nam pictures are a bad idea. Whatever though, he’s your 12th-grader.

Virgo
Aug 22-Sept 21
I know that getting dumped has left you broken hearted. Before you write her that poem though, remember that only British people are allowed to rhyme “pain” and “again”, OK Northridge? I smell some edits…

Libra
Sep 22-Oct 22
The trouble with living on a round planet (or is it?) is that you can only run from your problems for so long until you find yourself close to them again.

Scorpio
Oct 23-Nov 21
I have only one word regarding your investment advice for this week: Marigolds.

Sagitarius
Nov 22-Dec 20
Your lucky numbers this week are 590, 3,786, & 9,903. They are lucky because you will find out that you can’t use them on a lottery ticket, and therefore save the dollar you were going to waste.

Capricorn
Dec 21-Jan 19
You thought it would be wise to disguise your identity as an American by wearing that Canadian flag on your backpack in Europe. Unfortunately, I reported your traiterous behavior to the Department of Homeland Security and they are now preparing treason charges. You can go to Canada, but don’t come back here.

Aquarius
Jan 20-Feb 18
Do as you will, but I don’t recommend using the line “I came up with the idea for ‘Scott Baio is 45 and Single‘ ” with any women you meet this week in the Civil War reenactors chatroom you frequent, or in line at the pharmacy.

Pisces
Feb 19-March 20
Just because you might need this some day, click here, and send me a postcard from where you end up, I won’t tell, I promise…